Post # 1
I hope it’s okay I’m posting here as a Maid/Matron of Honor and not as a bride..
So my best friend is getting married and I’m her maid of honor. I took on the role of helping to plan the shower and coordinate the bachelorette party. Before you get all worked up about the bride using me as free labor, I offered because I LOVE planning and organizing.
anyway, there’s another bridesmaid who I think assumed she was going to be the maid of honor, but recently found out she’s not. We have a group chat to help coordinate the bachelorette party and shower to get dates, times, and location finalized. A few weeks ago one of the bridesmaids sent a message to the group chat that said “Hey, when do you think Bride will tell us who the maid of honor is?” I felt like it was a weird question but then I realized that she probably didn’t know it was me, thought she was going to be it and was just waiting to be asked. I just responded with “I was asked to be maid of honor, that’s why I’ve been coordinating everything and making sure we’re all of the same page” she just sent back “oh” and the group chat was dead for a few days.
After this, I started to notice a decline in her participation. Not that I expected her to do any work or anything, but just her communication I guess. Before this she would always offer opinions or suggestions and I’d say her suggestions almost bordered on “Look at how well I know the bride compared to all of you!” That stopped completely. She stopped responding to the group chat, was very quiet during for shower and bachelorette party. She barely talked to anyone and when she did, she usually made a sarcastic comment or a backhanded insult. We were all picking up in it. The bride noticed it too because after all of these events, the bride said to me “I hope Bridesmaid enjoyed herself. She seemed a little removed.” Then recently the bride came to me with an issue. She said this bridesmaid informed her that she still has not ordered her bridesmaid dress, and the wedding is 3 and a half weeks away. She hasn’t even gone to try one on!
I’ve kept the bride out of the loop with this because I don’t want to stress her out or look like I’m trying to sabotage their friendship, but I can tell my friend is even starting to notice that this is going on. I’m trying to think of all the other reasons that this change in attitude could have happened, but it just seems really convenient that it happened immediately after she found out she’s not the MoH. Should I just let this run it’s course? I don’t want to interfere with the friendship, but I also feel bad that I’m unintentionally causing this to happen. I’m worried that this bridesmaid might be so resentful that she might do something at the wedding, or worse not even show up. I’m trying to figure out the best way to handle this. Obviously I have no obligation to be involved with this Bridesmaid and their friendship is none of my business, but while we’re participating in the same event for a person that we both love, I’m hoping everything will go as smoothly as possible. I don’t think I should do anything about this, but I also feel bad that there’a Clearly someone involved who is not enjoying herself. I don’t feel like it’s my place to necessarily fix this, but I’ve never been a MoH before. I’ve never even been in a wedding. I’m sorry if this is so scattered and I come off as ignorant.
Post # 2
This sounds like a big blow up waiting to happen and I would personally steer clear.
Were you friends with this other bridesmaid before this or did you meet by being in the bridal party?
Post # 3
nope. I’m a college friend and they met their freshman year of high school. This has been our first time ever really interacting.
Post # 4
I think this is between bride and bridesmaid. Sounds like her feelings are hurt with bride not choosing her and perhaps she’s coming to terms with the fact that she considers bride a closer friend than bride considers her.
I wouldn’t say it’s jealousy or that it’s personal towards you, but she’s probably just feeling hurt and acting out. Never the less, I think she and bride need to talk things over and you should just stay out of it as much as possible.
Post # 5
At this point, the last thing you want is for the bride to be stressed out in the weeks before her wedding. You also don’t want this to turn into a situation where the apparently-resentful bridesmaid doesn’t order a dress/doesn’t show.
It’s entirely up to you how far you take your role. However, as the Maid/Matron of Honor, I would try to make something happen with the bridesmaid getting her dress ordered, at the very least. You may not have necessarily signed up for this drama, but the bride chose you as her right hand woman. You don’t have to repair their friendship, of course, but a little bridesmaid-herding may not go amiss.
Post # 6
I get wanting to protect your friend but I am afraid if you say anything this could all get really messy. The bride has noticed that her friend is acting weird maybe they have already spoken or are planning to. I would leave it alone unless this person does or says something drastic like “I might not show up to the wedding.” or something along those lines.
Post # 7
yeah, I was planning on letting them talk about it if they ever wanted to. Like I said, I don’t want to tell the bride what’s been going on behind closed doors, but she’s starting to notice. Their friendship is none of my business and I’m trying to do the best thing for my best friend here.
Post # 8
100% stay out of it. This isn’t your issue – it’s between the bm and the bride. Anything you do to intervene will probably only trigger the bm’s insecurities more. She’s clearly hurt that the bride seems to feel closer to you, so there’s really no way you can get involved here in a way that won’t seem to the bm like you’re rubbing your closeness with the bride in her face (even if that is far from your intention).
Post # 9
I’m confused as to how the bridesmaid didn’t know she wasn’t the maid of honor, I assume that the bride asked her to be a bridesmaid??
And I agree with other bees, I would try to stay out of it as much as you can.
Post # 10
I could not tell you why that was her thinking. And my intention was to stay out of it. I just didn’t know if that was the best thing to don):
Post # 11
Personally, if I was this bride I’d want to know your observations about this bridesmaid so I could try to fix the relationship (not by telling the bridesmaid why she’s not Maid/Matron of Honor or that I think shes jealous but by spending more time with her or something so she knows we’re still close) with this bridesmaid before it’s too late and there’s a HUGE blow out. And I feel like the bride might be upset if this friendship ends and finds out you knew that it might come to that by this bridesmaids behavior
Post # 12
The bride has already noticed that there are issues with the bridesmaid, so you have zero reason to step in here. She can start up a conversation with her friend asking whether there’s a problem.
The dress issue is actually pretty straightforward: the bridesmaid can get her dress, or not. It’s entirely her own problem. If she doesn’t get the dress, she’s not a bridesmaid, but there’s nothing the bride has to do about it. And there’s nothing you have to do about it at this point. If the bridesmaid bails at the last minute, that’s probably a friendship-ending move on her part, but it’s still not your problem.
(I had a similar dress issue with a bridesmaid: at the two-week point, she joked that she’d end up buying her dress the day before (they could choose any dress at all in the given colour), and it was stressful and annoying, but she ended up getting it done and looked great.)
Post # 13
Yikes! That is some drama…
It is clear that their friendship is on the rocks right now. Whether that is personal stuff going on in her life, other things in their relationship or she could be just hurt about not being Maid/Matron of Honor.
I would def. stay out of it since you don’t know what other factors could be affecting her attitude right now. I would ask the bride if she wants you to follow up on the dress situation (as i think that is Maid/Matron of Honor duty), however if she is bitter of not being Maid/Matron of Honor, it may cause even more anger. Perhaps another bridesmaid could check in on the dress situation? Is there realistically even enough time to get the dres?
But other than that, i think the Bridesmaid and Bride need to have a conversation or there will def. be some bad vibes on the day.
Post # 14
I agree with the bees, I’d stay out of it. I think besides being upset that she wasn’t chosen as Maid/Matron of Honor, she was probably embarrassed that she asked that and then you had already been picked. Plus she was probably upset that the bride didn’t tell her she had chosen a Maid/Matron of Honor. But even without all that, the high school friend vs the college or new friends is so common it’s almost cliche. Meaning the older friend generally feels sad/slighted that the bride has all these newer friends that she got closer with since then and so tries extra hard to let everyone know how long/close their relationship is/was.