(Closed) Potential awkward talk with FMIL about rehearsal dinner.

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would just talk to your mom and say that it isn’t for her to plan and if she would like to do a brunch the day after that then they could include the rest of your family. 

 

How big is your wedding? My entire wedding is only going to be 75 people

Post # 3
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I may be biased, because my WEDDING was only 70 people, but I think if your FMIL’s budget for money and effort means a smaller rehearsal dinner she should be able to do that…

Post # 4
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

i read up a lot on who was supposed to be at the Rehearsal Dinner and the best response i got was, ‘whomever the bride and groom wants there”  So if you want extended family there, Future Mother-In-Law has the money and she seems sweet, then I’d just come out and tell her.  We had about 60 people at ours and it was a nice size.  And the good thing about spending the Rehearsal Dinner with family is you’ve kinda covered them off for the next day so you can see your other guests at the wedding.  I don’t think it’ll be that awkward.  Good luck!!

Post # 5
Member
46326 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If the groom’s parents are hosting the rehearsal dinner, they get to decide who is invited.

The rehearsal dinner  traditionally involved only those actively involved in the wedding , their spouses and the two immediate families.

All of the other people will have hours together the next day at the wedding.

I think it would be rude to suggest that your Future Mother-In-Law take direction from your mother re who needs to be invited to the Rehearsal Dinner.

 

Post # 6
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Don’t get invovled. Ask your Mom to call Future Mother-In-Law and they can figure it out 🙂 Then you don’t have to be the bad guy and more than likely Future Mother-In-Law won’t say no to you Mom

Post # 7
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee

@sweetpea87: With all due respect to your mother, she is mistaken on this.

The rehearsal dinner is a refreshment provided for everyone who had to be present for the rehearsal, plus of course their spouses or fiances. Traditionally the mother of the groom has the right to host that meal, as a kind of counterpoint (and consolation prize) to the starring role tradition gives the mother of the bride as hostess of the reception.

In many cases, the mother of the groom will choose to hold a large and fashionable rehearsal dinner, to demonstrate to society that she is just as competent and gracious a hostess as is her opposite number. She may choose to include out-of-town guests and extended family. But, as with any social event, the hostess gets to set the guestlist, the scale of the entertainment, and the style and formality that will prevail — and it is your future mother-in-law who is the hostess.

Now, your mom does have a point. It is very nice to have a big get-together of the joint families — traditionally, of course, that is what the wedding reception was all about!   Nowadays, the reception is often so formalized and so much emphasis is place on the wedding’s being “all about the bride and groom” that the family mingling doesn’t always take place. And since brides now are often their own hostesses, the mother of the bride does get rather left out of organizing things, and she doesn’t even get the consolation prize that the groom’s mother gets.

Her solution however is not to try to tell another hostess what to do at that other hostess’s party. It is to offer additional hospitality of her own. She can host a big brunch on the day after the wedding where the family can mingle; or she can have the out-of-town people over to lunch before the rehearsal, or she can host a dinner or salon or garden-party for the in-town family any time during the pre-wedding period.

Post # 8
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@sweetpea87: My mother told me the rehearsal dinner is when both sides of the family get together

Umm…isn’t that what the WEDDING is for? The rehersal dinner is the responsibility of the groom’s family, and their invite list sounds completely normal and appropriate to me. I’ve always been under the impression that the rehersal dinner was only for those who needed to participate in the rehersal and their dates, and sometimes close family like siblings or grandparents that have travelled to attend.

I think you need to just tell your mother that the rehearsal dinner certainly doesn’t need to be that large, that most are not (which is true), and you think it would be quite ungrateful of you to tell your Future Mother-In-Law to change it when she’s been so nice and is excited about hosting it. Imagine how upset you’d be if your parents were paying for the wedding, thought it was all going very nicely, and Future Mother-In-Law said it was too small and wanted to nearly triple the guest list – you’d be annoyed, and your mother would too. Same thing.

Post # 9
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mwitter80: That sounds like a terrible idea, what a bad position she would be putting her Future Mother-In-Law in! Seriously, think about how awkward that phone call would be, it would be a horrible way for the two families to start off as they’re just getting to really know eachother.

Post # 10
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think that it is her party to plan, so you should let her plan it and not stress out about it.

My Future Mother-In-Law told us she wasn’t going to pay for our rehearsal dinner. I suggested that we could just do something small, like pizza, that way everyone could just get together and it wouldn’t be very expensive. She told me she hated that idea, but that we could pay for that all our own. 

Post # 11
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@Wonderstruck: Really? If two grown women want something to happen a certain way they should use a middle man? I don’t think it’s terrible at all. To each their own.

Post # 12
Member
46326 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mwitter80: One grown woman, namely the FMIl is the hostess. She gets to decide who is invited. It would be rude for the bride`s Mom to interfere.

Post # 14
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mwitter80: Problem is, they both want it to happen in different ways – and one is the hostess, the other is not. So yes, I do think it would be very wrong/rude for the MOB to call the bride’s Future Mother-In-Law and basically tell her that the party she is throwing isn’t good enough and that she needs to invite more people. There shouldn’t need to be a middle man because the daughter should just say no.

Post # 15
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It really is suppose to be for members of the wedding party and their plus ones. The rest of the family will get to know each other at the reception, which is only a day later. When it’s your FMILs dime, she calls the shots on this one, not your mom.

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