(Closed) Pre-Engagement Jitters Stirring Up Abandoment Issues?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

While I am not dealing with anything similar…I do think it’s important for your family history that you find out relevant information about your paternal side. It’s not at all innapropriate to ask or contact people and let them know who you are so long as they are not uncomfortable. I certainly wouldn’t push the issue of getting together and discussing your father over lunch….but you get the idea. Sounds like his parents were pretty conservative for the time period in which you were concieved. Alot has changed since then and i’m sure the consensus on your paternal side is accepting and acknowledging nowadays. 

My fiancee’ did not know his father (who is now deceased) and does not attempt to stay in contact with his fathers side of the family…though I do recall FI’s father’s sister sending a christmas card a few years back and she also did contact him to inform him his father had passed (about 5 years ago)…but the situation was a bit different.

My FI’s parents were married to eachother before he and his siblings were concieved/born….but it was still a huge scandal in his father’s family, because my FI’s mother is a native islander with a heavy accent and they did not approve (his dad’s side is apparently caucasian)…so the marriage broke down while him and his siblings were all toddlers….his father did not make an attempt to maintain any sort of relationship with his children (my FI)….and my Fiance did not seem one bit sad when he heard his father was murdered (by his own son from a second marriage no-less)…and has not reached back at his father’s sister’s attempts to be cordial towards him, even from afar.

Although I sorta wish he were interested in knowing that side of the family. They are obviously open to knowing us by those small gestures. It would be itneresting to see photos of his father, etc. I say keep those connections alive, because you may never know what could come of them.

Post # 4
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

My sister and I were in similar situations, but with different fathers (same mother).  I chose to ignore my bio-father’s family, and she is not.  If I were you, I’d ask your mom how she felt about all this.  And then respect her wishes.  If she doesn’t want them to come to the wedding, or doesn’t want to know about them, then I would meet them privately, but not bring them around your mom.

Good luck, and I hope it all goes well!

Post # 5
1527 posts
Bumble bee

I would tell your mom and talk to her about her feelings. If you feel like you want to know your dad, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to meet him. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to also have a relationship with your Aunt. She especially had the least to do with anything. 

If you want members of your father’s side of the family at your wedding and in your life, it is YOUR decision. And theirs of course lol. If you want them around, you have a right to have them around. I wouldn’t force everyone to come to thanksgiving or anything, but slowly getting to know the other side is perfectly okay if you’re okay with it. 

If you’re not ready to meet other members of his side, then that’s okay. If you’re not ready to meet her, that’s okay. I think that if you want to invite her to the wedding, it’s up to you. I would just be open and honest about your decisions and intentions. 

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