(Closed) Postponing the wedding…indefinitely (uber long novel, apologizes in advance)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2001

@msseahorse:

So I’ve been a silent ‘lurker’ for the past 2 months or so, but upon reading this post, I realised I just had to say something and here I am with my new spanking account:)

Well, to be frank as I read your post, I couldn’t help but relate to my first serious relationship. Paper wise, or rather criteria wise, he was just perfect! We looked ‘great’ together, and on top of it , he was smart, witty, good looking and the most compassionate and understanding man I had ever known. I used to have quite a number of personal issues and he was ALWAYS there, and considering the fact that I am a bit of a drama queen( ah the honesty!), it felt amazing to have someone tend to each and every one of my emotions(whether justified or not).

I loved this guy, I loved this guy so much that each time I broke up with him out of confused or whatever reason I could come up with, I came right back to him after 2/3 months. I was so confused, I couldn’t understand why WHY WHY when he proposed I wasn’t escatic with joy? WHY? I couldnt understand why I KNEW I LOVED HIM but somehow just somehow a life of me+him=forever made me feel trapped as opposed to joyful and fufilled. So I’d break up with him again, take him back when the ‘misery’ of being without him overtook me. I didn’t realise that this ‘misery’ I felt could very much just be attributed to the loss of someone I did love, but WAS NOT IN LOVE WITH ANYMORE, there is a CLEAR distinction. I hated to admit this to myself at the time, but I just didn’t respect him, I didn’t respect him because he would not stand his boundaries, and through my endless nitpicking at HIM, his self esteem started falling. I was trying to make him into somehow I could love at times.

In turn, neither one of us were happy. But we were attached, and I couldnt let go, but I had to. You have to know this guy deserves to be with someone who will love him wholeheartedly, without reservation…just as you do. Trust me I will be the first to say, it SUCKS letting go of someone you do love, who makes you feel secure, who tends to your worries, but no man you marry should be 80 percent security blanket.

Anyways I did end it, it hurt BIG TIME, there were times I regreted my decision…But it was the right decision, and he met someone who could love him as he deserved, and well I met the LOVE OF MY LOVE and got engaged to him. Can you imagine I went from thinking I would always be one of those people who ‘wasn’t ready’ for long term commitment?? And now the thought of FOREVER with my fiance is just NOT enough!! In retrospect, the ‘fear of commitment’ was just an excuse I used to mask the truth that the only commitment I feared was commitment to my ex…lol

Anyways, won’t drown you further with my post but hope this helps in some how.

 

 

Post # 48
Member
1889 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think you need to really think about why you’re with this guy, and why you’re having issues.  I remember my mom telling me that when she married my dad (who she divorced 12 years later), she thought about her future and could see herself being with him.  But when she married my stepdad, she thought about her future and couldn’t imagine living her life WITHOUT him.  I think this is a key difference–are you with this guy because he’s handsome and devoted to you (and cooks and cleans), or are you with him because you truly love him and could not imagine being with anyone else?  It sounds like you two have some very different ideas on a good time or good conversation, and I can’t imagine being engaged/married to someone whom I’d broken up with multiple times because he made me “unhappy and bored.”  To me, it seems like you are only with him for superficial reasons (he does chores, he looks good, he keeps you company) and inertia (you’ve been with him this long, might as well stay together) and not because you are really in love with him.  Just my two cents…

Post # 49
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Ok, I feel for you.  Really.  I think you’re really trying to be honest here.  And I think you’ve come to all the important realizations already, you’re just afraid of him.  You already know you can’t change him.  Speaking as an introvert myself, he’s never going to want to go out and do things with you- at least not as much as you want to.  Ever.  And you can’t change for him.  You can’t want to stay in and just hang out all the time, and that does not make you a bad person.  It does make you a bad match for him, and I’m sorry he doesn’t have the self-confidence to realize that.  One thing I would suggest is that you stop staying home with him.  You need to go out and live your life- have hobbies and friends and not drag him along with you.  I hope the counseling you have planned works out.  And I hope you realize you’re strong enough to get through this.

Post # 50
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

@msseahorse: And what I didn’t mention in my PP is that I almost got engaged to my ex in the same fashion as you. Although my ex would have been a great provider, I totally didn’t fit in with his family and friends and I wasn’t sexually attracted to him at all. I just wanted to get engaged so bad I sort of ignored all that. So in a sense I can totally understand the position you’ve put yourself in because I’ve been there. I ended up sabatoging the relationship which I now realize was intentional, of course at the time I was devastated. But the good news is I met my wonderful Darling Husband who is everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more 🙂 And there were no regrets after the dust settled, phew!

Post # 51
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Wow after readiing that, I hate him too. 

I also didn’t know that white guys are especially this big great prize?…….that’s weird.

Dump him, you both will be better off.

Post # 52
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

OP, it’s hard.  Many of us have been through a hard breakup.  We know they suck.  What sucks more is knowing you settled for comfortable (if you can even call your relationship that) instead of settling down with someone you are more compatible with.

You’re right, yes, it was tough to call it off.  Did I weigh my options?  Yup.  Did I have a long history with him?  Yes,  Did we love one another, spend time together, have mutual friends, a home, etc?  YES.  But it still didn’t change the fact that it didn’t feel right to me.  There’s cold feet, and then there’s something more.  When it is something more, you really need to take a step back for the sake of EVERYONE (you, your Fiance, your family and friends, etc). 

I really had to say, if it was this hard to say YES to getting married, then I needed to sort some things out.  Be honest with your Fiance.  He might be in denial now, but I can tell you with certainty that things will work out as they should when you do the right thing. 

Post # 53
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee

Ya, I hadn’t noticed too many votes to stay with him so I thought I’d offer some encouragement. There is a reason that you keep coming back to him, and it’s not just because he’s “safe”. It may be part of it, but when things are good with him, I bet they’re really good.

So he doesn’t share your same social interests, so what! That’s what girlfriends are for. But he is there to offer you everything else a girlfriend can’t.

And he’s in school to better himself. He’s trying, not everyone does that.

Try not to get caught up in the tic-tac of everything, and just try and remember the feelings you felt when you ran back to him after a fling. You’ll work through it. It may be that you just need to adjust your expectations of him, or perhaps he doesn’t know how you feel. I am very much a “partner in life” kind of person when I talk marriage, and although my SO may not always be my “partner for the night” he IS there for me when it counts, and that’s what really matters 🙂

Hope all goes well!

Post # 54
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Cute cat pic =)

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through these emotions. I didn’t read the other comments because I like to give un-biased opinions. I was in a situation like yours a few years back we had been together through high school, he was/is a really amazing guy. But I was so bored. Intellectually he really inspired me to learn new things and we could talk and talk. We were best friends (still close). We got engaged (way to young). I hadn’t even thought about planning when he came and said he wanted to talk to his pastor. We went and I freaked and realized how many things were wrong with us. No spark, not great in the bed dept… A lot of the boredom you are feeling. I chose to leave because it wouldn’t have been fair to him to marry him and wonder if there is something better out there when he was absolutely devoted to me. I am sorry to give sad advice, but starting fresh in a new country with out him may be just what you need.

[attachment=1583881,197923]

Post # 55
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry for saying this, I really am… and I might get some slack for it…

But who cares if he’s handsome or white and you love mixed babies…or that you turn heads as a couple?! I mean, gosh… most of what I got out of your post is that you don’t like your Boyfriend or Best Friend at all…you love him because that’s what happens after years with someone…but you are not in love with him.  Love in unconditional.  Like PP said, you can’t compliment him without following it with a put down.  Instead of feeling empathetic toward you, like “wow what a shame she is postponing her wedding!” I feel like you are spoiled and shallow and had this coming…

Yes, you are totally entitled to what specific things in a partner.  WE ALL DO!  But you have this guy who dotes on you so much that he’d accept an open relationship [wow!] and you can’t say one positive this about it.  It’s okay to accept that it’s not what you set out to have for yourself.  To accept that you’re not where you wanted to be in life and you’ve had your differences…but you didn’t even come off like you CARE about the guy.  I feel sorry for him, honestly.

One last thing… I come from the school of thought that if something is THAT hard, it’s not right and it’s not worth it.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend in college had a horrible family.  They were so mean to me!  In retrospect, I know he couldn’t have been the one, because I wouldn’t have had to go through all of that hard stuff!  Now, my SO’s family is so kind and welcoming to me.  I know marriage is work, but this is the fun part…if it’s THIS hard now, it’s not right.

Also in 8 years on and off you had ONE good year?  Think about it.  Cry about it.  Move on.

Post # 56
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@sleepingbeauty88:  i so want to “like” your post!!! 

Hubs and I are the same way, he’s blue collar and I’m white collar. And while we don’t always see eye to eye on views, and a lot of things that I want to talk about, he doesn’t, and vice versa, we work perfectly together.  I always thought that i would marry a guy “like me” – someone who worked in the professional world and understood what I was going through.  But what we have works for us, and if you truly love him and spent 8 years with him and continue to go back to him time and time again, don’t you think that means something????

Post # 57
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I read your whole post, but not all of the responses. I think you owe it to yourself and especially this guy to leave the relationship. I think you’d be better off. I can’t believe how much you put him down and made yourself seem so ‘amazing’. You cheated on him and constantly go on about how much more you make, how dumb he is, how outgoing and ‘amazing’ you are. No offense but I think he deserves someone who will love him for him, unconditionally. If you’re so ‘amazing’ I think you will have no problem finding someone perfect for you. I hate being so harsh, but seriously, you ripped your fiance to shreds…as if you hated him. Good luck with conseling, but if I were you, I’d end it.

Post # 58
Member
3364 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Half way through reading this post…I got up, went down stairs and kissed my Fiance who is happily playing video games! 

Post # 59
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I read this entire post, plus comments.

 

All I can say is that I feel very very sorry for your fiance, and I would advise letting him go as soon as possible. He cannot be blind to how badly you treat him, and how little you think of him, and my guess is that one day he will be relieved that you called things off, and will be with someone who truly loves him, not just how cute he is and his potential to make cute babies.

Another piece of advice? Gain some perspective and start trying to care about things other than yourself, and what you want. Mature before you put another person through this. I can’t even imagine.

Post # 60
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think he is the one for you. You both sound like good people, but there may be someone else better for each of you that appreciates the parts in each of you that the other doesn’t see. 

 

OR 

 

You are a perfectionist and thinking way too much and you may realize that all the things that he isn’t, is what makes you both perfect for each other. I used to be so sad that my current hubby wasn’t as emotional/deep as me, but I soon realized that the deep and emotional conversations I yearned for only made me and my past relationships HORRIBLE. Talk talk talk about tragic crap all the time. I realized that I needed someone happy and simple. I’m an overthinker and that can sometimes be an over thinkers demise. 

 

If it’s too much and you find yourself resenting him, he may not be the one. 

 

Hope you figure it out. You def have some time before your wedding date to rethink things (stay don’t stay)

Post # 61
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@CupCakeMeg: 

 

I reached over and woke mine up with a hug. 

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