Post # 1
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
Hi Bees,
I feel like a complete c.r.e.e.p. for the way I’ve responded to previous brides about this issue and am hoping you can give me some insight to how you handle this in your own life.
I knew there were going to be things that were going to go wrong. I’ve worked at many weddings and attended many weddings and I’ve seen the gamut of nightmares (drunk divorced fathers yelling at their ex’s during speech, wine spilled on gowns, alzheimer mom not remembering wedding, bridesmaids not wearing bras or underwear……get my drift?)
So now I’m 3 weeks post wedding and I’m very upset about 2 specific incidents that happened at our wedding with people who are very close to me. They have not apologized for their actions and I am trying to let it go – don’t want the special feeling to be tainted by their actions.
Telling a bride to “just get over it” is easier said then done. Aside vendor disappointment, how did you stop feeling badly about someone who let you down on your wedding day? How did you get to forgiveness?
Post # 3
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper
There are only so many things that you can control, and other people’s actions are not one of them. Were there a few things at my wedding that really irked me? Sure! But after a while, those memories begin to fade and you remember only the happy times that are associated with your wedding. Remember that you married the love of your life that day and get to spend the rest of your life with him. And to be honest…that’s all that matters.
Post # 4
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
@2PeasinaPod: thank you for responding. The 2 things that happened were really big – as in “I hate this dynamic in our family” kind of way. I’d like to be in happy newlywed space and am trying to figure out how to get there. Besides having time heal a wound, how else do you handle family conflict and/or get to forgiveness?
Post # 5
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
I went through some MAJOR drama at our destination wedding that I have previously posted about, so I know where you are coming from. The main thing for me was really to just move forward. As I’ve grown older I’ve really realized that holding grudges and staying mad only makes YOU lose in the end. Learn to let it go. Seriously, that is the only way to live life.
If it’s something so serious that you honeslty cannot let it go, than that person/persons shouldn’t be in your life anymore. My philosphy is that if someone if important enough to have in your life than you will always be able to reconcile your differences. If you cannot than that person shouldn’t be as close to you as you let them be.
Best advice I’ve recieved: Let it lie, or cut the ties!
Post # 6
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
It is hard and I know very difficult. But just remember that you can’t go back and change it. Family willl get you everytime.
I try to deal with things with humor and to talk about it. Don’t keep it inside. Be honest with the “offenders” and move on.
Post # 7
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
I had some issues with family members at my wedding and honestly, it got worse (in my mind) before it got better. I was kind of zen about it on the honeymoon and over Christmas, but some stuff happened over my birthday and that brought it back for me. The combination of families is really REALLY tricky.
My reaction has been to lower my expectations. I don’t know if I ever count on them to do things that they’ve said they’ll do, show up on time, etc. I’m just going to do my best to not put myself in the situation where I have to rely on them.
I think that if there’s something really specific that you think they should apologize for, you can always express that to them. If it’s something more like my issue (just generally being flakey, not listening, not helping, etc), then I think that’s my issue to deal with.
Post # 8
Member
6997 posts
Busy Beekeeper
I dont know how your family works but for us family is the strongest bond we could ever have. lets say i was just friends with my sister in real life, that relationship would have been over a long long LONG time ago that being said, i know im stuck with her – we have had some major “End of a Friendship” fights but my love for her overpowers everything else, i may stay mad and not speak to her for a while but eventually things just get back to normal – mostly because i have to forgive and forget – she is stubborn and most likely wont apologize, though she has surprised me on some occassions.
In the end though you just can’t stress about things you can’t control or change. i would just tell these people how it made you feel and try and move on from there with or without and apology.
@ArwenBride: i think its is perfect: My reaction has been to lower my expectations. I don’t know if I ever count on them to do things that they’ve said they’ll do, show up on time, etc. I’m just going to do my best to not put myself in the situation where I have to rely on them.
I cant tell you how many times i had plans with my sister to go shopping or just hang out ( she was much older than me – 9 years- so i understand her not wanting to hang out with me at the time) but she left me there waiting, with no phone call or anything and it just broke my little heart – and it would happen over and over again… here i am a good 15 years later still dealing with the same sort of issues from her – at this point its just expected and i don’t get upset.
Post # 9
Member
1315 posts
Bumble bee
I know exactly how you feel, date twin! Maybe we’re just too recent from it to really let it go. Our wedding was super stressful – we had it at home, so had horrendous amounts of work to do in the month leading up to the wedding – and some people (isn’t it always family!) just added to the stress on the day.
I’m still not quite right with SIL A who really got my goat on the day, and we usually get on fine. She
1) attacked me right before dinner about the seating plan which I had messed up, I apologised and explained the error, she blanked me and ignored me for the evening before
2) attacking me at 2.30 am because we’d ran out of toilet tissue – what the hell could I do about it at that time?! -and grrr, there was a pack of 12 rolls behind the bar the whole time – and
3), worst of all, A’s boyfriend, drunk as a lord, harassed me at least ten times over three hours to dance with him, when I really didn’t want to dance at all. He nearly pulled my arm out of its socket, bruising me, and A is thick with me! Apparently it’s not ok to be annoyed with foolish drunk men… Bah.
Sorry for the rant! I know I’ll work it out with A eventually, but I’m not there yet, so I’m more or less avoiding her for now, until I can be more detached about it! Our wedding was the most stressful event in my life by a country mile, and these things always bring out the bad, the temper, the impatient in all of us! I wish you all the best with your situations, and TBH think west coast blonde’s advice is good!
Post # 10
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Say what you need to the people who hurt you, then move on. Think about all the people who have been supportive and wonderful and how lucky you are to have them in your life. And most of all, remind yourself that you have found true love and a great life to look forward to.
Post # 11
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
Thanks to everyone for the awesome advice. I feel a million times better already just knowing that there are other women who have walked in my shoes. It’s funny how major life events bring out the “crazy” in my family relationships.
When I was recalling the actions of unsaid family members at the wedding, I realized the same behavior “reared” its ugly head at my undergrad graduation and at my father’s funeral.
I am making peace with the fact that I probably will not be getting an apology and
ArwenBride your note about lowering expectations is very much what I need to do. This has helped me in the past and I am going to try to do this with my 2 family members.
KatyElle I hear you – I would love to talk it over, but sadly, one family member consistently has her phone turned off and is avoiding me. I’m going to move forward with or without her.
Post # 12
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
@sfchick: No problemo. 🙂 I know that this sucks. Hopefully we’ll both get to where totheislnds
You also mentioned something that I find super frustrating as well: repeated crappy-ass behaviour. BooURNS.
Post # 13
Member
3620 posts
Sugar bee
@west.coast.blonde – great advice! I’m cutting ties since I know that there’s no amount of “talking it over” that will change how batshitcrazy people are.
Post # 14
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
@sfchick: Nothing SUPER drama happened at our wedding, but there were a handful of things that happened that in any normal circumstance, I would have said something about. But I just made a really fierce and stubborn decision to just black it out and pretend it didn’t happen.
Why?
Because it was my wedding day. I worked so hard for that day and it was already such a blur, I just wasn’t willing to let anything taint my recollection of the day. It rained on our wedding day, and there’s was nothing I could do to change that, but I COULD choose to not think about other people’s actions and let it bother me. I could choose not to question and investigate and figure out what happened. Because I knew it wasn’t going to make things better.
What I’m trying to say is, even if it galls you or bugs you (and trust me, I had a few days where I just sat and pouted about the few things that bothered me), its worth being at peace and remembering your wedding with fondness. Call it delusional, but I’m willing to be that for my wedding.
Post # 15
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
@Ginger123: hi, thanks for responding. I hear what you are saying. I had a wonderful time at the majority of my wedding but a couple serious issues came up at the reception that can’t be ignored and I have to come to terms with those involved. I worked my buns off on my wedding and what happened was inexcusable -nothing to do with vendors or weather -but with immediate family members and our “relationship dynamics”. 
I’m taking everyone’s advice in as I process how I’m going to handle what happened and I know that no matter what, time will heal the wound. My “husband” had an awesome time and was kept in the dark about what occurred until much later and I am so grateful to the guests and family who assisted in the coverup lol! 🙂
I will get to that peaceful place sooner than I thought. Just writing thank you cards last night put a smile on my face when I thought of all the people who flew from miles away to be with us. 
Post # 16
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
@sfchick
I find it interesting that you also experienced this for your graduation and a funeral. After my wedding, I realized that I had the same pattern – every major life event I’ve gone through has also has a family sideshow featuring crazy childish behaviour that threatens to overshadow the event itself.
So … fast forward 5 years … arrival of my first baby. Same shizz. Go figure. The difference was this time I fully expected it and drew some boundaries.
My advice to you is to feel what you are feeling and express it in whatever way you can. Decide how you will react next time. Then let go and enjoy your new life together.
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