- 7 years ago
I can’t believe I am writing this post. The basic fact of writing it and admitting it to the world to see scares the [email protected]$ out of me but, here I am…
I need your help. I’ll try and keep this as short and simple as possible, but I really, really need your help. I can’t talk about this anyone and I feel so alone.
I am recently married to the only person I have ever been in love with. He is the most wonderful, generous man, the only one who’s ever really gotten me in the real me kind of way. I am a very peculiar person and never really thought I would ever find someone to marry or want to commit my life to. But I did, and I was and am very, very lucky.
But of course there is more for me to this story. Here goes (please forgive the babble):
I have a colleague who, over the past few years, has become a very close friend of mine. He is truly one of the most sincere people I have ever met, one of the most accomplished and most intelligent. I admire and respect him to the stars and we make a fabulous team. We have an amazing relationship. My husband knows all of this and is happy that I am happy professionally. The thing is, the more I spend time with this colleague the more I really start to feel…I don’t know. The two of us are very compatible and have very similar tastes in everything – food, life, culture, music, love. We spend most of our time talking about these things. About our favorite recipes and places we want to visit. About ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends and the quarkiness in each of us that no one else ever seemed to fully get. About the life we want for our children and the things we want in a companion. Realizing the extent of our similiarities led to an “oh shit” type moment for both of us, in a light laughing type of way (for the most part). The thing is, I’ve had these conversations with my husband and feel 99% in sync with him; I cherish the things we differ on. With my friend, it appears to be 100% and beyond, more than just compatibility but a way in which I feel inspired, challenged. A push to explore things I only ever dreamed about and not to fall into complacency, which often seems where my husband and I have already fallen into routine to.
Back from a recent trip with him, I can’t help but feel sad for what I don’t know might be there – does that make sense? I don’t know if this is just a rare friendship we’ve discovered. I have no doubt about that. Or, if it is more or could/would be more if circumstances were different. I rarely feel so drawn to people this way and have never, ever had feelings for more than one person at a time – shoot, aside from my husband I never really wanted to commit to anyone for an extended period of time. I have never betrayed my SO and don’t plan to. I am just so haunted by these constant thoughts and feelings for this that I can’t reconcile.
Please help. I am so confused, so lost and emotional. Is this normal?