(Closed) post-wedding cold feet or something more?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

This might not be what you want to hear, and of course it’s just my opinion, but my advice is to try to distance yourself from this friend if at all possible. You’ve committed yourself to your husband, and I think sometimes that means separating yourself from something that might make you happy, even if it’s another relationship. I’m not going to say your feelings aren’t “normal”, because they make sense. Still, no one is perfect-chances are you’d eventually find that one thing about this guys that brings him down to 99%, and so long as you are in a loving relationship, I think you should honor your husband and try to make peace with the fact that this work relationship should be kept more professional.

Post # 4
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m with June Bug. I’m all for being happy, but the truth is, you made a vow. There are several legitimate reasons to break that, but I wouldn’t do it for another guy when you describe the relationship chemistry as being 1% different. Maybe this guy looks good now, but it might be different if you really did divorce your husband for him.

Post # 5
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@suesmith.suesmith:just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t have crushes or raging crushes, or like people in that way. it just means you can’t act on them.

 

here’s another story, from mystical (not standard) judaism:

just when everything starts going right, there are bad angels that try to lure you away from your perfect life with something that seems even more perfect. they are testing you. if you follow their lure your whole life will fall apart. the mythos goes that they usually are most active during an engagement, but you’re just married, so it sort of goes.

 

i mean, it’s just mythology, but still, it has helped me a lot. don’t get lured in by the bad angels! (now i sound like a crazy pants!)

Post # 6
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@ellabee:  Where did you find that story?  Is there more to it?  Very interesting!

Post # 8
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly, I have had similar feelings before.  Our emotions are such a complex and unique system of thoughts, feelings, chemicals, etc.  We are capable of feeling so many different things, that it makes sense that you would share a special connection with more than one person.  I care very deeply for my partner, but there are moments when I am sad for relationships that can’t be had with other people with whom I share a special bond. 

I see it as a choice.  I made the choice to be with this person, and I am going to stand by that.  I acknowledge my feelings and respect my emotions and their complexities, but know that I am going to stand by my choice.

It’s hard to give you advice on this because each experience is unique and I don’t want to generalize.  But simply reflecting on my own experiences, it is important to acknowledge your experience and have respect for the choice you made. 

 I know these feelings can be complicated and difficult to sort through!

Post # 9
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Ellabee I love it – I’ve heard variations on that theme (there are tests we face – internally and externally – that try to keep us from being happy. They hit an all-time high during engagement, but right after getting married fits too. Whenever something great happens, you find fault in it, or something bad happens just to be sure you don’t get TOO happy or comfortable. I don’t know if that makes sense). Anyway I just love that story!

Not to threadjack. So original poster, I echo what someone else said: it’s totally normal to *feel* that way, but the test of marriage is to not act on it. Nobody expects that for the rest of your life you’re never going to have a crush on/be attracted to/have things in common with anyone else EVER. You just have to have the foresight to realize if you were married to your coworker, and met your husband, you’d probably feel the same way. At some point you have to make a choice and stick to it, even after the sheen has worn off a bit from your relationship.

Good luck. 🙂

Post # 11
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m so sorry you’re feeling these things. I know you said you’re not going to act on them, so I won’t harp on about that being my advice. Just talking about these feelings (even here) might help you a lot.

One thing I would consider too is how incredible lasting, commited relationships really are. When I see marriages that are 40,50,60+ years strong, I’m just inspired by that sustaining love. Which doesn’t mean you’ll always feel “in love,” but you make the choice to love through times like this. Just food for thought Smile

Post # 12
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@cabanagrl9:i didn’t find it. a friend told it to me. she’s a scholar (phd) in judeo-christian religion and history. she was telling me a story about a friend who was engaged and met someone else, kind of like @suesmith, and eventually things turned out the way things were supposed to, but she almost let things go too far.

 

Edit: 

@Miss Taco Night:yeah this is true. my grandfather passed away a year and half ago. a couple weeks ago i called my grandmother. she said, if he hadn’t died, it would be our 61st wedding anniversary.

what they had was built over almost 60 years and all the kids (now grown) in the neighborhood went to them for advice. chosing to stay means you really do get this fantastic long term love that is incomparable to anything else out there. i really hope i make it to that point!

Post # 13
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m with the the PPs – you are treading in dangerous waters, and you should back away.

It would be a little different if you were saying that you’re not compatible with your husband, and the other relationship made you realize this, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. In purely objective terms, a 1% spread is NOT statistically relevant (in other words, it doesn’t mean that one is ACTUALLY better than the other; it could just as easily swing in the other direction next week, or next month, or next year).

Could some of the excitement be stemming from the newness and/or the taboo aspects of this other relationship? If so, keep in mind that that would wear off eventually.

I would recommend seeing a counselor/psychologist to talk this through objectively with a professional. Maybe you can do it on your lunch hour to keep it discreet.

Post # 16
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Don’t be ashamed! It happens 🙂

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