(Closed) Potentially asking BM to step down – need advice!

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My advice is to set aside the step of asking her to step down as a last last resort, but pursue the issue. You’re clearly not satisfied with her email response, so fish further! Don’t let her off the hook with only a few passive-aggressive remarks and vague platitudes! Here’s how I might respond to her:

“Dear A, Thank you for your reply, but I don’t feel I have sufficient closure about the situation to move on at this moment, as you suggest. I feel like I need to understand your motivations more before that can happen. I also am not sure what you mean when you say I am depending on you to make me happy, and that I want you to feel bad. I promise you neither of these things are true, so can you explain why you feel they are? In order to feel good about enjoying my big day together with you as my bridesmaid, I really feel we need to resolve and bring closure to these issues that have come between us recently, so I feel I would like to discuss this a little further.”

See what she says to that. I know there are a lot of “feels” in there, but it seems like there are a lot of feels in the whole situation.

Post # 3
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

You have more reasons to keep her in than to kick her out (bridesmaid B, your mom, her ordered dress, her outward excellence as bridesmaid, the potential for this to improve over the next 4 months). Your wedding is far enough away that this could all blow over by then. I’d send back a nice message and move on. If she is rude to you again, ask her politely and directly to stop right when it happens. 

Post # 4
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Listen to your mother.  Brides get really emotional planning their weddings- little things you would normally ignore or bigger things that would normally just piss you off- suddenly become HUGE deals.  A few months after your wedding, it won’t even seem important anymore.  I had a wedding meltdown where I was crying and shouting- looking back, it seems incredibly silly and I’m very embarrassed. 

I didn’t read all the replies from your last post, but there doesn’t seem like any intent to do you harm.  Thoughtlessness, selfishness maybe, but no real malice.  Friendships often fade out, especially after life events like marriage/kids, but it’s not out of spite.  If you kick her out of your bridal party, you are officially ending your friendship with her.  Wait until you are less stressed and thinking clearly before throwing a 7 year friendship away.         

Post # 5
2473 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I think there are more repercussions if you kick her out.  I would imagine that she wouldn’t attend as a guest at all, and neither would her family.  It sounds like, from your other post, that Friend B would back out if you kicked Friend A out.  I think it creates a lot more drama than keeping her in at this point.

If it were me, I’d probably just ignore her for the most part.  She can be in the party if she wants (she clearly wants to) since at this point everything is paid for, but I wouldn’t go out of my way for her any more.  If she makes a rude comment, point it out, especially if it’s front of a group.  Make her feel uncomfortable for it.  If she makes more of an effort to be a friend, you can start treating her like a friend again.

Post # 7
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

It’s not worth the drama. Your wedding is 4 months away, just let it go and chalk it up to a lesson learned. Do you REALLY want to start family and guest drama over her? 

Post # 8
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree with everyone else. It will be way more headache to ask her to step down. Honestly, I think most of your frustration is pain over not being as close with her anymore and feeling excluded from their friendship. I would try to get over the fact that Friend B is her new BFF and move on. You can still be friends, just likely not super close. Obviously, it can be super painful to be excluded. But, at this point, do you really even want to be included in their outings and jokes? Let them do whatever they want together and if they’re laughing about private jokes, just roll your eyes and move on. They’re only like the popular clique if you let them be. Don’t let it stress you out. She wants to move on. I think that sounds like a good plan. If you are waiting for an apologize, I think you’ll wait a long time. You even said that she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong, so she doesn’t think there’s anything that she needs to apologize for. And, it’s not like there are big, obvious things she did wrong. It’s just the accumulation of lots and lots of slights, which is much harder to pin down and deal with.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. I can understand how frustrating that must be while you’re planning you wedding. But I think it would be easier, for you, to just try to get over it and move on. Kicking her out would just create more drama.

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