Pre-Marital Issues – A Foreboding

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7806 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So, it sounds as if a big part of your relationship problems stem from you devoting all of your time and energy to this house, that you chose, and not to your Fiance and daughter? As much as you may find satisfaction in this it is not serving any of you well–she’s angry, you’re walking on eggshells, your daughter may end up with parents who are not together.

Have you considered choosing a different house that requires much less work? If you don’t think this would solve most of your issues then perhaps you would be better and happier parents apart. It’s hard to tell from your post if she has an unreasonable desire to be doted on or if your know-it-all attitude is a bigger issue, aside from the house. Counseling is an easy response, easy because it often helps. 

Post # 3
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with PP, but one thing that stood out to me was that she already made you move because she had an issue with that house and now she has an issue with this house. I can’t tell if she’s being super unreasonable or if it’s more of a coincidence that your marital issues involve a house.

Post # 4
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Yes I suggest counseling.  You and your SO are in an unhealthy, toxic situation.  Its helpful that you acknowledge some responsibliity in the predicament that you’re in.  If you’re supposed to be partners then act like it.  Just because YOU owned a home it shouldn’t preclude her from having a say in the home she lives in.  So yeah, counseling and lots of it.

One more thing, its completely unhealthy to a child to live in a household with two parents who show no love, caring or basic respect for one another.  Just being present in the home is pathetically insufficient as a protection against the “broken home” situation in which you found yourself in childhood.  Kids arent’ stupid, they can see, hear and sense when people don’t care for each other.  If you want to protect your daughter (you really can’t tho) then do so by example.  Allow her to witness two adults who care and respect one another, whether or not its with her mother.  In short, “staying for the children” is one of the most misguided things you can do as a parent to a child’s sense safety and stability.  Don’t do that.

Post # 5
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
kristin36890 :  Yeah, it was hard to make her the bad guy because a part of what she wanted was reasonable to me.  But lines are crossed when contempt comes into the picture.  People need to learn how to communicate or at least not let stuff fester.

Post # 6
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
callmeanon :  Don’t allow more children into this situation until you’re stable emotionally, physically and financially.  Honestly, put a wedding on hold until you and she can communicate like adults.

Post # 7
Member
5019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I have a feeling that a lot of what you are struggling with is transition.  You sound a bit lost and would likely benefit from some individualized therapy.  You are a parent now and preparing for marriage.  Life is changing and even good changes can be a lot to grasp and grow into.

You also need to find balance between your fixer-upper hobbies that you enjoy and spending time with your Fiance and child.  Likely more than ever your Fiance needs you and she may be feeling isolated/abandoned if she is left to herself to care for an infant while you are busy elsewhere.

So, I would start with therapy and make an effort to become more present in your FI’s and child’s life.  If you conclude that you are truly unhappy in this relationship I would end things prior to marriage.  Entering an unhappy marriage will not fix things and it will not save your child in any way.

Post # 8
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

Like what everyone said, go for premarital counseling. Dysfunctional family is as bad as broken family. I come from a dysfunctional family so I know the impact it has on me the older I become. I wished my parents had access to couple counseling back then or tried to attend some. They didn’t. So yeah.. lifetime impact on both me and my brother.

My fiancé and I know each other’s love language and will try to show love to each other the way we would receive best. We also attended marriage preparatory course and did some pre-marriage engagement book together, using the questions in the book as points of discussion of us as a couple, etc. We do spend more time talking about everything now than before we got engaged.

Having a baby and planning a wedding at the same time is like trying to manage a football team alone. Your fiancée probably needs some help with the child and your attention as a woman. Don’t assume that if she’s not working therefore she’s free. I’ve observed that a homemaker has more work than a full time working adult. Maybe she’s using the house as a tool to get you to look at her and talk to her. Is she coping alright with the new baby? Does she suffer from post partum depression? Does she have anyone else to talk to besides you?

You mentioned that you guys are also struggling financially. Do you need such a huge house? Financial situation can be painful to go through. Have you guys ever consider seeing a financial advisor to help manage your money situation?

I think you both need to talk calmly. Hence, the pre-marriage counseling sessions would be helpful. All the best!

Post # 9
Member
694 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

View original reply
callmeanon :  Relationships are about compromise. You said you sold your previous house but then made most of the decisions about the new house you bought. She isn’t necessarily being unreasonable if she didn’t get much say in the new house. Have you considered buying a house together and finding one you both agree on? Again with compromise, you having fixer upper hobbies and needing to maintain your house and property is all fine, but you have to come together on it. She may not WANT to help, but the house is hers too so she’s going to need to compromise and pitch in. I don’t do nearly the amount of upkeep my Fiance does, but I definitely pitch in, and in turn, he spends time with us doing things he doesn’t necessarily want to do. You have to give and take. And you have to COMMUNICATE. I echo PPs with the counseling to learn how to communicate effectively and get on the same page. Also, from the bit you wrote it does seem like you are using your hobbies and upkeep responsibilites as an excuse for not spending time with your Fiance. What’s the point of being in a relationship if you don’t spend time together. You two need to sit down and figure out a way to get all the chores done but still satisfy each other’s needs. 

Post # 11
Member
5019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Without knowing either of you I am hopeful for you.  I think you both are not currently connecting or getting what you need from the relationship but with some guidance and a lot of communication I feel this can be achieved.

ETA:  You have to really consider if the $50k profit is worth putting another 2 years worth of strain on your relationship and family. Will you guys survive another 2 years?  If selling the house and moving into something easier to manage, something less time consuming so you can put more time into your family is the answer then do it and do it now.

Post # 12
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
callmeanon :  okay as an outsider looking in and not knowing all the context, here are my thoughts: perhaps recent mother is tired, being at home with a 6 month old can be very tiring and lonely and when partner goes off to play cars and do other tasks around the house, I can see why she would feel neglected, abandoned, loney, unsexy. 

I agree with others who say that its not fair she is holding the second house over your head after she begged you to get rid of the first one (sounds like from insecurities BUT I can relate Ill be damned if I live in an exes house 😉 ) . 

IF the house truly is the problem, houses are replaceable, families are not. Lifelong bonds with children are not. 

As others have suggested counseling can certainly help, it can open both your eyes to issues that you may or may not be doing to contribute to the lack of harmony in your home AND if you do have reservations about being a permanant member of this unit, it can help you decide whether to stay or go, with more logic, and less emotional fuel. 

I am sorry you are going through this and wish you the best of luck. 

Post # 13
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
callmeanon :  talk to her. Find relationship books to read if you can’t afford therapy. Say “honey, I want to make this work. How can we meet halfway so we’re both happy?” If she says you’re neglecting her and your child then spend less time working on the house. Let the roof leak a bit and then she’ll understand you need to take time to fix it. It sounds like she’s just as miserable as you are and probably just as desperate to save the relationship. 

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