(Closed) Postponing my walk date

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

@LeenieBee:  You definition of a “walk date” is probably the best one I’ve ever heard. It’s not about pressuring someone, it’s more about making your intentions clear. I just had to tell you I thought it was an awesome way to explain it.

Post # 18
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Sheesh, why do these “walk date” posts always turn into a bunch of people jumping all over the OP?  It’s like gay marriage or abortion: don’t like the idea of a walk date?  Then don’t have one. End of story, keep your trap shut about getting all judgemental on everyone else’s business.

I was happily un-engaged for 13 years before getting engaged, so it’s not like I’m all about walk dates obviously.  But I’d never presume to tell anyone else that they should approach their relationship in the same way I approach mine.

Post # 19
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@EffieTrinket:  +1 Thank you that is the best reasoning I have heard. It’s absolutely not fafor that it’s okay for a man to say he’s not ready for marriage and the woman is supposed to stick around and watch her dreams go down the toilet. Your explanation was just perfect!

Post # 20
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@EffieTrinket:  She is the one issuing the ultimatum. Whether or not he believes in the institution of marriage is not the issue. The fact is that SHE is the one threatening to leave if she doesn’t get her way… not him.

Post # 21
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

@EffieTrinket:  +1, I completely agree

@rosworms:  But if she stays in the relationship as a permanent gf, then he gets HIS way and she doesn’t get hers.  So how is that more fair?  The point is that two people need to be on the same page, regardless of what their thoughts on marriage are.  If they don’t agree, they need to find someone else who is on the same page.  Same logic applies to whether or not to have children.  

Post # 22
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@rosworms:  A walk date is like gay marriage or abortion: don’t like the idea of a walk date? Then don’t have one.  But don’t tell everyone else they’re wrong.

(Coming from someone who was happily un-engaged for 13 years – not exactly a walk-dater myself.)

Post # 23
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

I’d like to point out that nowhere in the post did OP ask for anyone’s opinion on her walk date. Walk dates are both controversial and personal. Regardless of your opinion on the matter, I think it’s unnecessary to attack OP for her decision.

@LeenieBee:  Glad to hear you two are on the same page now. Good luck!

Post # 24
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@lolot:  i gave my opinion on a public forum on the internet. i didn’t interrupte a private conversation to just insert myself there.

a few of you seem to be taking that worse than the OP of this thread, who actually very calmly explained herself in more detail as a response to me. and, actually, with her extended explanation… it makes more sense. 

 

but i still think the idea of ‘walk dates’ in general is IMO ridiculous. you can’t put a deadline on feelings. you can’t make someone feel ready for something before they are. it’s a big legal and financial commitment (marriage). i think it’s wrong to put that kind of pressure on someone. why would you want to commit to someone who isn’t absolutely certain he wants to commit to you and is only doing this out of pressure?

if i had done that and it lead to marriage, i would always be unsure of the stability of the relationship. i would always have this tiny whisper in my head “did he really want to marry me or did i just pressure him into it?”

Post # 25
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

@lolot:  +1 

we shouldn’t criticize someone’s waiting choices just because they don’t align with our own. 

Post # 26
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

@rosworms:  You’re speaking of an ultimatum, not a walk date.  A walk date is knowing that after a certain point in a relationship you realize that – to quote your words exactly “you can’t make someone feel ready for something before they are” and therefore conclude that you can’t (and don’t want to) wait forever for someone to (hopefully) feel the same way about you either.  It’s not about pressure, it’s about finding someone whose goals (marriage, kids, etc) align with yours.

Post # 27
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I think a walk date is good when it is about self preservation and forcing yourself to commit to a date when you will stand up for what you want and stop allowing yourself to be dragged along indefinitely by a man who won’t/can’t commit.  To the extent your SO is honestly ready but it is just logistics in the way, then it should be forgotten.

However, I have yet to a see a single bee on here who actually stuck to their walk date.  It seems in most cases, they accept thin excuses, or just decide to wait a bit longer.  In your case, he seems legitimately ready – just be wary of a next round of excuses (eg if in 3 months he just needs 2 more months – when is it real vs. stringing one along?)

Post # 28
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@LeenieBee:  Maybe he could propose with a non official ring? some people do that and i think it’s quite fun and sorts out a lot of issues.

One of my friends proposed to his gf with a fake ring from an argos catalogue since he wasn’t sure of the style she wanted but wanted to surprise her. she actually ended up picking a very similar ring! 

Another friend proposed with a toy ring that said I love you and then together they designed theperfect ring and had it custom made.

So I mean he could do something along those lines to surprise you!

Post # 29
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@LeenieBee:  Maybe he could propose with a non official ring? some people do that and i think it’s quite fun and sorts out a lot of issues.

One of my friends proposed to his gf with a fake ring from an argos catalogue since he wasn’t sure of the style she wanted but wanted to surprise her. she actually ended up picking a very similar ring! 

Another friend proposed with a toy ring that said I love you and then together they designed theperfect ring and had it custom made.

So I mean he could do something along those lines to surprise you!

Post # 30
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@LeenieBee:  Maybe he could propose with a non official ring? some people do that and i think it’s quite fun and sorts out a lot of issues.

One of my friends proposed to his gf with a fake ring from an argos catalogue since he wasn’t sure of the style she wanted but wanted to surprise her. she actually ended up picking a very similar ring! 

Another friend proposed with a toy ring that said I love you and then together they designed theperfect ring and had it custom made.

So I mean he could do something along those lines to surprise you!

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