Post # 1
Hello fellow bees/ladies in waiting!
A little background for you: I have been with SO for two years this coming Thursday. It has been a wonderful and virtually flawless two years. We currently live together, we’ve talked about the basic “deep issues” that most couples discuss before getting engaged (future talk: kids, marriage, finances, etc. etc.). It was established 6-12 months ago that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. He is a big romantic, always has been from the moment we met. He is 10 years older than me. He was a definite bachelor when we met, not partying or out with the boys bachelor, just a guy that had been worrying about him and only him for a long time. I really don’t think he ever thought that he would find someone. He hadn’t been in a serious relationship since his early twenties (obviously he dated, but never anything serious) and got serious with me very quickly. HOWEVER, it seems to me like he just isn’t pulling the trigger. I completely understand that two years is NOT that big of a deal and a lot of people wait a lot longer…but, I was under the impression that we were both ready for this. He has asked my ring size (he bought me a beautiful ring for my birthday, white gold, diamond in the center with my birthstone, peridot on one side and his, emerald on the other). He has been through my jewelry box, he has talked about getting married somewhere tropical, he has even said he would like to get married November 20th, 2013 (he set a freakin tentative date!) AND he took me to his aunts jewelry store to try on engagement rings… She seemed VERY surprised when we showed up, which was weird. ANYWAY, when I bring up a timeline (i.e.: when would you like to be married by or something like that) he FLIPS OUT and gets weirdly defensive like i am asking him to build me a damn rocket!! Either that or he completely shuts down. I know what you’re thinking, i get that those are usually signs of a proposal, the secretive or anxiety ridden behaviors…BUT I know him, and it’s just not that. Our finances are shared and I know no large purchases have been made. No large charges, no large withdrawals from savings, etc. He tells me that I need to stop talking about getting engaged and acts like I am pressuring him when I swear to you, I bring it up MAYBE every 2 months…and never in a “shit or get off the pot” kind of way. He has been acting like he isn’t ready, even though he has said thousands of times that he is. I am confused and upset. I am getting to the point where I feel frickin crazy because it is ALL I think about. All my friends are engaged, married or married with kids. I’m surrounded by it! I am seriously going nuts in my own head, borderline obsessed. I just wish he would talk to me! I never even get a reason such as: “i need to save more” or “i’d like to be more successful” or whatever. I just get avoidance, annoyance or downright attitude!! What the HELL!? How do I just take a chill pill and let things happen? I am driving myself nuts. Please PLEASE tell me other people have felt this way!!!
Many thanks my bees!
Post # 3
Am totally in the same situation as you! Except you sound calmer about things, and except you both have established that you’ll spend the rest of your lives together. You can read my other posts and know that you’re not alone. I can’t suggest anything particularly helpful, sadly, because I’m in a similar situation and don’t know what to do either, except just up and leave because I am So Tired Of Waiting, and because I alternate between being crazy obsessive, resentful, and calm. Sigh.
Post # 4
He sounds like he gets to a point where he feels like he’s ready, but then gets scared and backs off. It might be that you need to give him a little more time, but it’s evident that he is thinking of marriage. It might take waiting for him to bring it up again if he keeps shutting you down when you bring it up, or you might have to find a new approach for talking about marriage.
Post # 5
I wish I could peek inside his mind and tell you whats going on. He’s giving you some major mixed signals. I mean taking you to try on engagement rings then freaking out when YOU bring a timeline up is putting you on emotional roller coaster. That’s not fair to you. The only thing I can say is to not bring it up and when he does tell him he should choose which way it is. “I’m ready for marriage or I’m not”
Post # 6
I am in the same situation! I have no words of wisdom other than you are not alone. That doesn’t make things better but it’s good know you’re not the only lonely resentful obsessed woman waiting on marriage. My guy doesn’t get anger when I mention a timeline, he is actually the opposite. He smiles and shrugs it off like its just around the corner and I shouldn’t ruin the surprise…..he has done that for two years now. Just as frustrated as you honey! Hang in there I guess. My guy and I have only been together 2 years as well so leaving is a little premature. I have decided to only discuss marriage with the wedding bee ladies and find new hobbies to keep my mind off of marriage. I am actually on here today because I just woke up and all of a sudden felt very lonely and resentful. Good luck! Sending hugs your way!
Post # 7
Thank you so much Bees! It really is nice to know that I am not the only one freaking out! I know the post probably doesn’t come across like I’m freaking, but I am!! I am so glad this site exists and i’m glad I decided to join!! I love you all already!! Thanks for the support!
Post # 8
Mr Bee’s plan maybe??? Also the next time it comes up you may wanna have a mental list of all the things he’s done to make it seem like he was ready (ring shopping, tentative date) so he can understand that you are CONFUSED not disappointed and that you thought you were following his lead bc he brought this stuff up, not pushing him
Post # 9
Maybe you could start a covnerstaion and focus on the mixed-signals and his feelings, instead of just bringing up the timeline? Say something like “I’ve noticed lately that when I bring up our future and marriage you seem a bit taken aback. This has been confusing to me because in the past we’ve discussed this, like trying on rings and you talking about wedding plans. Is there something in particular concerning you about wedding talk now?”
Try to keep the conversation very low pressure; make it clear that you’re not pushing to set a date right now, you just want to know how he’s feeling. Maybe you can get at the root of why he’s suddenly flipping out. Perhaps something happened, like he heard about a friends bad marriage or something at work has him worried about his financial future. It could be that he is having trouble with commitment, or maybe something totally unrelated.