- 6 months ago
- Wedding: June 2019
Long time stalker, but first time poster. You all seem to have very helpful advice, and I could really use an outside perspective right now. My fiance and I have been engaged for almost two years now, together for four. The wedding is in two months.
The last six months have been really rough. The outside hits just kept coming to both of us. We are in a more stable place now, but I found out some things about my fiance during that process that I don’t know that I can live with. We’ve talked about them and both of us want to work on it, but due to his job, he was not able to carve out time to see a counselor (or, really, take care of himself at all). This has taken a giant toll on me, which I don’t think he comprehends because he’s so deep in the weeds with his own anxiety/PTSD, which he also needs me to help him sort through.
I’ve been as supportive and understanding as I can, but I had to start putting up boundaries and not tolerating certain behaviors, which he does not like. When he comes out of his anxiety, he apologizes and says he understands why I did what I did. I’m growing emotionally exhausted of this cycle and being his only support, which I’ve told him, to his dislike. He wants to get a new therapist, but has been unable (unwilling?) due to his work schedule. He did get a new job, which starts in a few weeks, for that very reason.
My concern isn’t so much about his anxiety, but rather his coping mechanisms (or lack of healthy ones). This is not all about him either – I know some of my behaviors (he needs more physical affection and communication than I provide at times) and my own health issues last year didn’t help.
All of this brings me to today, when I brought up my concerns over the fact that the wedding is coming up fast and we still haven’t talked to a therapist. We’ve discussed this in pieces before – he knew I was stressed out and that the wedding was something I’ve been unsure about. Today I finally put all the pieces together and told him my feelings and that I seriously wanted to consider postponing the wedding due to our current lack of emotional stability. He did not take it well, started blaming himself (which is the reason I was hesitant to bring it up in the first place) and then, after I left for a few minutes to let the dog out, started packing to go to his mom’s house 4 hours away, because apparently his default reaction is to run away. When I got mad at that and told him off, he at least unpacked and said now I know leaving is not the right option.
He told me later that we could postpone the wedding if I wanted to, but it would cause him a great deal of shame and anxiety. Part of me (which I’ve never told him) feels held hostage by his anxiety, because there are certain things I need from him (sticking to/discussing a budget, seeing a therapist, taking care of/cleaning up after himself) that can sometimes go by the wayside due to his anxiety and what he needs to just get through. He keeps promising he will get back on the ball, and they will likely happen soon now that he has a new job, but him putting these things on me for six months has made me a wreck at times, and, if I’m being honest, severely impacted my attraction to him.
I do love him, and I want to work things out, but I don’t see it being an easy road, much less one I want to walk while getting married in two months. Most of what he needs from me is to comfort him and say everything’s going to be okay, which I’m having a hard time doing because I don’t know if I believe it anymore. All of this has really shaken me, and I don’t know if I’m being crazy/selfish/mean/etc or realistic.
To top it off, he wants kids and to be a stay at home dad (which I can provide for), but I have a hard time seeing that future with the current state of things. He has enough anxiety over his ability to be a father that I haven’t told him that I’ve started to doubt it too. I can’t in good faith marry him knowing he wants kids while doubting my conviction to have them with him.
Sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance for any advice. We are seeing a couple counselor in a week, and we will see what she says about postponement as well.
TLDR; Fiance has anxiety that he’s not been dealing with, and it’s making me doubt the timing of our upcoming wedding.