- 9 years ago
- Wedding: March 2001
So I’ve been a silent ‘lurker’ for the past 2 months or so, but upon reading this post, I realised I just had to say something and here I am with my new spanking account:)
Well, to be frank as I read your post, I couldn’t help but relate to my first serious relationship. Paper wise, or rather criteria wise, he was just perfect! We looked ‘great’ together, and on top of it , he was smart, witty, good looking and the most compassionate and understanding man I had ever known. I used to have quite a number of personal issues and he was ALWAYS there, and considering the fact that I am a bit of a drama queen( ah the honesty!), it felt amazing to have someone tend to each and every one of my emotions(whether justified or not).
I loved this guy, I loved this guy so much that each time I broke up with him out of confused or whatever reason I could come up with, I came right back to him after 2/3 months. I was so confused, I couldn’t understand why WHY WHY when he proposed I wasn’t escatic with joy? WHY? I couldnt understand why I KNEW I LOVED HIM but somehow just somehow a life of me+him=forever made me feel trapped as opposed to joyful and fufilled. So I’d break up with him again, take him back when the ‘misery’ of being without him overtook me. I didn’t realise that this ‘misery’ I felt could very much just be attributed to the loss of someone I did love, but WAS NOT IN LOVE WITH ANYMORE, there is a CLEAR distinction. I hated to admit this to myself at the time, but I just didn’t respect him, I didn’t respect him because he would not stand his boundaries, and through my endless nitpicking at HIM, his self esteem started falling. I was trying to make him into somehow I could love at times.
In turn, neither one of us were happy. But we were attached, and I couldnt let go, but I had to. You have to know this guy deserves to be with someone who will love him wholeheartedly, without reservation…just as you do. Trust me I will be the first to say, it SUCKS letting go of someone you do love, who makes you feel secure, who tends to your worries, but no man you marry should be 80 percent security blanket.
Anyways I did end it, it hurt BIG TIME, there were times I regreted my decision…But it was the right decision, and he met someone who could love him as he deserved, and well I met the LOVE OF MY LOVE and got engaged to him. Can you imagine I went from thinking I would always be one of those people who ‘wasn’t ready’ for long term commitment?? And now the thought of FOREVER with my fiance is just NOT enough!! In retrospect, the ‘fear of commitment’ was just an excuse I used to mask the truth that the only commitment I feared was commitment to my ex…lol
Anyways, won’t drown you further with my post but hope this helps in some how.