Post # 17
DH and I struggled with this. We’re private people and we didn’t necesarily like talking about our personal feelings with each other in front of the counselor (who was religious).
I don’t think it’s a problem that your DH can’t answer them in front of a counselor, but he should be able to tell YOU in private all of these questions.
Post # 18
If this person has been asked by you two to perform YOUR ceremony. When you go into counseling, their job is to ask probing questions… and make you feel uncomfortable. I go on my own and that’s what gets you to a point of enlightenment. It’s not going to be used against you. My FH and I went to counseling at the church and the answers were good for us to hear… whether you want to or not.
Post # 19
Yeah, the one that really got him was describing when we first fell in love and also what his first impression of me was. He already shared ( even though he wasnt supposed to) about when he knew I was The One, and luckily, it was the same answer I put! ( even though I didnt tell him that)
He would tell me anything I asked him, even if it hurt my feelings… so it is definitely a double edged sword for us. When we first started dating and I would ask something ( I am super nosy), he would say, ” the answer may hurt your feelings…” and if I was OK with that , he would continue.
Post # 20
I am not afraid of any information being used against us per se, just that we wanted him to perform the ceremony because he IS such a close family friend and confidant.
But, I also wasn’t very enthusiastic about discussing finances, sex, spritual walk type of things with him because I do know him so well. I wanted more of a disconnect with the pastor because I thought that would help me ( us) oth open up more. As opposed to the guy that eats Thanksgiving dinner with us! I hope that makes sense!
Which is why we opted to not the counseling with him, but still very much want him to be apart of our wedding day and perform the ceremony. His intent with the questions was to give him more material to work with, and also incorporate some of the answers into the ceremony as appropriate and as needed. I have been to several wedding he has done, and I always thought it was such a nice touch and he delivers the information so well.
I just wish my Fiance would understand that it isn’t rocket science! He is seriously dreading answering these, and I *thought* they would be fun for him!
Post # 21
maybe he’s afraid he’ll say the “wrong thing”.
Post # 22
possibly… I just want him to view it as a chance to share about our relationship as opposed to being freaked out by the questions and dreading it 🙁
Post # 23
@Mrs_Amanda: I wouldn’t be uncomfortable answering these questions, but I can see how a private person might be, or have difficulty putting words to their feelings of someone they love so much. Perhaps he can just keep his answers short or “safe” to still get the point across and get something out of the exercise without compromising anything too personal.
It appears natural that these questions would come at the beginning of a premarital counseling process. It seems the main purpose of the questions is for the pastor to get to know your history as a couple so he can better officiate the ceremony itself, as well as lead toward premarital counseling topics about your future later during counseling. Blessings and good luck to you both!
Post # 24
He’s a dude. He probably cant answer half of them because he cant remember or cant articulate what he wants to say.
Or probably this.
Post # 25
We are also doing pre-marital counseling with my pastor back in WA; he gave us a book of questions to fill out and discuss between just me and my Fiance, unless we choose to discuss it with him. My pastor in CA wants us to do the counseling, discuss it between me and my Fiance, and give him the answers a few weeks before the wedding. I find it weird that your pastor would not want you to discuss the answers with your Fiance.
Post # 26
he does not want us discussing them because when we send him the separate responses, along with our vows, verses picked out to be read and what we would like incorporated in the ceremony… he will send us back a “rouch draft” of what the ceremony will look like and we can yay or nay it. The purpose of us not collaborating on them is so a uniqye persective if offered from each of us, and he can works those responses into the ceremony ( mostly at the beginning)
He has done this with 2 other couples’ weddings I attended and it turned out so cute and personal… I thought it was a GREAT idea to do it with ours since we have so many extended family and friends who may not be as familiar with our story, and it gives them a chance to hear about it before us launching into the vows…. I don’t know, I just thought it was such a fun and unique idea, but he is making it more difficult than it needs to be!
He called me on his lunch earlier and since they need to be turned in this week, he said he would answer them but he wanted to run by a few scenarios with me beforehand…. so maybe he is warming up to the idea!
Post # 27
My Fiance sounded like a huge dummy in counseling because he couldn’t come up with the reasons why he loved me, lol. He’s really not very good at getting emotions out into a formal thought, so I kind of took over a little bit and we both pretty emotional by the end of my explanation. I think the point was made. The pastor has to understand that sometimes one person isn’t good at putting things into words!
Could you maybe consider getting a list of questions every time before you go to counseling, that way your Fiance has time to gather his thoughts in a way that still retains privacy, but sufficiently answers the question? We do similar things for kids at school who get too nervous when put on the spot to answer questions 🙂
Sounds like you’re already kind of doing that, but just to be extra sure he’s not in a bad spot.
Post # 28
there at least 6 questions that i know both hubby and i would have problems answering because we are a very relaxed couple that doesnt read too deep into things
Post # 29
I almot dread Pre Marital, becau although I know that we can talk in depth, it has taken us some time to get there. I am very much a talker and am open to an extent. He is far more introverted and doesn’t trust people outside of family to share. Perhaps your Fiance is similar, and doesn’t feel comfortable in that situation. good luck!