Post # 1
My fiance proposed to me in march of 2011, we have since planned to elope a few times but never go through with it because we are so close to our families and want them to be their to celebrate with us. We have been living together since june of 2011, and attending the same college together. He joined the Army in December of 2011 due too lack of funding too finish his education. He is set too leave for basic/ait on June 5th so we set the big day for May 5th to do a wedding/going away party (two birds with one stone).
My parents were generous enough too pay for the big expenses such as catering and the locations. The invitations were mailed at the three month mark on feb 5th, we have been recieving rsvp’s ever since. On March 2nd He disclosed to me that he did not want too make two life changes so close together, so we agreed that we would elope that next week, and not tell anyone and go through with the other wedding as planned. The next day he comes home late from work and tells me that he no longer wants to get married before he leaves because he wants to get used to his new life in the Army before he settles down fully. He says he wants to get married in January when he is back for less than a week. I agreed while biting my tongue to keep from breaking down,i was devistated. He later said his rash change of heart came from his coworkers who kept saying that we should wait.
Not only am I now going too be without him for 7 months planning this new wedding, but I am forced too move back in with my parents because he cant support me without the extra pay he would get if we were married, and with a full school load i can only work so many hours. I fell like he is trying to leave me behind for good when he goes. Everytime I even bring up planning the new wedding or any other cancelations i have to make he is always quick to lash back a firm “we are not getting married before i go”.Everytime i begin to think about the new wedding i wonder how much i should plan for fear of him post-poning again.
Is what im feeling natural after something like this? if so how do i get past this anger/sadness over the post-ponement?
Post # 3
I would talk with him… especially if you already sent invitations and people are expecting a wedding.
Post # 4
I would say you have reasonable concern that he’s not actually going to follow through on a January wedding. He says he wants to postpone because of the influence of his peers, and he’s going to be away from you and surrounded by peers (mostly single men) for months on end.
The big red flag that I see here is whether he is willing to put anything into the wedding. If it is falling on you and your parents to fund things, then he can easily let you do your thing and then not break it to you until later. He doesn’t have anything to lose in that case. If he is financially committed in some way, then maybe that’s a sign he’ll follow through for a future event.
At the very least, he needs to man up and talk about the cancellations with you without snapping at you over it. Presumably, his family and friends have been invited. He needs to be responsible for contacting them to let them know it will not be a wedding.
Just take care of what you can when it comes to cancelling the upcoming event. Don’t start planning on a January wedding at this point. If he is so easily pressured by his co-workers, the next few months could be bumpy. On the other hand, the time apart could help him realize that he misses you and wants you in his life. In that case, he will presumably let you know that he truly would like to be married in January.
Take the next few weeks and do what you need to do for yourself. Try not to focus on the wedding element and instead focus on the two of you. By the time he actually leaves, it might be good to have a conversation about where you stand and whether he actually wants you to think about a wedding in January or if you guys just need to play it by ear.
The positive side to this is that you’ll have time on your own to really think about what you want for yourself and to invest in your own happiness. You guys can still talk and communicate while he’s gone, so maybe that will help you get back to what is important in the relationship so that he won’t just up and change his mind next time a colleague tells him not to do something in his personal life.