(Closed) Postponing wedding…..sad,mad,embarassed and confused!!!! Advice please!!!

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

The fact that he didn’t tell you there was a problem is a big red flag. You two are getting married, you really need to be able to discuss things like this. It’s crazy that he allowed you to keep planning the wedding when he didn’t want it and/or couldn’t pay for it. Didn’t he ever set/agree to a budget?

I’d put the wedding on hold and start couples counseling to improve your communication skills as a couple before marriage.

Post # 4
Member
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Totally agree with above. And think of it this way: way better to know now, even two weeks before the wedding, than after you’re already married!

Post # 5
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

There is a lot going on here.

It may sound weird, but if he hasnt paid his taxes in 4 years, but what makes you think he can handle a wedding or marriage. Sounds like he avoids confrontation at ALL costs including calling off a wedding last minute when he knew months ago his fears. And he didnt own up to his decision to call the guests himself…

If his father is already engaged, how long ago were they divorced? Is he addressing this really late (reminiscent of the IRS???) or was it only 6 months ago.

There is A LOT going on, probably more than you think. Its time to start asking questions to him as well as your self. Is this what he really wants? Can he really give you what you need?

Post # 6
Member
2965 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@msfahrenheit:  I agree with this. I would flip a switch on my Fiance if he told me sum mess like that. We have been together over 4 years and have lived together for the same amount of time. I have a 5 year old daughter from a previous marriage that he has helped me raise plus we have 2 children together. We set out a budget, and though he keeps forgetting that number, has not objected to it. Two weeks before the wedding? Really? Girl, I cant even imagine what you are going thru right now. I dont think the vendors will give you your money back. Not even sure if they will postpone it for another date. Im not trying to find that out. If my Fiance pulled a stunt like this two weeks before the wedding, he would have a gun to his back to walk down that aisle, Im sorry.

Post # 7
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

It’s his job to tell his own father that his new girlfriend is not invited to the wedding if that is what his wish for the day is. Offer the father a same sex friend +1.

I don’t know if this helps you to feel better, but your Fiance sounds like a really awful and ineffective communicator. Sweeping problems under the rug rather than talking them through really does make it worse rather than making the problems go away. This whole situation in your post is proof of that.

In truth, two weeks out, in my eyes your vendors are all 100% paid for, your guests are ready (including out of towners), and everything is a go. I would have told him to suck it up and gone through with the wedding.

It is a little bit interesting that he has not paid taxes the whole time you have been together? You never noticed, even though you were living together? Also, you are an accountant (or similar?) and you are not helping to foot the bill for the wedding?

He should not have given you a ring and a proposal if he was not ready to be married. In truth, it sounds like you should not have been so quick to say yes either.

Post # 8
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Honestly… You should be a little relieved… Not paying taxes for 4 years?! You do not want to be tied to that… They will garnish your wages and you have a daughter to take care of! Make him clean that mess up first then talk about marriage… You might have dodged a bullet.

Post # 9
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@happilyeverafter32412:  I am so sorry that happened!  My suggestion is first that you make a decision to either stick it out with him or walk away.  If you decide to stick it out, couple’s counseling may be beneficial.  If warranted, the counselor will recommend individual therapy (sounds like he may need to do that to address some apparently deep seeded issues).  This sounds like a much larger issue than a case of cold feet.  If you need help with deciding on whether to stay or leave, maybe you could talk to a counselor individually first to sort out the issue.  Again, I am so sorry!

Post # 10
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

uggh, sounds like my brother – a good man who loves is wife but geez, would it kill him to do one thing (taxes or paying his bills) on time!  his wife takes care of all of this now because hes not broke, just not stressed about doing it properly

first thing is you need to contact your vendors and see what can be cancelled or delayed without losing too much money

secondly i think you really need to sit down and plan a budget and not just for the wedding but for your lives together. its ok for one person to manage the financials but there cant be secrets if this is whats going to happen. counselling will help you get through all the hurt feelings and disappointment

obviously your Fiance is upset and disappointed, he most probably feels he failed you – for me, i wouldnt wait a month or a year or heck 2yrs plus if it means i can be married so do you want to be married or have a wedding?  if its being married then do something smaller and simple, you can always have a renewal later on when financially things are better

goodluck and hugs – you must be very upset and i hope you two sort this out

Post # 11
Member
7694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m sorry that you have such a mess on your hands.  It sounds like communication problems and (deceit) are huge.  I also agree with Pom227.  I wouldn’t marry him until things got straightened out at the very least.  That’s my opinion, for  what it’s worth. 🙁

 

Post # 12
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

you dodged a bullet 

Post # 14
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yikes…it really sounds like this may be for the best as you guys have lots to work out before you get married, also, your right, his debt will also be your debt if/when you get married, I also think that by holding off your marriage will be healthier for it. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Oh wow, I couldn’t imagine my fiance doing this!  I would be heartbroken!  I’m really sorry you are going through this!

To me it sounds like he avoids alot of things, I would try talking to him and if he avoids that then that’s a serious bright red flag to me!  I hope you the best of luck!

Post # 16
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m speechless. I’m sorry, but between the taxes and dropping this on you less than 3 weeks before your wedding date, I’d be OUT the door. For good. No question.

If he has 8 businesses and can’t even keep track of things enough to file his taxes properly, you need to be very, and I mean very careful – because if you do marry him, he has the potential to ruin you financially.  Filing taxes is pretty much THE most basic component of owning a business – and failing to do so can result in wage garnishment, bankruptcy, and jail time.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this – I’d be mortified and heartbroken, but I’d also see it as a sign that this is just not meant to be.

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