Postpone (Not Cancel) Wedding and Reaction

posted 11 months ago in Ceremony
  • poll:
    Dump her : (51 votes)
    76 %
    Call her : (8 votes)
    12 %
    Wait for her to call me : (1 votes)
    1 %
    See counseling : (7 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    121 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2019 - City, State

    Dump her so she can move on – 9 years is a long time. You don’t seem to trust her financially (whether legitimate or not, it doesn’t matter) so in this area you guys are definitely incompatible. Do you love her more or your financial security? Your actions say you don’t love her more, which is ok, it just means your lifestyles are incompatible, and neither of you will compromise. 

    You did compromise briefly but then could not accept it, hence the “bill ultimatium”. You can love someone but not want to join finances with them – whether she’s ok with that or not is another issue.

    Post # 17
    Member
    433 posts
    Helper bee

     Man, it doesn’t sound like she contributes to any of the wedding related finances. She wanted a bigger ring, did she chip in for it? Is she chipping in for the honeymoon? For the shared future family home? 

    I’m one of the few people on the forum who think a pre-nup is perfectly legitimate, I don’t want one but my SO does…but I’ve never seen it as “setting up for failure”, more of “the person you may end up divorcing will definitely not be the person you chose to marry”. 

    So, to a certain extent, I’m on your side. BUT.

    WHY on earth did it take you 9 years to propose? At that point, it’s shit or get off the pot, no long engagements…just get engaged, get married (even if it’s at a courthouse)…and yes, at that point, most women definitely want it on their timeline because clearly the guy has been delaying marriage for their entire relationship.

    Post # 18
    Member
    49 posts
    Newbee

    Call her. 

    She needs to move on. Find someone who trusts her and wont plan on getting another divorce and wants to stay married for the rest of her life. It sounds like she probably wasn’t even involved in picking her ring, and her expectations were not considered regarding an item she was to wear daily for decades. When people are 20 it is cute to have the guy pick a little ring and surprise her. It is sentimental, no one is established and it is better to get a cheaper ring that wont break the bank for a person who isnt earning as much as they will later.  At 50 though it is a different story.

    I have done several remodels, things always happen that can require additional cost and frankly the cost can be double or more the original estimates. Sometimes you start on a house and since you plan on living there people want a quality product that will last and not a cheaper version that was planned. Between that and finding that labor is more or unexpected costs, remodels rarely go according to inital plans. 

    A 9k ring doesnt sound like an expensive one for a middle aged woman , most women I know with college age kids have at least a 2 ct. ( but I live in a large city and small towns sometimes have smaller rings so that may just be a local thing , I do not know what kind of ring her family and friends had or what she had hoped.) 

    Frankly based on your actions and how you describe her,  it sounds to me like you are not “ all in “ this relationship. You are not an inexperienced 20 year old. Your messages to her are loud and clear.  You havent called in 2 weeks , you want a prenup “ incase” you cant trust her or things dont work out and either she helped you pick a ring and then changed her mind , or she wasnt even consulted on the cost and size before hand. 

    It sounds like she wants different things and marriage means different things to you both. It sounds like she wants a life partner and you want a business partner to share expenses with so your out of pocket is less each month. 

    Post # 19
    Member
    10273 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    mickey99 :  

    You haven’t heard a word from this woman in two weeks?  Are you quite sure you even have a relationship at this point?  It’s hard to think of a more childish way to deal with conflict, though there are a few, most of those are felonies, though.

    Why would you ever want to tango with someone like that?  This the height of asininity.  She wants her way, so she shuts you completely out for two weeks?  How would that work if you were married?

    Waiting to get married until the kids were older, I can get that.  You’re saying the worst of the fighting started after the engagement.  That is not all that unusual, lots of couples find themselves bickering more right before their weddings. Even if she did have to lay an ultimatum on you regarding marriage, that doesn’t excuse the rest of her terrible behavior.

    It’s also possible that she’s been hiding who she really is until she felt like you were sufficiently locked down.  Then, she let the mask start slipping.

    As to the prenup, perfectly reasonable, particularly since you have kids.  The biggest problem is getting courts to enforce them, so make sure you use an attorney who really knows what they’re doing.

    The ring thing, just no.  That was atrocious behavior.  When someone chooses an expensive gift (most people would consider $4K to be expensive), you accept it with gratitude and grace.  You recognize the thought and care that went into it.  You absolutely do not bitch about how it isn’t good enough, go back and do it over.

    If I were you, I would use this hiatus to make a run for it.  And consider therapy to figure out why I was drawn to a woman like this.

    Post # 20
    Member
    1439 posts
    Bumble bee

    Many will come and tell you that you had 9 years to figure yourself out and decide whether you want to marry this woman. I agree. However, SHE also had 9 years to figure out that this relationship is not what she wanted too.

    That being said, it’s surprising that you all went on for 9 years and these issues had not previously reared their ugly heads. 

    I think you need to pick up the phone, ask her to have a heart to heart, and decide together where you two want to end up. Then from there, assuming you want to work it out, I would suggest you set up a plan on paper for wedding budget and renovation budget. If a prenup is important to you, which I think at your age with separate sets of kids is totally normal and ok, you need to have that discussion asap and discuss using lawyers to draft it properly.

    It sounds like your expectations are not matching up and that could be for a variety of reasons. That needs to be fixed first and foremost otherwise you will keep fighting.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1237 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

    mickey99 :  It sounds like you might be overlooking the emotional side of things, to be honest.  People don’t usually just start fussing and arguing incessenatly out of no where without a reason, especially if it’s not been a habit of hers throughout the previous years of your relationship.  People also spend money to fill emotional holes.  It could be that you waited almost a decade to propose and now that it’s finally happening, she’s feeling anxious about the transition.  She might be scared that you’ll back out, or something.  Who knows.

    My guess is that something is bothering her.  Either she isn’t sure what it is, or she doesn’t feel like she can talk to you about it so it’s coming out in other ways, i.e. bickering.  I think a calm, considerate conversation about how she’s feeling would help.  I know guys aren’t often too keen on sitting down and having a heart-to-heart about your inner turmoils, but the bottom line is that it’s important to women.  If you’re going to marry this woman, you’ll have to learn how to support her emotional state a little bit and help to figure out what the root of the problem is.  Just saying “she fights all the time now” isn’t productive.  Find the “why” and then you two can start working things out.  Even if you think her concerns are silly or unfounded, they’re still concerns of hers so they’re worth paying attention to.

    Post # 22
    Member
    11490 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    Was she equally on board with the nine year wait? It really doesn’t sound like it. Many of her issues with you could come from total frustration that it took you nine years to commit. You often see it on these boards that by the time the guy finally gets his act together to propose, she’s feeling devalued and already over it. This may be her way, subconscious or not, of acting out. 

    She did handle the ring issue quite badly. As you say, it was a gift. It may be about expecting a grand gesture after her long nine year wait. Apparently she felt you could “afford” to be far more generous. That’s absolutely no excuse for being ungrateful, though. For your part, after all this time it would have been nice to have a better idea of her taste in jewelry. 

    The date ultimatum shows that she was likely ready to walk. 

    Your prenup was over the top and offensive IMO. I am not against them, especially when a second marriage and children are involved, but I would run for the hills if anyone thought they had to legally mandate something like day to day bill paying. If you can’t trust someone enough to discuss and agree on something like that you shouldn’t be getting married in the first place. 

    I’m not sure you have the option to get back together at this point. But if you really love her and think all this is out of character and a function of emotions running high, then I’d call her first and suggest counseling second. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    3616 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    mickey99 :  you seem determined to view your fiancee as a demanding, “fussing” woman. i’m sure there’s another side to this story – and you’re not willing to be empathtic and consider there’s perhaps a different perspective here.

    regardless, it’s clear that you two are not collaborative at all so don’t bother getting married. break up and find people you can actually live with.

    and yeah, it’s SUPER weird that you’re as old as you are, having been dating for nearly a decade without living together, and without getting married. no wonder she’s upset.

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