Postpone wedding perspective

posted 6 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

pitbullfan :  You mentioned his anxiety is holding you hostage. Those are powerful words. Based on what you posted, I would not be able to go through with marrying him–or date him, for that matter. I would call it off. 

On another note, did he leave one job for another because of anxiety? Also, you mentioned he’s bad with money. He wants to be a stay at home dad. Have you ever considered the possibility he sees you as an answer to his problems? He doesn’t want to clean up after himself. Doesn’t want to budget. He doesn’t want to work. Meanwhile, you make enough money to support him and his spending habits. Sounds like he’s looking for someone to take care of him. You need a partner, Bee. I don’t see a partnership here. 

Post # 3
Member
4499 posts
Honey bee

You made the right call to postpone.  No one should feel emotionally blackmailed in their relationship to withhold their own feelings.  No one should be in a committed legal partnership with someone who runs with things get hard. 

He may not get to choose when his anxiety comes, but he can choose how to respond and get help coming up with appropriate coping mechanisms.  I personally would be hesitant to be in a relationship with,  let alone marry anyone unwilling to do that and putting the burden on me to manage their mental health.  It is an unreasonable and quite frankly selfish expectation and is not the makings of a healthy partnership.

Post # 4
Member
1121 posts
Bumble bee

He doesn’t sound capable of even being in a relationship, let alone a marriage. I would call it off. This isn’t fair to you and it’s not your job to fix him or save him. He needs to do the work himself and it doesn’t really sound like he wants to.

It would be different if he was making more of an effort of course. But this seems very one-sided and if you are already exhausted from this, I don’t see it getting better 

Post # 5
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee

Definitely,  definitely postpone. You will live to regret it otherwise . And then long and hard about what life will be like with him. Forget how you “love” him. What’s important is how you deal with him and vice versa. I don’t want to make you upset but these changes you want are pretty major. Frankly I dont them happening. And being a full time parent us no cakewalk, easy-peasy. He wouldn’t be any better at his relationship with his kids than he is with you. Ask anyone with a seriously mentally disordered parent.

Post # 6
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

pitbullfan :  Bee, I commend you for having the strength to recognise that this situation is wrong. 

Anxiety can be a reason for certain behavoiurs – but it shouldn’t be used as an excuse. Your FI’s first priority should be therapy if he’s not coping, and he isn’t prioritising it. 

I would agree with postponing the wedding, and I would even suggest some space, so he has the room to improve things on his own.  You can be his supporter, but only he can work on his mental health.  If he is unwilling or unable to do that, I would rethink the relationship. 

Post # 7
Member
604 posts
Busy bee

You’re doing the right thing. These are serious issues; good on you for being strong enough not to “rug-sweep”. He’s blessed to have a partner with a good head on her shoulders.  

Post # 8
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I think you need to trust your gut on this one, tiptoeing around his feelings now will cause more hurt in the long run. I think you will regret not trusting your own intuition. 

Post # 9
Member
960 posts
Busy bee

Whatever you do, don’t ever use the wedding and your relationship as a hostage of him seeking help. Remember that it will break his heart nevertheless when you tell him that you want to postpone the wedding. And he may take it very hard. So be prepared that there will be a period when he may be really upset and unstable. A person with mental health issues is still a person with feelings, if not more.

Post # 10
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! I would post-pone the wedding for at least a year. I would suggest sitting down with him and explaining that you love him, but that for your relationship to have the proper foundation for marriage you need him to see a counsellor and help get some healthier coping mechanisms.

I understand anxiety and how helpless and defensive it can make a person, so I would ground this conversation in love and caring, but be firm with your boundaries. Anxiety affects both people in a relationship.

I would also consider couples counselling to help navigate this situation. It’s a tricky situation that probably has a lot of mixed emotions from both of you and having a professional opinion to help navigate these waters would help prevent resentment and blame and allow you two to move forward together

I wish you all the best! xo

Post # 11
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

To be honest, I don’t feel you are the right partners for each other. He needs someone who would enjoy giving him regular kick in the ass. While you need somebody with a sense of responsibility. So far he just feels very comfortable using all your love and care and playing “poor me” card.

As somebody whose anxiety is above the roof at the moment, I can tell you it doesn’t stop me being responsible. I am handling wedding, cross-country relocation, terminal family illness, home-schooling, pet relocation, part-time job and international travel (to name a few, there is more, and most of it doesn’t go smoothly) at the moment, while my Fiance is doing his side in another country. I want to scream and hug him and say how tired I am, but it doesn’t stop me from doing all that stuff.

So my advise, don’t rush into that marriage. I can see from your post that you are kind, understanding and loving. You are worthy more than this sort of relationship. I am sure there are men who will be very appreciative you. You deserve to be loved and to be able to rely on your other half.

Post # 12
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Bee, when you say you “found out some things about your Fiance that you don’t know you can live with”, do you mean about the severity of his anxiety, or is there something else going on?

Post # 13
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

You can’t spend the rest of your life coaching him on how to handle his own emotions.  Postponing is definitely the right decision, and you need to have a long talk about how he’s not taking responsibility for himself.  If he can’t do that, then it’s a parent-child relationship instead of a marriage, and you don’t want to be tied to that for life.

Post # 15
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

I’m exhausted just reading your descriptions of what you’re dealing with!

Heres what stands out to me: you seem to be playing therapist and mom to someone who is supposed to be your partner. I gather you have tremendous empathy for your fiancé because of his mental illness, but that doesn’t mean you need to marry him. It’s ok to say, “I cant do this anymore.” He is not actively taking steps to help himself – he’s contributing through his inaction to the current situation. No one chooses to have a mental illness, but most are able to choose to seek help for it. My concern is that your fiancé will grudgingly go to therapy in order to avoid losing you (which, really, he should be going to be healthier, not for an external gain) and then won’t do the work in therapy, robbing you of more time and effort.

I suggest you take the wedding off the table completely and evaluate where you are and where the relationship is. Is this what you want your life to look like? What needs to change in order for you to be happy in the relationship. Follow your gut with the answers. 

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