Post # 1
I know this isn’t a question anyone can give me a real answer to but I guess I’m just looking for some thoughts/opinions/guidance. Our wedding was planned for next week. My fiance and I were eloping just the two of us. However his daughter was killed in a car wreck this week. He doesn’t know if he wants to have the wedding or not which I fully understand. I have let him know that the decision is up to him because I don’t want to be the one to decide if he can do it or not. Of course everyone keeps asking if we are still getting married as planned or not. I don’t know what to do…..
Post # 2
Sorry for your loss.
Postpone the wedding. No parent is in their right state of mind after burying their child. In an ideal world children bury their parents.
Post # 3
Definitely postpone the wedding. Wedding can wait, grieving the loss of his child cannot.
Hugs to both of you
Post # 4
Postpone, no question. I can’t imagine the shock and grief he must be feeling right now. Hugs to you both.
Post # 5
Definitely postpone. He needs time to grieve and you don’t want both your memories of your wedding intertwined with such a terrible loss. He might be looking to you for “permission” to postpone, so that he doesn’t seem like the one who decided to postpone.
Post # 6
Sorry for your loss. If anyone asks, all you have to say is that you are focusing on mourning this sudden loss and understandably haven’t made any wedding decisions.
IMO, you should probably postone so he can focus 100% on his grief.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry about this tragedy.
Honestly, I would just cancel unless he is just so adamantly gung-ho about keeping the plans (some people do cope better with their grief by keeping a schedule and continuing with plans, but it sounds like that isn’t the case). I wouldn’t even put this decision on him. This is too huge and too immediate to deal with and likely would cause him guilt either way – either guilt of disappointing you or guilt of being able to just move on so fast. This is where I, if I were you, would probably just take one for the team, postpone to deal with this, and go ahead and cancel/reschedule plans rather than putting it on my grieving partner to decide. If people ask, just say you postponed and will reschedule after some more time has passed to grieve.
The good piece of this is since you were eloping there is minimal fallout with canceling. It isn’t like you have 100 guests flying in this week who need to be notified. You may lose some deposits depending on your plans, but with some explaining and maybe negotiating to just reschedule rather than outright cancel, you may get lucky monetarily and some may be willing to work with you.
Post # 8
carebear18 : This is so sad. I’m so sorry to your family for your loss.
Honestly OP, I’d just make the decision not to get married next week for him. He probably doesn’t feel like it but probably doesn’t want to say so not to disappoint or upset you. (Even though I’m sure you wouldn’t feel that way)
Plan it for six months time and hugs to you all at this time.
Post # 9
Postponing was the direction I was thinking but he keeps saying he wants to go forward with it because he “needs something happy.” I have encouraged postponing but he tells me he doesn’t want to decide until after the funeral. I know he doesn’t want to disappoint me and I won’t lie, I will be disappointed. I 100% fully understand but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me sad. Thank you everyone for your thoughts on the situation. Very much appreciated.
Post # 10
Just wanted to add – I get why you might think you are doing him a favor by letting him be in control of deciding about the wedding. He likely feels so powerless right now dealing with the death of his child and it seems like something that should be his call. But he is making decisions about caskets and flowers no one should have to be deciding about and I would wager to that adding more decision making on top of that feels more like a burden than a gift or opportunity.
And I think no matter how much you try to reassure someone that either decision is fine, there is always a feeling about there being one answer more right and fear of disappointing others. That is why I have the answer so did. Don’t sneak around and just cancel though – but I personally would want to relieve my partner of the burden of that decision or fear of disappointing me by taking the lead and letting them know that this takes priority right now and it is not a reflection of desire to marry and postpone. I will guess even if he feels conflicted and really wants to marry, it will likely ultimately be a relief to not have to handle the two simultaneously.
Post # 11
OMG, how awful for your future husband. I am so sorry for both of you. He lost his baby girl and you lost a stepdaughter. How old was she?
In this tragic situation, I would let your fiancé take the lead. Not everyone grieves the same way. Has he indicated he wants to postpone? Certainly, people would understand.
Or does he feel the need to go forward, believing that is what his beloved daughter would want him to do? This makes sense in many ways.
Just keep in mind, no two people grieve in exactly the same way. And the loss your fiancé has experienced is unfathomable. There can’t be worse pain than that of a parent losing a child. It’s not supposed to work that way.
Be there for him, I know you are. Don’t pressure him to cancel in hopes of taking the pressure off. The ceremony can be done tastefully and with respect. Get with your officiant.
I am so sorry, Bee.
Post # 12
I agree with PP here that you should probably postpone and your FH is not in the right headspace to be fully responsible for that decision at the moment. Tell him you love him and you can’t wait to marry him, but that right now his focus needs to be on grieving his daughter. Whether you get married nect week, next month or a year from now is irrelevant. You’re life partners regardless of when you make the official vows and declarations and waiting a little longer isn’t going to change that.
I’m so sorry you two are going through this. I can’t imagine.