Post # 1
I’m a regular poster but just so tore up over this, I couldn’t handle doing this publicly as I know some of my friends browse here :/
My fiance and I have been together 4 years. When we met I was 21 and he was 24. He’d just gotten back from Army flight school and was on orders, so he was employed the first year we dated.
He was then unemployed for a few months.The change in personality during that unemployment period caused problems with us but we weren’t living together. we were still young and not talking about a future so it wasn’t really an awful situation. He got orders again and was working up until he got deployed.
He has now been home from deployment for a year and still hasn’t found work. He still makes money (more than me sometimes), we live together now and so I help where I can…but now we’re talking about wanting a house this year and kids in the next few years. He has a college degree but not a real practical one (“Social sciences”) and no real civilian job experience. I’ve seen responses from companies and I’ve seen his resume. I don’t doubt he is trying to find a job/career but I just can’t see me marrying a 28 year old unemployed man. Part of it being so upsetting this time around is he stays up late (1 am) sleeps in late (noon) and does not clean up or do errands unless I’m asking him to do specific things. The 4 months I was out of work I was either job hunting or cleaning and cooking. And I got up when he did.
I love him and it’s not about the money, i’d be happy with him taking a retail job just to be working and not staying at home all day. I know he isn’t happy about this either. But after talking with my parents and thinking to myself I told him today that I love him, and I want to marry him, but I just don’t feel good about starting our marriage out with such an uncertain future.
He said “I understand” but not much else.
I’m so sad…and confused…and we don’t want to tell friends or family until as late as we can get away with…we’re skipping STD’s (after all) for this reason.
I guess I could just use some hugs, words of encouragment or advice if you disagree…just be kind. I’m very…emotionally exhaused from thinking about this decision. We finally take the engagement leap and now we’re not where we need(or want) to be to get married.
Post # 3
I agree, it’s not about the money. It’s about the character of the man. In this economy, an unemployed 28 yo man should make looking for work his full time job.
I think you’re right to consider taking a step back.
He had the discipline to make it in the military, that’s a good sign. But, for some reason he lacks motivation to look for work–that’s a very bad sign unless you feel ok supporting both of you forever.
I can understand a short term slump if he just got out of the service & needed time to decompress but it sounds like it’s way past time for him to get it together & get off his duff.
Personally, I’d run screamin. I can deal with underemployed, due to the terrible economy, but not getting off his arse to pound the pavement would drive me away.
He could be depressed, but it’s not your job to diagnose & treat him. If he’s open to counseling, fine. But, you can’t make him do that anymore than you can make him motivated to get a job.
Post # 4
Hi! I just wanted to mention to you that my Dad is a Viet Nam Veteran, and he suffered PTSD. It sounds like your bf may possibly be having some other issues, especially since he wasn’t very responsive about you breaking it off. Can you suggest to him strongly to go see someone? Honestly, the things you are describing sound like they could be depression or PTSD or something of the like. Before you throw in the towel, please give it a try.
Post # 5
- Wedding: April 2011 - The Tribute Golf Club
I think you are making the right decision, as tough as it is. Like you said, it’s not about the money. I think stepping back on the wedding plans while he finds a job is a smart move. Good luck!
Post # 6
- Wedding: April 2011 - Sweet ceremony by the sea and sunset celebration on the North Shore of Hawaii
@UnemployedBlues: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think that your heart and mind wer telling you the right thing, though. You deserve someone who is inspired to be the best version of themself. Marraige, family and homeowning are big responsiblities and having a solid relationship – emotionally and financially – will keep you strong as you take on these new commitments.
I second @luckyprincess‘s advice – it sounds like it would help for your fiance to talk to someone about his current situation. Sometimes, talking it out can give a person new perspective on things.
Post # 7
I’m going to be really frank (but I’ll try to be kind!).
I think the unemployment thing is a cop out. This is coming from a woman who is marrying an over-a-year unemployed man, with an equally as useless degree (History). I’m going to assume he’s getting unemployment, which sometimes pays to NOT find a job in this economy (he’s making more being unemployed than he would be if he could find a job). It’s also really important that he doesn’t work below his “level”, it can look really bad to an employer depending on the job.
It SUCKS being with an unemployed man sometimes, I’ve been through times where I literally kick Fiance out of the house to go do SOMETHING because he’s driving me crazy. But it is a HUGE ego blow to a man to not be able to support his family, and he’s probably got a LOT of self-doubt right now, which was undoubtedly encouraged by your lack of faith in him.
Most men aren’t self-inclined to do work around the house. Most women aren’t really, either. What bothers you about him staying up or sleeping in? He can’t read your mind, so why would he know to do your errands etc?
I’m just saying, you can’t expect him to be you. You dealt with unemployment by keeping busy, he’s dealing with unemployment by laying around. If things he does frustrates you, you need to communicate what and why, and then still remember that he is his own person, and has to deal with things (unemployment) his own way. Frankly it’s probably a little insulting that you don’t see yourself marrying him now, but he still brings in more money than you.
Sorry this is long and a bit everywhere, I just feel that if you wanted to marry him, you would. Maybe I think that just because I do and am.
Post # 8
@Belle2Be: I get what you’re saying, 100% I do. You’re speaking about the part that makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing.
He is not getting unemployment. He is military…National Guard. He goes in on occasion, goes to trainings out of state and reports for drill weekends. All this is how he is making money.
I DO tell him how I feel, why I believe I feel the way I do, the things I’d like to see him do…all of that. And not always in an accusatory way, I really am interested in his feelings and thoughts. Afterall, he is my fiance.
He’s comfortable, for the most part. He wants a “real” job, I know he does. He wants a career, he wants a house…but then he does this part time work, plays video games with his extra time, and stay up till 2am. I wish I’d come home and he’s done the dishes, scooped the liter box, been on post to talk to a career councelor…just SOMETHING one time to let me know he does in fact care. It’s frustrating! He doesn’t ACT like he’s unsatisfied, but I think he is…he says he is…
EDIT: Also, he’s been unemployed for a year. I’m running out of faith. I want our mariage to be a new and final chapter…I want to go into it without the bullshit of unemployment. I want to get married as a way to move forward. I love him and I want to marry him, a part of me would do it tomorrow…but I also don’t think it’s entirely wise to get married when we can’t move forward. I’m not saying it’s wrong…it just goes against everything we’ve been saying the last few years.
Post # 9
@UnemployedBlues: I think it is seriously just a low in your relationship. It really sucks, but you’re not alone in the unemployed Fiance boat. Have you tried sitting together and creating a list of goals for the week? Like he gets dishes Mon Wed Fri, you get them Tue Thu Sat and leftovers on SUn or whatever? Meet with Career Counselor by Wednesday, look for jobs 2 hours a day, surprise you once a week etc?
It is just a crappy time. I don’t think it is worth not marrying your man over (or postponing), I think you’re just panicking a little. Did you tell him all the stuff you’re worried about or just tell him that you think you should postpone? Have you looked into helping him find a job? Networking is the easiest way to get a job, do your parents know anyone or anything?
If you know that need (to get a better job etc) is there, then you kinda have to go back to cave man days and “help it grow”. Help boost his ego, tell him he’s a great man and you know he can get a great job etc, because if he thinks YOU don’t see that potential in him, then it will be really hard for him to see it too. Especially if he keeps not getting hired for all these jobs he applies for, you know?
Post # 10
And I just can’t relate to the not moving forward because he’s unemployed part, it’s just not oneof my values I guess. Money is money, it will always be there. If you can’t have faith in him after a year, then maybe it is time to re-evaluate. What if there was a different reason he wasn’t working or bringing in income? You’d stay with him then? How is this any different? Especially since you know he’s trying.
Post # 11
@Belle2Be: *sigh* You’re the only one that seems to think I should still marry him. I came up with postponing and my parents agreed I should. His mom agreed I should. He personally is very upset…not mad…he said it’s not fair. He said he is trying. I cried, I really am so torn.(by the way, we talked about it more after I made this post. At first he didn’t say much)
You make very valid points, and as much as I want to postpone I completly agree with you too 🙁
No, we have not sat and made a concrete plan…which is REALLY odd because I just suggested that to my brother to help him and his girl stop bickering over cleaning. Yet it didn’t cross my mind for us, I think I like to belive my fiance and I just don’t fight…LOL!
The thing is we keep the place “company ready”. I’ll do dishes in the morning, straighten up when I can…80% of the time I’m the one doing all the chores (taking trash out, doing dishes, wiping counters, making the bed) without complaint because I like things clean…but I also feel like he should jump up and do what I can’t because I’m at work…and he’s not.
Honestly I am starting to resent him a bit, and it’s hard. I do feel badly for him, but I’m also just so over this situation!!
Thank you SO much for your input, I’m sure I’ll re-read it a few times more.
Post # 12
@Belle2Be: Oh, it would be loads different if he truely couldn’t work. He is a highly intelligent, able bodied, young man. He is capable of dreaming up great things, doing great things…being great.
If he got injured in war, was temporarily or permanatntly disabled I would not leave him. Is that what you’re suggesting or..? I love him. I’m frustrated with him. I’m sure being married to a disabled man comes with it’s own set of challenges but I would not leave him if he was unable to work. I’m frustrated because he is able.
He could work for his father, he could work for my father, he could go back to Radio Shack, he could work part time at a Target, he could lose weight and go active or apply for a full time guard job…he has options. He’s jut not taking them because it’s not what he wants. It’s frustrating.
EDIT: also you said “money is money”…it’s not about the money. He makes money. I make money. We pay our bills and still have a night out here and there. It’s the principle of the thing. I would settle after a year of unemployment…So while I fully understand that it is NOT his fault, I can not shake the frustration. It is a low point, like you said.
Post # 13
Sorry to be the odd man out LOL. I just know the feeling.
One of the big things that stands out to me is you have different personalities. You are a clean person, and your Fiance isn’t. Of course it can be annoying when you come home from work and then have to clean, but if YOU are the one with the need for the house to be Company Ready, is it fair to make him be like that as well? You could always try to protest and NOT clean, but that would probably only hurt you LOL. Unless he is a clean person as well, in which case he would pick up the slack. But if he knows that you are going to come home and clean every day, then why should he?
Realistically he only needs to look for a job (online) for a couple hours a day. Then he can go once a week to the Career place and see what they’ve got. Then maybe 1 or 2 days a week he can drive around and scout out places he wants to work and either drop off his Resume (dressed up professionally) or he can make an appointment to see their hiring person.
It may be a year, but the economy is REALLY rough right now. I think you know this, and I think that there is something much deeper that is the problem (like resentment, and maybe other things).
Post # 14
@UnemployedBlues: I can tell you love him, I really can. And I know it’s not about the money, but you’ve got to figure out what its REALLY about.
So why don’t you two see if you can compromise. Tell your Fiance he needs to pick up a crappy PT job during this holiday rush. When he gets laid off from that, he can take 1 more month to find the job of his dreams, and if not, he has to take one your families offer. Nothing is stopping him from continuing to look for a job WHILE he works another one.
(Also coming from someone whose Fiance just picked up a PT Toys R Us job, he should start next week)
Post # 15
@Belle2Be: as to the lack of chores, I wouldn’t mind if he was working too. But since he’s not out doing the things you mentioned and since he is at home the 12 hours I’m not, it would be GREAT if just once a week he did something to ease my load. That’s one of the sources of resentment. The other is I just can’t understand how he could sit at home and do nothing…ahhhh!!!! Does. Not. Compute. LOL
As to your last portion,
“I think you know this, and I think that there is something much deeper that is the problem (like resentment, and maybe other things).”
I guess I could see why you think that since we have opposite stances on this situation but I am happy to say that is not the case 😉
We get along in every other aspect, the unemployment frustration is overwhelming though! He was promised (words are just words though) a job a few months back, he was supposed to get a job in September. He called and called the woman and never heard back.
Post # 16
Nothing is stopping him from continuing to look for a job WHILE he works another one.
Right. Nothing is stopping him from looking for a job. And there is no reason why his fiancee should have to explain to him how to look for a job & why he should be looking for a job.
He is choosing to remain as he is. It’s very telling that OP’s family wants her to postpone the wedding. Are there reasons other than his lack of employment?
He is making the choice to lay around all day. OP has to choose whether she can be happy with that, since she has no power to make him change.