(Closed) Practicing Catholic Bees: Your experiences with living purity with SO?

posted 6 years ago in Catholic
Post # 4
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@kmaemu:  I’m a catholic but we do not practice purity.  sorry I dont have any advice on this but I figured I’d give you a bump!

Post # 5
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Hi! I know it can be tough sometimes. For me one thing I’ve heard has been really important: we humans are not good at resisting temptation if it’s right in front of us, but we’re much better at not putting ourselves in situations of temptation. If you’re trying to not eat cake you’re not going to go down to the fridge at night and sniff it. The way this applies to chastity for us is that we’ve set up rules to not put ourselves in situations where we could be unchaste. e.g. no being alone in a closed room together. The other thing that helped me a lot if I was tempted is that I thought about how much I love him, and that means I wouldn’t want to put his soul in jeopardy for some bodily pleasure. Whenever we were visibly tempted he also sometimes suggeste praying a Hail Mary, which also helped. Now we’re 3 weeks from our wedding, and it’s been definitely worth it so far. We got to discern marriage to each other without the confusing hormonal mess. I just wish we stuck to our rules even more strictly, and that we didn’t sleep together (not doing anything, just sleeping fully clothed on the floor/some covers beside each other. it was still way too much to handle)

Post # 6
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@kmaemu:  Before we got married, we didn’t live together so I guess it was a little easier.

We were on the same page about being chaste, trying to be good Catholics and letting God lead us as we prepared to marry. We kissed on the lips but nothin crazy. We chose to just cuddle and talk.. our intimate talks were not sexual, it was about hopes and dreams and wishes for our future. And all the wedding and moving plans kept us busy as time went on.

Post # 7
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@kmaemu:  my Fiance is catholic and I’m Christian orthodox but converting. We didnt have sex right away, but eventually did , but a few months before the wedding we decided we would stop anything but kissing so tthat the wedding night is special, it’s been annoying at times but we’re both really excited about the wedding night so totally worth it!

Post # 8
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

It’s SOOO difficult. I don’t know. We struggle. We’ve been together for over 6 years, and we’re not getting married until 2015. D:

Just keep trying. Don’t get too down on yourself and stay involved with your faith. Pray for assistance and try not to get into tempting situations. Ha. It’s hard to deal with.

Post # 9
Member
4656 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@GFPchicken:  How do you end up never being in closed rooms alone? I mean… don’t you ever want to have private discussions or anything? 

Also to OP I also don’t get how anyone can just “get lucky” in staying chaste? Haha… isn’t that like something you work at? 

We’re neither religious nor chaste but if I were, and the guy was on the same page, I’d probably just not take clothes off. I’m sure we’d make out, but I would just set a rule at no clothing removal — It’s a really easy and clear place to draw the line and make sure nothing happens. As in, we do not undress anything beyond like… winter outerwear in each others’ presence. If we were living together, sleeping in one bed, I’d keep a rule of changing in another room (kinda adorable actually) and wearing top and bottom pajamas to bed. (I’d probably avoid PJs that might accidentally get pulled aside or reveal something in my sleep.)

Post # 10
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

When we started dating, neither of us was in a good place with our faith and so we started sleeping together. However, recently it has become more important for both of us so we decided to stop until the wedding. We didn’t want to give up some of the things that made us feel connected to one another, but just sexual things. So we still sleep in the same bed sometimes, or shower together, just not in a sexual way. Obviously that wouldn’t be possible for everyone, but neither of us feel particularly tempted by doing it and it is something we really love, so we kept doing those things.

We found the best way to deal with temptations are just to talk to one another about it. If we’re having a hard day with it, just be straight up and tell the other person “chastity and I are butting heads today.” Also saying prayers together in bed before we go to sleep is a good way to set the tone. It’s kind of an odd case, but it’s our case and it works for us.

Post # 11
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m in this situation. We pretty much put it down right from day one that we weren’t going to do anything of the sort. I never had a boyfriend before Fiance so I was petrified of just walking arm and arm with him lol. We’ve gotten to make out sessions but it’s an ocassional thing with nothing hot and heavy. We’re both devout and maybe that makes a difference? I don’t know, I never get the urge to want to go “all the way.” My sister has called me A-sexual. The Fiance doesn’t let me touch him at all if he’s feeling particularly sparky lol. We don’t live together either so that probably helps to. We could of but we both said that we live by our faith and weren’t going to go against it. Hope this helps! PM me if you want to chat!

Post # 12
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

My husband and I did find dealing with the sexual tension difficult especially as we neared our wedding day.  The tension was so sensitive and so easily arousable that it seemed the further we pushed ourselves from temptation, the greater the tension got.  We got creative in how we tried to express our love.  One time, he decided to express his love vocally by telling me in numerous words how much he loved me, how attractive he found me, etc.  It wasn’t even dirty talk.  It was arousing me to the point where it felt dirty and pleasurable and felt if he didn’t stop I’d just throw myself at him.  Sometimes we’d sit on opposite sides of the room, and it was like I was tracking him like a cougar hunting its prey.  My eyes just kept following him as I resisted the urge to be near him. 

All that sexual tension disappeared the day we got married.  And then at our wedding night, consummating our marriage was impossible for me.  I mean, I had never been physically able to use tampons or submit to a vaginal exam, but my doctors and the married women I talked to insisted it was all in my head.  There was nothing physically wrong, and sex wouldn’t be anything like going to a doctor’s office.  The hormones would guide me and override my anxiety.  That didn’t happen though. 

I was diagnosed with vaginismus maybe a week or two after we married.  Certainly there was a mental connection to my physical inability.  Nothing was physically wrong.  It was more like a form of anxiety attack that shut my muscles up and made attempts painful.  The pain affirmed my fears and it created a cycle.  It was teaching my body to tense even more.  The more I tried to force it, the worse the involuntary muscle response got.  The muscles were becoming conditioned to act that way. 

In the meantime, it killed all sexual desire and tension in me.  I had nothing positive to look forward to.  Being near my husband knowing sex was on the table made me dwell on having to go through that again.  I could think of nothing else and as I’d notice my body fail to respond to his touch or kisses, I’d panic more.  “My body’s not working.  Its going to be horrible.  Its going to be worse.”

Learning to engage in sex (and enjoy it), was a journey of my own self mastery.  In a way, it was a part of chastity.  I had to learn how I functioned and how to make it function well.  The self control goes both ways.  If we’re abstaining, I know myself enough to know how to manage my sexual feelings.  Then there are times in marriage where you may not particularly be interested in sex, but between your spouse’s desire, NFP, your work schedules and when your children aren’t demanding your attention, you have to take what chances you have.  And that self mastery helps you to build up those moments so that you are in fact able to enjoy that union with your spouse. 

As such, I’d say being chaste is like having a sail up in the wind.  If you are trying to avoid going letting the wind carry you away, than you have to master that sail.  You have to pay attention to the wind and learn which way to turn it at the right moments.  The Catechism affirms that cultivating this self mastery is a lifelong task.

I personally think lack of self knowledge based upon inexperience lessons culpability for sexual sins.  To commit a mortal sin, you have to have full consent of the will.  There is a difference between saying “Hey screw what God says, I want this” and the struggle and mistakes that occur as you strive to be chaste. 

Go to confession frequently for the grace to help you grow in self mastery.  Save as much as you can for your wedding night, but don’t be too hard on yourself for your mistakes.

And By The Way, I do not regret saving myself for my husband.  It was hard on both of us.  He definitely felt very rejected and unwanted and undesirable at times, but this is a struggle we got through together.  I can’t imagine sharing this struggle with anyone other than my husband and it makes us appreciate the value of the intimacy we now share together. 

Post # 13
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

We were the same as @JKL2013 from the start the physical side of our relationship was strictly non-sexual. Nothing further than a kiss & cuddle and we were both careful to keep it that way.

@twoangles I don’t think it was quite the same medically or psychologically and it didntt last thankfully but I and we also had a very difficult time at first and it was quite a shock after having been chaste together to go full on into the intimate side. Nice to know I was not the only one.

Post # 14
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Neither my Fiance nor I are Catholic, but we are both virgins (actual, not just technical like a lot of people seem to be) and we do practice purity. It has always been difficult, and has been getting much more so since our engagement, but my philosophy has been that if I’ve waited this long, a little longer won’t kill me. 

 

As for how we practice it, first, we talked about it upfront from the very start. I was raised in a pretty uptight environment and even though I had moved out and gone to college by the time he and I met, I was still skittish of him putting his arm around my shoulders during our second week dating and I told him to slow down! We didn’t kiss at all for months (he was my first kiss),  and honestly, both my slowness to warm up to physical contact and his complete respect for my wishes have done nothing but help to boost the resolve we have to follow our faith. We’ve been together for 2.5 years without a slip up and without supervision– we are adults and we definitely police ourselves. Being honest really helps. Saying “I need to take a break” when kissing may be a mood killer, but it’s way better than saying “We should have taken a break” later. We both look away if we watch a movie with sex scenes. We like cuddling and being alone together, but we won’t stay the night even if there are ‘chaperones’ to corroborate our no-sex claims (like on camping trips).

 

We have started talking about sex since the engagement, mostly because we’re both scared of it. Excited and thinking that it’s about darn time, but still scared. And we both are nervous that after years of stopping and holding back when we start getting aroused we won’t be able to actually bring ourselves to go further! But we both think that talking about it now will help us be more open and receptive to the idea and make it a little less ‘holy crap, what now?!?’ and more ‘finally!!!’ 

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