(Closed) post wedding depression due to REGRET, can anyone relate?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

Things go wrong but it doesnt make the day a total failure. dont sweat the small stuff. 

Wedding industry sells an ideal. It sucks that you got into debt over it but you can’t dwell on it now.

Pay debt off asap because financial worries cause relationship problems and then see how you feel About everything. 

Like a PP said, I wondered if the issues ran deeper   Than just the day. 

Post # 32
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

I didn’t even read all that, but I did read your first two identical threads and seriously, you need to go talk to somebody. This is not normal. It’s like you’re talking about a Broadway production that didn’t go right. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  dracarys.
Post # 33
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

I feel so bad for you. I read your first thread, which wasn’t that long ago. I think you’ve just got to give it time, buddy. Maybe talk to your therapist if you feel like you are obsessing/in an anxiety spiral.

I’d focus on kicking ass at work and working hard to pay down that loan. Can you get an extra, part-time job a few days a month? Start a side hustle? Sell some things on EBay? That would be a positive use for your energy. Or start a new exercise routine–that always helps me when I’m feeling stressed and anxious. You’ll get through this.

Post # 34
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

Yes I relate. I have an empty feeling thinking back to my summer wedding and things that went wrong, even though we had a great time. Even the music part, like you, I heard songs and thought I should have put those on my iPod, and that was starting to upset me so I had to turn it off! I’ve come to accept some things, like not spending enough time with husband at the wedding- but we have a lifetime to be together. I do regret not seeing all my guests, but now I realize that’s normal not to see or spend a lot of time with everyone. I’m very anxious about a lot of new things in my life- A lot happened quickly in the few weeks surrounding the wedding, including a new job, which I am so nervous about. Waking up is hard, because I have this terrible anxious feeling in the mornings!! I cry every day over something, wedding or job related, or growing old, even. So I’ve been talking to my parents about it, my husband, and I’m going to start therapy. I know some feelings of sadness are normal, but I think I need a little extra help to help me through it. Don’t be worried to get help when you need it! I can’t wait to go to therapy and get all these feelings out!!

Post # 35
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

My wedding was not the best day of my life. It almost certainly wasn’t worth the money. Even at the wedding, I found myself thinking “can’t wait to go back to attending weddings as a guest!” several times. I won’t run down the list of what went wrong because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter, but I could come up with a laundry list of all the things that went wrong. 

But I don’t find myself dwelling on it or regretting it in a serious way; I simply felt relief as the few days after the wedding passed and I realized I had the rest of my life ahead of me, and the wedding was no longer the defining part of my life (as it had been while I was planning). 

It sounds to me that the root of your regret is that you’ve let the wedding define you and become a bigger deal than it is. You shouldn’t feel like a failure; you’d never planned a wedding before (like most brides) and didn’t know what to prioritize or how to prevent issues. Most brides could come up with some fairly major hiccups. The wedding is a celebration of the marriage, and that’s where you need to put your focus. I know it’s not as easy as saying “you need to get over it,” but I’m sure you have bigger things in your life to focus on now, and I promise you nobody is thinking about your wedding to the extent you are. Forgive yourself and let it go and look forward to the rest of your life! Despite what the wedding industry would have you believe, weddings for the most part are inherently imperfect affairs. I think many women feel shame if the wedding wasn’t perfect, so they gloss over the bad parts and repeat the “best day ever/ everything was beautiful” rhetoric, perpetuating the problem. 

Post # 36
Member
271 posts
Helper bee

You seem to make very totalizing statements such as “to not even enjoy it” which gives the impression that you have made up your mind that you didn’t enjoy it at all.  Reading your post there are so many things that I believe are evidence that you actually did enjoy lots about your day ie. your dress/hair/make-up, that your Dad came, the amazing ceremony and what stands out the most, the LOVE between you and your hubby.  You also say that the reception is “the one part everyone cares about.”  Do you know that for a fact?  Because I totally disagree, I personally care way more about the ceremony and witnessing the genuine love between the bride and groom as they say their vows to one another.  I actually couldn’t care less how amazing the food/drinks/venue/table decorations/speeches/dancing is at a reception.  The ceremony is the special part, the part that matters, the part that weddings are fundamentally all about, the other stuff, at the end of the day is just fluff.  In your own words “My ceremony was amazing and tearful, I was so present” and, “I married the man I love.”  Focus on this and be gracious to yourself 🙂

Post # 37
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

MadameX:  well said. I appreciate this. Thank you.

Post # 38
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Hugs, bee!! Best to both of you!! I hope you have many bright days ahead.

Post # 39
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

fallbrideintn2015:  Gotta say, I agree completely.

To the original poster, I’m not trying to pile on and I’m not at all trying to offend you, but I think the fact that you’re still dwelling on this one day of your life isn’t necessarily about the wedding aspect of this.  I think the fact that you had to essentially go through counseling and read books to convince yourself that your husband was the right guy to marry is very telling…and you WERE super defensive in your response.  I do agree with you that cold feet are more common than we might think, however…going to therapy to figure out if the guy is the right one to marry and marrying him a couple months later?  Maybe not the best idea in the world.  I think you rushed into this marriage without being ready and now you’re freaking out because you have $15k-$20k in debt for a wedding that you weren’t 100% sure of to begin with.  And yes I could be totally off base here but I don’t think I am.  I don’t know you and I don’t know your relationship and again, I’m not trying to pile on, but there is most definitely something amiss here.

Post # 40
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

LOL Sorry – I’m still stuck on the part you “I was super economical and cheap with all my wedding decisions, got the cheapest flowers, skipped favors, got a sample dress, etc”

– and yet you’re still thousands in debt?!!??!!?? and not just a couple grand, like $15K?? 

Sorry – I would have wedding regret too if I’d gone over what I could afford by that much too… 

I truely hope you can feel better about all of this soon Bee. 

 

 

Post # 41
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

You prioritised preparing for the marriage over prepraring for the wedding – good for you, I’ll bet a lot of couples wished they’d done this!

I guarantee if these things didn’t happen, something else would have. It’s a wedding – there’s a lot of people and moving parts, things happen. I don’t know a single person who can honestly say that absolutely everything went to plan and they literally enjoyed every second of their day.

A good friend recently got married, there was a massive storm and the ceiling of their reception venue collapsed, right above the bridal table, midway through the groom’s speech. This set the fire alarms off and we all had to be evacuated – into the rain – whilst the fire brigade was called to fix the alarms. This caused dinner to be THREE HOURS late, which was ok because the bride was too busy mopping up the soggy carpet around her table. Seriously – there are photos of her with buckets, towels and mops in her wedding dress. Now THAT was a disaster – it was even on the front page of the local paper.

So, not to trivialise your feelings, but I’m sure you can make some good memories from your wedding day. Hope you can find some peace 🙂

Post # 42
Member
1024 posts
Bumble bee

I think you’ve put a lot of pressure on yourself to make things absolutely perfect, when such a thing doesn’t exist. 
Wedding planning can be incredibly stressful – all those choices and tasks do something strange to our brains and we start comparing EVERYTHING to the point of driving ourselves nuts.

At some point, you’ll have to move on. You’ll have to recognize that your wedding day happened, and you worked so hard on it. Don’t let the crazy high standards and pressure the industry puts on us get you down – it was still a day to be celebrated!

Do I think back and think, ‘Gee, I could’ve done this and that differently’? Sure! But then if I did those things differently, I could’ve STILL compared it with other options!
At some point, you have to step back and give yourself a little pat on the back for all you DID do, instead of the things you didn’t.

Dwelling on the negative only prevents you from enjoying your present and future — I hope you can let go and let yourself move forward, trying not to stress over the details quite so much <3 

Post # 43
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think when some people hear a “perfect” wedding they think that means that nothing went wrong, I don’t think there has been an wedding in history when things haven’t gone wrong, broke, been forgotten, etc yet despite this some people say that it was perfect that’s because they make the choice to focus on the good and look at the meaning the day held. 

Prehaps you could try whenever you find a bad thought about your wedding creeping in to try to think of at least two good ones to counteract it, it will take time and effort but it is possible to train your brain and direct it a certain way, as for the photos I’m yet to get my wedding photos back the photographer is taking ages but I think everyone else is more worried about this than me because I really don’t. Care about them that much we had a wonderful engagement session and I treasure those photos because it showed who we are, maybe you could get dressed up with your Darling Husband abd have some photos taken of just the two of you?

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