(Closed) Post wedding no sex tmi nsfw

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Maybe it’s anxiety on her part. I know sometimes women who have a lot of fear or anxiety, even on a subconscious level, about sex have a hard time letting go which causes the muscles in the lady bits to clench up really tight.

It kind of sounds like you are pushing her. You guys haven’t even had sex after 2 months of marriage and yet you want to know how to get her to be kinky? Give the poor girl some time, dude. Baby steps.

My suggestion would be to go talk to a sex therapist.

Post # 4
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m not offended at all, but it also does take a lot to offend me (and few things in sexuality do – good thing I’m a sex educator, huh?). I can definitely see how this can be frustrating. There are a lot of reasons why a woman may have difficulty inserting anything into her vagina. I’m not a medical provider and this isn’t meant to be medical advice. I do suggest she go see a doctor, ideally a gynecologist (if she doesn’t have one already – but make sure it is someone she is comfortable with!). she may just be tensing up. While in its general state the vagina is smaller (most women in length it is anywhere from 2 inches to 4 or 5 inches), but if a woman tenses up it can stay very tight. If at any point she experienced vaginal pain, she may automatically start tense up automatically (often subconsciously) if the woman is in a sexual situation. Pain is scary, so the woman may tense in anticipation of the pain happening again – even if it has the potential to be a very pleasurable experience.

It’s not common, but it occasinally happens that a woman has a very thick and stong hymen (the thin amount of skin that covers the opening to the vagina). Often, women have a hymen with one or more holes in their hymen (just born that way!) and they can break it without sex ever happening. Some women break their hymen being active (riding a bike, lots of gymnastics) or even using a tampon. This doesn’t make her any less of a virgin, but can either thin the hymen or break it. I have a close female friend who was a waiter. She was unable to have intercourse with her spouse b/c of what we jokingly call her hymen of steel. She had to have her gynecologist break it for her! Again, super rare but it does happen. Her sex life is very lovely now – I don’t get details (and I’m okay with that) but she does giggle and glow when she mentions it.

There is also teh possibility of something like vaginismus – involuntary contractions of the vaginal muscles. So, the vagina contracts when a woman menstruates (to help facilitate the blood leaving the uterus), gives birth (to help the baby move on out!), and when she orgasms (her uterus also tilts up, and her cervix dips into the end of the vagina). Sometimes these contractions are more intense than others. Vaginismus is involuntary and worse for some women than others. FOr some women, they can have intercourse but others can’t. Often, the best therapy is pelvic floor physical therapy (the woman may also do exercises at home). Vaginismus can have a multitude of causes, and sometimes doctors do not know what causes it or it may be a combination of causes.

There are other reasons that I didn’t cover (sorry, running out of steam, I’m tired). To the too long don’t read of “broken sex” is to see a doctor, ideally a gynecologist. 

As for bringing out her inner kink… that is more up to what she likes. If she is a waiter and hasn’t experienced much (either personally or even by viewing pornography, reading magazines, etc) she may not know what she likes. I think of it this way: my first kiss was nice. It was a little messy, but it gave me butterflies. I didn’t know if I would like anything else. Kissed another guy and… well, no butterflies and he tried to swallow my tongue. I knew I didn’t like that. I love how my partner kisses me. So maybe she needs to look into different activities. 

If she hasn’t read a magazine like Cosmopolitan or even Glamour that may be a good start (I personally prefer Glamour and have a subscription, Cosmo is okay but I find that I read their sex and relationship articles way too critically and I think that they focus on a certain way women should be more than most women’s focused magazines). You can even pick up a book on sex – it doesn’t have to be a pornography magazine. There’s lots of great books out there – I love Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction (by Debby Herbenick – it’s very no-nonesense, funny, and written like I’d be having coffee witha friend. Debby is a sweet woman and crazy smart!). It’s not raunchy, and I give this book to tons of female friends. Now I don’t think that this book is gonna cause her to pull out a whip and a leather corset, but it is a great book to teach people about their body as well as starting to explore what they may like.

I personally like those little coupon books that you can get that have things like “Good for one free backrub”, “Give this to me and I’ll do that thing you love”. I bought the Sex Deck (http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Deck-Playful-Positions-Spice/dp/0811853578/ref=cm_lmf_tit_8_russss0) a bit ago and looking through it, I tihnk it’s great for relationships. You can give it to her, and let her look through it. She can decide what she likes and is interested and then give you a card – or live it on your pillow, etc. Lots of options! 

A little more risque is Sex is Fun! (by Kidder Kaper). I use similar lists to the ones he has at the end of each chapter – you can check off behaviors you like and then your partner does. Again, it’s a bit more risque – there’s pictures in there including same sex relations.

A web site that I commonly talk about (especially when teaching, and occasionally at workshops – that depends more onthe topic!) is Mojo Upgrade (http://www.mojoupgrade.com/). It’s a cool site that allows partners to do teh questionnaire separately and then compiles what you BOTH are into. 

If you have any more questions, please PM me!

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