(Closed) Postponing wedding due to unemployment :(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I agree, it’s not about the money.  It’s about the character of the man. In this economy, an unemployed 28 yo man should make looking for work his full time job.

I think you’re right to consider taking a step back.

He had the discipline to make it in the military, that’s a good sign.  But, for some reason he lacks motivation to look for work–that’s a very bad sign unless you feel ok supporting both of you forever.

I can understand a short term slump if he just got out of the service & needed time to decompress but it sounds like it’s way past time for him to get it together & get off his duff.

Personally, I’d run screamin.  I can deal with underemployed, due to the terrible economy, but not getting off his arse to pound the pavement would drive me away.

He could be depressed, but it’s not your job to diagnose & treat him.  If he’s open to counseling, fine.  But, you can’t make him do that anymore than you can make him motivated to get a job.

Post # 4
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Hi!  I just wanted to mention to you that my Dad is a Viet Nam Veteran, and he suffered PTSD.  It sounds like your bf may possibly be having some other issues, especially since he wasn’t very responsive about you breaking it off.  Can you suggest to him strongly to go see someone?  Honestly, the things you are describing sound like they could be depression or PTSD or something of the like.  Before you throw in the towel, please give it a try.

Good luck

Post # 5
Member
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011 - The Tribute Golf Club

I think you are making the right decision, as tough as it is.  Like you said, it’s not about the money.   I think stepping back on the wedding plans while he finds a job is a smart move.  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011 - Sweet ceremony by the sea and sunset celebration on the North Shore of Hawaii

@UnemployedBlues: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think that your heart and mind wer telling you the right thing, though. You deserve someone who is inspired to be the best version of themself. Marraige, family and homeowning are big responsiblities and having a solid relationship – emotionally and financially – will keep you strong as you take on these new commitments.

I second @luckyprincess‘s advice – it sounds like it would help for your fiance to talk to someone about his current situation. Sometimes, talking it out can give a person new perspective on things.

{{{BIG HUGS}}}

Post # 7
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m going to be really frank (but I’ll try to be kind!).

I think the unemployment thing is a cop out. This is coming from a woman who is marrying an over-a-year unemployed man, with an equally as useless degree (History). I’m going to assume he’s getting unemployment, which sometimes pays to NOT find a job in this economy (he’s making more being unemployed than he would be if he could find a job). It’s also really important that he doesn’t work below his “level”, it can look really bad to an employer depending on the job.

It SUCKS being with an unemployed man sometimes, I’ve been through times where I literally kick Fiance out of the house to go do SOMETHING because he’s driving me crazy. But it is a HUGE ego blow to a man to not be able to support his family, and he’s probably got a LOT of self-doubt right now, which  was undoubtedly encouraged by your lack of faith in him.

Most men aren’t self-inclined to do work around the house. Most women aren’t really, either. What bothers you about him staying up or sleeping in? He can’t read your mind, so why would he know to do your errands etc?

I’m just saying, you can’t expect him to be you. You dealt with unemployment by keeping busy, he’s dealing with unemployment by laying around. If things he does frustrates you, you need to communicate what and why, and then still remember that he is his own person, and has to deal with things (unemployment) his own way. Frankly it’s probably a little insulting that you don’t see yourself marrying him now, but he still brings in more money than you.

Sorry this is long and a bit everywhere, I just feel that if you wanted to marry him, you would. Maybe I think that just because I do and am.

Post # 9
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

@UnemployedBlues: I think it is seriously just a low in your relationship. It really sucks, but you’re not alone in the unemployed Fiance boat. Have you tried sitting together and creating a list of goals for the week? Like he gets dishes Mon Wed Fri, you get them Tue Thu Sat and leftovers on SUn or whatever? Meet with Career Counselor by Wednesday, look for jobs 2 hours a day, surprise you once a week etc?

It is just a crappy time. I don’t think it is worth not marrying your man over (or postponing), I think you’re just panicking a little. Did you tell him all the stuff you’re worried about or just tell him that you think you should postpone? Have you looked into helping him find a job? Networking is the easiest way to get a job, do your parents know anyone or anything?

If you know that need (to get a better job etc) is there, then you kinda have to go back to cave man days and “help it grow”. Help boost his ego, tell him he’s a great man and you know he can get a great job etc, because if he thinks YOU don’t see that potential in him, then it will be really hard for him to see it too. Especially if he keeps not getting hired for all these jobs he applies for, you know?

Post # 10
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

And I just can’t relate to the not moving forward because he’s unemployed part, it’s just not oneof my values I guess. Money is money, it will always be there. If you can’t have faith in him after a year, then maybe it is time to re-evaluate. What if there was a different reason he wasn’t working or bringing in income? You’d stay with him then? How is this any different? Especially since you know he’s trying.

Post # 13
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

Sorry to be the odd man out LOL. I just know the feeling.

One of the big things that stands out to me is you have different personalities. You are a clean person, and your Fiance isn’t. Of course it can be annoying when you come home from work and then have to clean, but if YOU are the one with the need for the house to be Company Ready, is it fair to make him be like that as well? You could always try to protest and NOT clean, but that would probably only hurt you LOL. Unless he is a clean person as well, in which case he would pick up the slack. But if he knows that you are going to come home and clean every day, then why should he?

Realistically he only needs to look for a job (online) for a couple hours a day. Then he can go once a week to the Career place and see what they’ve got. Then maybe 1 or 2 days a week he can drive around and scout out places he wants to work and either drop off his Resume (dressed up professionally) or he can make an appointment to see their hiring person.

It may be a year, but the economy is REALLY rough right now. I think you know this, and I think that there is something much deeper that is the problem (like resentment, and maybe other things).

Post # 14
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

@UnemployedBlues: I can tell you love him, I really can. And I know it’s not about the money, but you’ve got to figure out what its REALLY about.

So why don’t you two see if you can compromise. Tell your Fiance he needs to pick up a crappy PT job during this holiday rush. When he gets laid off from that, he can take 1 more month to find the job of his dreams, and if not, he has to take one  your families offer. Nothing is stopping him from continuing to look for a job WHILE he works another one.

(Also coming from someone whose Fiance just picked up a PT Toys R Us job, he should start next week)

Post # 16
Member
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Nothing is stopping him from continuing to look for a job WHILE he works another one.

 

Right.  Nothing is stopping him from looking for a job.  And there is no reason why his fiancee should have to explain to him how to look for a job & why he should be looking for a job.

He is choosing to remain as he is.  It’s very telling that OP’s family wants her to postpone the wedding.  Are there reasons other than his lack of employment?

He is making the choice to lay around all day.  OP has to choose whether she can be happy with that, since she has no power to make him change. 

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