Member- msseahorse
- 8 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
Happy New Year to the wonderful and supportive bees in the hive!
I come to thee for advice once again. I’ve posted about the waiting part, the e-ring part, and now this is so much more serious an issue that those things seem so shallow. I NOW HAVE SERIOUS THOUGHTS ABOUT NOT GETTING MARRIED AT ALL. Quick background: dated on/off since highschool and 8 years this month (but really, just over one year of rock steady, healthy relationship), engaged right before his sister’s wedding this summer.
Now prepare yourself for my supposedly indepth summary of our woes -_- (And yes, we WILL be going for counselling, now to see if we can salvage anything or just call it quits and how to recover from this).
I’ve always had a niggling doubt that maybe Fiance (I’ll still call him that cuz we’re still trying to figure this out) was not “the” one because of our crazy different personalities. (And the fact that my gut instinct tells me that if I don’t get over our issues, the D word will surface its ugly head down the line despite kiddies and everything -_-). I, a more outgoing, adventurous, singing and dancing, much more verbose and emotional/dramatic type (and already established financially); him, the introverted, not a lot of friends, veeeeeeery quiet, low self-confidence, definitely not the singing and dancing type, and also finds it hard to express himself (seriously lacking in communication skills). We don’t have a really good conversation history, and I’m more apt just to say, “stop talking now honey” than let him blather on ever so slowly about some really boring thing (this is a consensus, not just my perception). Not much intellectual stimulation, he’s a bit slow on thought processes and speech, and he can’t keep up with me at all. Also, still in school with quite a lot of debt. Parents refuse to help him out financially with school (they did for his first three yrs of eng’g which he hated so he dropped out), so I try to support him financially with this new program (which I don’t resent…yet). And for a mini-vent, he’s awful at picking out presents (if he gives any at all, like this past christmas he tried to compensate by spending all his time with me, which I understand because the poor boy does nothing else but school and work, BUT then randomly paid for a $100+ sushi dinner for 4 ppl, including us, on NYE. That got me mad.) When I asked him what he was planning to get me when he gets his next paycheque (he very well knows I honestly think he’ll splurge on me like I do on him if he had the money so I don’t expect sparklies at this point), he said he was gonna get me a swimming cap. OK. Now, I am the EASIEST person to pick presents for because I go googly-eyed AND actually say what sorta things I like! Bottom line is, I don’t think he picks things up very well and sometimes I find myself thinking he’s not thoughtful and romantic enough for me (and all of my exes were the serenading me under the moonlight type, spontaneous, fun and musical like crazy; just not the marriageable type for other reasons). And then I can’t help comparing that I gave him front row seats to a musical for xmas (cuz he likes theatre), and a 3K+ vacation for his bday. Which I hate doing (the comparing). Sigh. I also got over the “guy must pay for engagement ring” idea and sucked it up and now am paying for my “dream” ring that’s being custom-made (and will be a huge and sad problem if our relationship dissolves).
Quite a few times I’ve found myself bored when I think about what we do together (sit in front of the tv, or me planning something – never him; my fault cuz I’m picky)- and I get restless and nitpick and whine and complain (I’m just not a homebody! I’m the type who jumps off planes and bridges, go caving, etc). He doesn’t really have hobbies/interests aside from keeping me company. He doesn’t really make an effort to have dates with me (even a pizza pizza lunch date), which I find tiring because as much of a type A person I am, it’s nice to take a seat back and let him plan something for once. We didn’t really have that fiery start (more like a slow burn – didn’t really realize I loved him until the second year in), and I’ve found myself so easily tempted by other guys with personalities (and culture) similar to mine, and when we were on our “off” times, I’d date other guys. Funny thing is, he always waited for me to come back, and I do.
What do I love about him? Well, he is tireless in “serving” me, but like I tell him, I want a boyfriend, not a nanny! I do like the energy though, and it’s sweet that he fixes my work lunch for me while I shower. His quiet and stable personality is nice and calming and balances me out when I’m a-buzz with stress and anxiety. His ability to forgive me time and time again when I go astray (break up with him because I was unhappy and bored yet again). He does say that he overcompensates (24/7 massages, anyone?) for the things he knows he can’t provide (easygoing, spontaneous fun) and I in turn want more of this hoping that it will fill the void that he just can’t seem to fill.
Obviously there’s other things I can’t quite describe, but in our reality, everybody thinks we have it good and I’m just a spoiled brat. We look good on paper. Especially because my culture deems his culture very desirable. Yes, I want good-looking kids (halfies are adorable), but maybe there’s more to married life, no??? Like the fact that for some reason I always find myself wondering if there is another guy out there who will make me laugh and have conversations initiated by both parties (he’s really corny and have juvenile jokes, if he tries at all). And the fact that maybe we’re just so used to each other’s company that we’re getting married for convenience. And I’m still mothering him (have you brushed your teeth yet? Why didn’t you wash your hair? Grr, guys. Hygiene is KEY to a woman’s heart!!! Well, one key anyway.)
Last year (2010), I stopped being bitchy and finally decided to shove my “high standards” down the bottom drawer and started being more attentive to him, and more encouraging, and generally just being “more”. And I loved it. He responded beautifully, got more confident in himself, our fights/disagreements are resolved in healthier ways, we genuinely loved being with each other. I still get bored but that’s just me, but hey, if a really cute guy (he’s handsome and I would love many many babies with him) who thinks you are the most gorgeous and sexy woman alive, faithful and loyal to the max, who COOKS AND CLEANS, and is finally spiritually aware (that was one of our big issues, now it’s not, thank God literally), whose family loves and adores you, and is pretty much accepted as a son to my parents…and most importantly, willing to forgive you for all the crap you’ve put him through (issues of MY unfaithfulness to him), and to work on our issues, you better say yes when he asks you to marry him. Right?
I honestly thought we could get over the issues, both serious AND trivial. I thought that a promise from him to work hard on his communication skills year after year (he becomes a robot and not say anything and would wait til I calm down, but leaves the subject untouched) was enough, but I have been waiting and he’s a bit glacial and static in terms of change. I think I could wait until next year when he’ll finally be done school and hopefully get a stable job that would get him at least 2/3 of what I get (better-paying job = more family time), but I have insecurities that he’s not aggressive enough to find the best possible job for him. We’re in our mid-twenties and I’ve always thought that I’d be married and have three babies last year (I wanted to be a young mum). He says he’ll try to be more spontaneous, more fun, more this, more that…but in my heart I know it’s wrong to change people. He, on the other hand, loves that I’m “bossy”. And that I make him want to be a better person (like I said, he has a negative self-image of himself). It just tires me out, and I don’t know if I can handle it without running off to another guy just to chill out. A mentor of mine said that although we both have put so much work on our relationship and have gone through many experiences together in a very long period of time, she’d rather go to a wedding knowing that we are both happy and content with each other. And that I shouldnt have to work THIS hard to achieve not even therapeutic levels of happiness. As for the different kinds of love? He loves me “Agape” style (unconditional), and I think I do too, and we have the friend kind (philia was it?), but lacking in the eros and the other one~ (Side note: we have absolutely zero problem in the bed dept; actually, our relationship was more physical in the first few years; we decided to stop having sex three months ago for spiritual reasons and knowing that we’ll have amazing sex minus the guilt in marriage). We know have a lot of time to think about other things, ha ha. Like, getting to know each other. Ours is an odd relationship :p
The past few weeks I got to suspecting that neither of us are ready for marriage. And me realizing that if I met him now, without knowing him or having the history I have with him, I wouldn’t even date him! (Someone say major red flag!) That maybe we’re engaged because that’s what everybody expects of us because we’ve stayed with each other for soo long, and maybe we are both secretly hoping that marriage will magically change things for the better. WRONG! I was sooo ready to get married and start having kids LAST YEAR. So now, the engagement is on hold (I am now unwilling to plan a wedding being shouldered by me alone, especially with all these doubts). And we’re waiting to get counselling from our church. And I will be stuck with my dream ring (not my dream rock, but what the heck). I’m in a limbo before I have to make a very life-altering decision of either staying with him and risk getting those unhappy moments and risk being an unfaithful wife and/or divorce (because I don’t think he’s ever changing into my revised “ideal” man, not really), or bid a painful goodbye to this 8-year mostly-good, possibly “the one that got away” relationship with a truly awesome man that was just not for me and I for him. My heart shut down already (hello numbness my old friend) cuz it knows what hurt it will have to endure once I choose this road. Will possibly move countries.
Yes, that was eyes-glazed-over-she-has-too-much-time-on-her-hands long, but if you were bored to death or had downtime and maybe have a degree in psychology (I kid), I hope you have something to say – because at this point, I will accept all forms of advice, criticism, support, maybe not disses -_-, …because I love you all and there is collective wisdom in this hive.
Halp? *Cue cute cat picture so people’s irritation due to the length of this post will disappear*
