Post # 1
Hi I know this has been asked before but I’m looking for some guidance.
My Fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years and are due to be married next year. Though we have not had intercourse (My fiance is in eager anticipation of our wedding night lol), we have slipped into a rut of being intimate in other ways for quite some time. I do acknowledge this is not the best thing for our relationship with God and between ourselves. We have tried to ‘just stop’ but that’s only worked for very short periods. If anybody could give me advice and encouragement both spiritual and practical, or just let me know that we are not the only ones struggling with this I would be really grateful (as I often get the idea that we’re the only ones that can’t seem to do things the right way). Thanks In advance
Post # 2
elodie.joseph.7: Didnt want to read and run but don’t have time for a full reply right now so I shall do it later explaining our situation. X
Post # 3
elodie.joseph.7: I will PM you a series of sermons on the topic!
Post # 4
elodie.joseph.7: Before we were married my husband and I went through this. We are both Christian but have/had differing views on the topic of sex before marriage. He had had sex in a prior relationship whereas I had never had full on sex. It was a struggle and, whilst we never had full on sex, we were, like you, intimate in other ways. There were times where I would want to but we never would because Darling Husband knew how much I would probably regret it afterwards.
Am I glad we never went the whole way? Absolutely. Do I regret doing the things we did? I honestly do not know.
You’ll have some Christian couples who don’t view sex before marriage as a problem whereas others will. However, I think you will struggle to find a couple in the second group who have not struggled with the issue of intimacy before marriage. This may be through physically doing intimate acts together or through dealing with the issue mentally. If anybody told me they had never had sexual feelings towards their Fiance then I would question it. It is completely natural to have them, after all, God gave them to us. But just because they are there doesn’t mean we should act on them all the time.
I don’t really know what to advise for you. I think now that you have started being intimate it will be a struggle to stop but it might be possible. When we were going out/engaged I wondered about seeing someone about it but Darling Husband said no – they may cause you to suppress your feelings that, when it is right to act on them, might not come out so it could have an adverse affect.
Only you and your Fiance can truly know what is best for you.
Post # 5
be encouraged by the restraint you are already showing, set limits and stay away from tempting situations (if you live separately, don’t do sleepovers if possible for example). glad i’m not the only christian in a very long, celibate relationship! 7 years to wedding day for us!
Post # 6
What on earth is the “right way?” and how do you feel you are doing it wrong?
Post # 7
elodie.joseph.7: Can you just have a quick and private wedding/ceremony before your scheduled wedding?
Post # 8
Thanks for responses 🙂
Cory_loves_this_girl Thanks so much I will look into those:)
FromA2B2013 I really appreciate you sharing your story with me, it seems our stories are pretty similar. Im glad even though you struggled that you haven’t brought a feeling of condemnation in your marriage, because I do worry when we get married I will feel bad about sex even though I’ll be his wife.
bluelagon Oh Gosh it’s so difficult, those around us feel like we need a medal for holding out this long but I never feel we are doing well enough (not to sound legalistic). We do need to work on boundaries, we were really good in the beginning but as we’ve dated longer things have started to slip.
babeba Sorry if my post is confusing, I am referring to the biblical way as we are a Christian couple.
nycsa We did consider a ‘quicky wedding’ when we first got engaged but Fiance is not too keen he wanted me to have a ‘proper wedding day’ as he knew that’s what I’d always dreamt of. I’m finishing up my law degree in a different part of the UK to where my Fiance works but a civil ceremony after I’ve graduated in a few months could be an option.
Post # 9
elodie.joseph.7: Sex has never ever been seen as a bad thing in our marriage. Not to blow our own trumpets but we’ve never had a bad “session”. I know the stereotypical view about the first time is that it isn’t very good and very painful but I didn’t find that. Yes, it was uncomfortable but not enough to make me think, “this is awful”. I do partly attribute this to waiting and part of me wonders if we had had sex beforehand would it have been as good, I don’t know.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2015 - Carmen\'s Lakeview
elodie.joseph.7: I have have this conversation with friends of mine who were trying to kind of “slow down” their intimacy. I would suggest not being alone at your homes. Instead, go out to coffee shops, libraries, movie dates, etc. This will limit your chances of being intimate. 🙂
Post # 11
elodie.joseph.7: 1st off you should be commended because many give in to temptation ecspecially when you are together for such a long time. I agree with mmnnhh avoiding places that will be easy to give in to temptation, any dark isolated areas even the movies you have to be careful with, Driving in seperate cars is also a plus, But above all the #1 thing as a Christian that will help you to be patient is (1 Cor 10:31) Reminding us that no matter what decision we make in life we must ask ourselves is this truly glorifying or honoring God.
Hope this helps & Congradulations!
Post # 12
My husband and I lived together before marriage (i know- and Im an HA girl too), realized after our engagement that we both did not want to enter into a catholic marriage while in that intimate situation, so we ceased all sexual contact and still managed to live together. It was really difficult (really) but its kind of like quitting anything else, you just have to do it…or well in your case not do it…
Post # 13
First of all, I am wowed that you two have been together for 6 years and have kept yourselves from having sex. What amazing commitment!
My Fiance and I have struggled as well.
It has helped to set boundaries. Most important I think is we both have accountability partners that we check in with at least weekly. My partner is actually my matron of honor! Sometimes I dread the question: “how is your physical purity going?” But it’s really helpful! Also, my FI’s roommate is very attentive 🙂 he never lets us be alone for extended periods of time. He will also call my Fiance when he’s visiting my apt to let him know that it is late and time to come home.
My MOH/ accountability partner did tell me that it is important to understand God’s grace. It is difficult/ impossible to dust your hands of a sin and walk away. But improvement can be seen in length between occurances, seeing warning signs more quickly, and repenting more quickly. Unfortunatley, sexual sin is like a dimmer switch- it’s hard to see the lines sometime. But it’s important to know that each day is a new day and there is always forgiveness.
You are so close! I know you’ll make it and have no guilt on your wedding day!
Post # 14
This is amazing. This was a goal of mine and I failed at it. I just went into too many tempting situations and eventually gave in. I regret it to this day (At least with that relationship. It wasn’t a good one and that was one reason I gave in). I just wanted to tell you I admire your strength and so does God!