(Closed) Fighting. Or Lack Thereof.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

That wasn’t covered at all in ours, nor was touching… Most sessions are supposed to be about a topic and then should allow you to discuss further privately between you two. If there is something about the hosting couple that was uncomfortable, I’d report it to the Marriage Office in your diocese. I’ve done so before after seeing postings on other sites (not WB) about classes that taught about anti-catholic AND anti-Christian principles.  They were grateful to know what was going on in the class.

That being said, I think they’re mainly referring to the couples where one submits and never voices their opinion and it’s a one sided street, or if the couple doesn’t dialogue at all with each other. If you disagree with something and can work it out in a calm manner consider yourself blessed. 

Post # 4
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

We didn’t fight for about two years straight. We were still in that “crazy in love, the other person can do no wrong” stage. We’d get in little tiffs, rooted in serious issues and non, but didn’t fight besides that. 

It wasn’t until we had really serious life changes come up that we start to fight (talking about where to move, apply to schools, some personal issues, etc) and I think we learned a lot through that. We don’t fight seriously often – I can’t think of the last real fight we had, but it’s been a few months. But it is important to fight sometimes – you just have to wait for something important enough to fight over. It’ll come, and you’ll work through it, and you’ll make your relationship stronger. It just takes longer for some people, and by no means does that mean you have less of a relationship. 

Post # 5
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t think your nuts.  It sounds like you’re both communicating effectively which is what people are constantly striving for.  That being said, I’m not sure that its realistic to think you’ll never argue.  Not that you feel that way, I’m just speaking in general.  I recall a woman I used to work with, she’d been married to her husband for 10 years, together for 17 and she claimed they’d never ever argued or had any disagreements.  That to me is nuts, it makes me think that one of them isn’t expressing themselves.  It doesn’t seem possible to me that any two humans can spend that much time together, go through all that life throws at you and never even disagree. 

Post # 6
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I think that is only true if in fact you don’t have open communication (which is probably often the case when people don’t fight).  I don’t think fighting is necessary to have open communication, it is just often closely related!  If you guys share everything you are feeling and don’t fight that is GREAT! celebrate it! 

Post # 8
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Fiance and I have been together over two years and are past that “crazy in love” stage and our relationship sounds to be just like yours.

We definitely have our “tiffs” here and there but like you said, it’s usually resolved within 20 minutes-we definitely have never gone to bed mad.

So no, I don’t believe there’s anything at all wrong with your relationship, you are very blessed to have good communication and similar qualities!

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think that’s a little strange…not everybody fights in that manner. I know we disagree but we don’t scream/belittle/hit/throw fits/etc

When i think of fighting, I think of a disagreement that has gotten out of hand. Somebody ends up storming out, slamming doors, throwing something, screaming, yelling, saying things you regret, etc.

I agree with KLP that they’re probably referring to the relationships where one person is SO submissive that there are never any disagreements because they just go along with everything.

You could argue that a disagreement IS a fight on some level though. A very calm level.

I’ve brought up money a couple times with my husband the last 2 days (there’s a very long post about it floating around) and he said like, two things that were inflammatory. Now, I easily could’ve gotten all pissed off at what he said and it EASILY could’ve accelerated into a nasty fight. What he said wasn’t cool and it just didn’t sit right with me. BUT, instead of flipping out, I said was, “wow that was inensitive of you to say” and he said, “yeah you’re right. I mean this….”. But as soon as the words came out of his mouth I got a little riled up. I could have snapped at him, but I know it does no good so I phrased something calmly. IMO, we’re having a disagreement not a fight. To me, a fight implies something out of hand. 

Post # 10
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh, yeah, I totally agree it was out of line for them to say that. Sorry, I meant to put that in! ๐Ÿ˜›

Post # 12
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Honestly, it sounds like you and your Fi didn’t really benefit from that part of your Pre-Cana because your relationship is already a little beyond the scope of the class.  You already know the rules to “healthy” or “fair” fighting and how to resolve your disagreements quickly and efficiently.  If you feel that your communication style is working, that’s really the important part.  Like KLP said, Pre-Cana classes are meant to give you topics and discussion points to talk about with your partner; you already have this part worked out, so their comments don’t necessarily apply to you (even though it might’ve come off as personally offensive).  Maybe the other couples in your class just felt a little defensive since you two are obviously beyond their skill level in this topic.  ๐Ÿ™‚

I know there were parts of our Pre-Cana that I just thought, “Eh, this isn’t an issue for us.”  We did our classes with one other couple, and a porton of our classes was directed at the two of them resolving some differences over faith (the woman was Catholic, the man was not).  My husband and I are both Catholic, so those specific topics didn’t apply to us.  We discussed our feelings and understandings of Catholicism when I converted two years ago; we didn’t need to have those talks again. 

Post # 13
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@EJS- good for you for not letting it escalate, and giving him a chance to better articulate his feelings. That’s really impressive, and something I could stand to work on!

Post # 15
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

That is a bizarre thing to make you feel like you “should” be fighting.

Different couples handle things differntly, and I don’t think it is healthy or fair to compare different relationships to one another. That being said, the Fiance and I have never had a big blow up fight. Never slept in seperate beds in the same house, never not spoken to eachother. And after more than 3 years and dealing with some pretty heavy emotional stuff (he has cancer), I can’t see up starting that up anytome soon.

It always confuses me when people say they are “blindsided” by big problems in the relationship / divorce. I guess we just communicate openly about everything so there isn’t a chance for anything to fester.Communication and honesty are definitely the key.

 

Post # 16
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

@littlebug, benefit of the dobut =]. Men are bad at expressing feelings. He often says things but means another! Then again, women do that, too….hahaha. “i said THIS but i mean THIS”. Oye.

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