Post # 1
My boyfriend is divorced with three kids, so understandably hestitant about getting married again, but he has told me he never wanted to get married again until he met me. He says he feels like he finally met his match. His kids love me and I love them as if they were mine. He asked me last fall if I would marry him and I said yes, but then he quickly followed up with let’s not tell anyone until we have all the plans,… I agreed. But March came around and we had not planned a single damn thing only talked in generalities of things we didn’t like. So I flat out asked him when we were going to tell everyone. He said his cousin’s wedding was in April and I could see how his family does weddings and then we could talk and decide and tell everyone when we came back from a vacation we had planned the first week in June, (with me him and his three kids). At the end of April, right after his cousins wedding he went into the bank, he said ‘just to ask about his finances’ and he walked out with a building loan for a home. He said he never thought he would get approved but now he is eager to get the home finished this year… So a week after I mentioned something really specific about the wedding, that I thought going to vegas and having our honeymoon right then would be cheap and save a lot of money, considering he is divorced, and then we can just have a party in his home town, less than three hundred people and just serve food and alcohol for the evening. He said that would be great, but then said he was so overwhelmed he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. SO I asked “do you want me to shut up about it until the house is built?” He responded, “That’s not what I meant” So I said, “It’s ok, if you want to say that, just say it” SO he said it,….
My lease is up the first of August and I was originally going to move in with him then (because our engagement would have been announced) but now it won’t be by then so I told him I’m going to look for another place (for another year and 80 miles away from him),… that that would give him time to focus on the house,… and I jokingly said “and anything else you think is more important than me” and at first he was sad and thought I was breaking up with him and he fought the idea, but when he realized I wasn’t breaking up just taking a step back while he finished the house, he said that’s fine that he supports me not wanting to live with him until we are married/engaged,…. But he seemed way too cool about it and now I wonder if I made a mistake,… We live an hour and a half away from each other and barely see each other,…so him being so cool with me not moving in with him worries me.
eventhough he is constantly asking me to help him pick things out for the house and my opinions and he calls it “our” house,….He still doesn’t want to tell anyone that he wants to marry me.
WHY? Should I be worried?
Post # 3
This would be a huge issue to me. Why doesn’t he want everyone to know?
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I woudn’t agree to marry someone unless they told their family that we were engaged. What is an engagement if it doesn’t mean you’re planning your life together?
Post # 4
We live an hour and a half away from each other and barely see each other,…s
do you know his family (other than his children), meet them and spent time with them, they know you are his partner?
Post # 5
My fiance and I were secretly engaged for ages. We had been together for a couple of years when he asked but it didn’t really go any further. I knew it would happen eventually though. We even bought an engagement ring about a year before he gave it to me. He just wasn’t sure when to ask properly. He didn’t want to do it too soon or something like that. But we aren’t huge weddine people so I liked not having to worry about people asking about all the details.
Hope everything works out. It sounds like you really need to sit down and talk things out with him. Just because he’s been divorced before doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen again with you!
Post # 6
Yes this is a big red flag. I can’t tell what exactly the issues are but my advice is don’t force him to tell everyone. It really should be something he WANTS to do. You were paitient and I would have made the same decision in your situation to be ok til April byou it would bother me that you aren’t moving in yet. You ARE engaged aren’t you? He said he understands if you don’t wanna move in until being engaged/married. Follow your gut.
Post # 7
I see red flags. He should be shouting from the rooftops that he wants to be with you. What’s his next excuse for not announcing the engagement?
Post # 8
Engaged, but not telling anyone…
And not having plans for either a Marriage that everyone is invited to / knows about… or in the very least an Enlopement for just the 2 or you
Sets off RED FLAGS and Warning Bells for me…
I’d want to know WHY this guy isn’t proud to call you his Fiance, and be out in the open about planning your life together.
Ya until that happens, I’d be making seperate plans for my own life… and the chance that it could be without him
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
What gets me is that he marched off to the bank for a big loan without even consulting you. That speaks volumes to me.
Post # 10
@eloping: Yes his family knows about me/ has seen me,… but i’ve asked him once before something along the lines of “are you hiding me from people in your life” his response was ” everyone important knows about you”…. so take that meaning what you will from that
Post # 11
@sherryberry: he told me he was going to the bank,…. but he went when i was at work,… and he is envolving m heavily in his plans for what he corrects me with all the time as not “his house” but “our house”
Post # 12
That would be a red flag for me. You can always ask him what you are supposed to tell people when they ask if you guys are planning to get engaged. Does he want you to lie to them?
Post # 13
@texasbee: That actually happened at his cousin’s wedding,… he was asked in a crowd of people and he said something along the lines of “IF we do, we will be going to vegas, not dealing with all this crap!” Which in a drunken wedding scene of men talking to each other sounded to me more like a guy hating weddings than a guy confessing that we HAVE already talked about getting married and vegas WAS ACTUALLY what we were leaning towards
Post # 14
His parents even sat us down and said, "look whatever you guys have been having
relationship wise, we are just concerned with you two building this house together in your
current situation.... we don't want the kids to suffer and lose the house if you two break
up".... my boyfriend's response was "I'll tell you what my plans are,..." his father cut
in"no no you don't have to explain your future to us we are just worried" "well don't
worry, I"m making sure I can afford the house all on my own. we are not combining any
finances and won't unless it comes to marriage"
THIS i thought was the perfect time to tell! and he didn't,... it was just me, him, his
mom, and dad,... but he chose to keep them in the dark while he publically is asking my
opinion on things like tile and cabinets and the size of the garage to fit my car!
Post # 15
Get what you need or leave. Ask him why it’s a secret. Then setup a timeline with him and tell him that this is not the kind of timeline that gets pushed back- you’ll be telling your family and friends at that date. Between now and that date he’ll either embrace the engagement or run.
Post # 16
Huge red flags to me. He doesn’t want others to know yall are engaged???
Your engagement should be an exciting time where you can gush to others about it. Show your ring off to friends and family. Plan your wedding. Shouldn’t be treated as some horrible secret.
No offense, but sounds like he is reluctant to marry period and knows this “engagement” buys him more time. I say this cause my ex Fiance from years ago proposed to me with a ring…..with NO intention of ever marrying me. He was just trying to buy more time in hopes that I would eventually just give up on wanting to get married.