(Closed) Pre-Engagement Hell

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
10631 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Your relationship has a lot of serious problems and I don’t think at this time getting engaged would be a good thing for either of you. I would seriously re-evaluate your relationship at this point as it seems you aren’t compatitble from what I see here.

If you wanted to work things out I think a few things need to happen. You need to go back to work (which you were already planning), he needs to make progress in quitting smoking/drinking and you need to see a couples therapist so that you can learn how to effectivly communicate and fight fair, which you currently aren’t doing.

I also think you need to be honest with yourself about kids as I got the vibe you are 90% sure you do not want children and if it wasn’t for him trying to force it you probably would choose to never have kids. Thats perfectly okay! I wouldn’t have children you aren’t 100% whole heartedly on board with just to stay with this guy. 

Post # 3
1008 posts
Bumble bee

So I read your entire post, and honestly bee, this doesn’t sound good. If you’re in hell, it’s not going to change with a proposal or a marriage. 

Post # 4
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You already know what kind of life you’d be in for if you marry this man.  Do you really want to sign up for a lifetime of this misery?  You and he are not compatible and your relationship dynamic is very unhealthy, for both of you.  Do yourself a favor, end this relationship and find someone who is already the man you want and need. 

You want to change (improve) this guy, but he is rebelling against being changed by you.  Why would you want to keep putting yourself through this?

Post # 5
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
maymay777 :  You said, “I just felt like this was a sorry excuse and that I am being strung along with no end in sight.”

I agree with you.  I don’t think that this man is ready to marry you and I think you should move on.  At 32 years old, 5 years together, and 9 months with a ring in his pocket…if he’s still waiting now he is clearly not ready. 

I think that you’ve done the right thing by asking for a break while your abroad.  I think that you should continue with the break and use this time to think about what you really want and whether this man is the partner who can give it to you.

 This just doesn’t sound like a good long term match.  You want him to stop smoking and drinking and he’s clearly not going to stop.  He wants you to have a different approach to your career.  He wants kids, you’re not sure.  And he does sound manipulative and like a bad fighter.  You have a disagreement and he moves into the guest room for a week?  Yeesh.  That’s rough.

You’re young.  Move on from this relationship.  Value it for all the good times you had and all the lessons learned, and take that with you into the next chapter of your life.


Post # 6
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Do you honestly think he truly wants to marry you? Sorry for being harsh, but from an outsider’s perspective on what you wrote, it seems you’re pressuring him into proposing/marriage and that it’s not something he wants. 

Post # 7
3900 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
maymay777 :  i could only read half but from that I gather that he simply doesnt want to get married to you. Sorry bee.

Post # 8
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

As other PPs have said, I simply don’t think you two are compatible and that this is a good match for marriage. 

This man does not want to marry you. From the information you provided, it seems like you took the lead and he followed — you initiated the purchase of a ring and designed it by yourself. “He was totally on board!” Interesting. He sat back and let you do whatever you wanted with what most people consider a very important and expensive purchase, and footed the bill like it was nothing? He then expected you to just put it on your finger instead of planning a legitimate proposal? He’s held onto the ring for months and, whenever you bring the topic up, always has an excuse of “Oh, I was planning on proposing on X date.” I call bullsh*t. This is someone who has no intention of proposing and is doing whatever he can to get you to drop it. In my experience, people don’t make excuses when they want to do something. Bee, you don’t want to marry a man that behaves this way.

You’ve outlined some resentment you have for his lifestyle choices, but what about resentment he could be feeling toward you? Is it possible your career break has negatively impacted your relationship to the extent that he’s changed his mind about marrying you? From what you’ve said, it seems like he’s got some doubts about you that have surfaced after your break. It’s great that you were able to do that for yourself, however, at 32, some people do view that as irresponsible and in a negative light. You felt you were soul searching, and he felt you were “doing nothing” and, unfortunately, Bee, many people feel this way. It’s sad, but our society tends to paint people who do these things, after a certain age, as selfish. It seems like he feels that way.

(I’d like to point out that I’m not intending to take sides here, just bring to light a POV I know exists as I’ve seen it before. I’m not trying to validate anything or say what’s right or wrong.)

I think, ultimately, resentment for life choices have built up for both of you. It seems like there hasn’t been very clear communication, and expectations (like following your words up with actions) have fallen by the wayside to keep the peace. I think this happens to a lot of couples.

I think the disagreement on marriage and children will continue to be a fundamental incompatibility for you two. It would take immense dedication from both of you, and therapy, to salvage this relationship in my opinion.

Post # 9
6973 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

At this point, what exactly do you think will change with a marriage proposal? It seems you two both have many other issues that need work and an engagement is not going to solve any of them. 

Post # 11
1252 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
maymay777 :  

I don’t think he wants to marry you.

You want it and he doesn’t so he’s giving you push backs.

Sounds like you’re already in hell TBH, a ring isn’t going to change that.

Post # 12
3327 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You are not compatible. I’m trying to look at this from his POV, because your post is pretty harsh.

He gave you the ring, but it wasnt good enough for you. You wanted pomp and circumstance, rather than an engagement. You have been living (I assume) fully or relatively rent free for 9 months, while he’s had to pay for this ring and keep both of you afloat. That’s a lot of responsibility for him! It sounds like he doesn’t agree with this decision, but didn’t have much choice in it.

I’m confused about the cigs and alcohol part. Was he a smoker and drinker before you started dating? Many women have the ‘Oh but I can change him!’ complex, and that’s not always accurate. Either way, you can’t force him to quit, and you also don’t seem to grasp how difficult that is.

I do think he sounds manipulative. Changing rooms, leaving the ring on the bed, etc are all very childish things to do. But you sound manipulative too. You said no contact while you were gone, but sent him a really long email. You told him to tell you why he was upset, and then turned that on him for not being supportive enough. He told you he wants kids, and you turn that around on his lifestyle. How is he manipulating you to stay living with him? You don’t have a FT job, could you afford rent on your own? It sounds the other way around if anything?

I think you both have bigger issues. You’ve both asked for breaks in recent months, it sounds like it’s time to move on. A ring isn’t going to magically make these things better.

Post # 13
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

Truthfully I would not want to be married to someone who moved out of our bedroom for an entire week over a rather trivial argument, that sounds like a lot of drama and grudge-holding, to say nothing of the very poor communication skills you’re both bringing to the table. Add a drinking problem of his and your extension of your extended career break, and it sounds like you would both benefit more, at this point, from individual therapy rather than couples therapy. TBH I wouldn’t even bring engagement and especially not children into this hot mess in its current state. 

Post # 14
2724 posts
Sugar bee

Well, if I’m understanding the post correctly, it sounds like he paid for the ring you designed around the same time you embarked on your career break. I can’t help but wonder whether he felt like this meant that you were preparing for him to be your meal ticket, and that he was pressured into proposing? I can see how from a guy perspective, you deciding to quit your job, pick a ring out for yourself, and start playing wifey could be alarming. But the bigger issue is that it sounds like neither of you fully trusts the other, and you’re not making life decisions together.

It also sounds like he has bigger issues, from the self-destructive and addictive behaviors to the communication issues. Addiction is serious, and I’d personally not consider marrying anyone who had an addiction. At the very least, he should be taking it seriously and getting help. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent, and parents who fought all the time — don’t do this to yourself! And certainly don’t bring kids into the mix, ESP if you’re not 100% sure you want them. 

Post # 15
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree he just doesnt want to do it. He has nothing stopping him. I honestly think you are dodging a bullet if you walk away… hes an active alcoholic who isnt even attempting treatment. You say he has family history of early cancer and hes already testing poorly for kidney and liver… hes not going to live long at this rate. Its unfair to bring kids into that mess. Please move on for your own sanity.

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