Pre-Marital Issues – A Foreboding

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
10545 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I would not put off selling two years. Another two years of this and there won’t be a marriage to salvage.

I also think you need to look for a location close to your job so you won’t be home so late which is one of the complaints. Also, say it with me: move in ready. 

Post # 17
Member
30 posts
Newbee

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callmeanon :  even though you made this decision about the house based on what she actually wanted, you still made the decision nonetheless. Sure, you’re allowed to feel how you feel, but you’ve gotta also own the fact that you were the one who ultimately decided on the house you’re in now. If it’s so much work, why not move into something that doesn’t require as much work? This way, you can spend more time together as a family – that is, if that’s what you actually want. It sounds to me like you’re already on your way out, so I guess you just need to make a decision for yourself. Would you be happier separated and coparenting? Or would you be happier moving into a place that requires less work to maintain and ultimately get to spend more time together as a family? Just be forewarned, if all of the maintenance takes up most of your time now, if you do take the separation option and end up with 50/50 custody, when you have your child in your care, you probably won’t have the time to devote to the house anyway. It seems like unless you move to something that doesn’t require as much work, there’s going to be some sort of issue. 

Post # 18
Member
7802 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Just drop the notion of getting this house to “its deserved level of glory” and figure out what you need to do to just get it ready to go on the market. You chose this house without her, it takes up too much time and requires an hour commute each way to work. Three strikes. Any loss of return on this investment is more than saved by avoiding supporting two households and paying spousal and child support. 

Good luck with counseling. You’re going to have to get past the notion that you know all for it to work. Accept that you’re a first time parent and this is new territory relationship and otherwise. You say you are present at home but it sounds as if you are sort of around, but busy with other things–not hands on.

Last, is it possible your Fiance is suffering from postpartum depression, compounded by these other issues? Is this large property that requires so much work also isolated? Does she have a chance to get out to spend time with friends or do anything that’s not being a mother or playing a wife role?

Post # 19
Member
3823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

As long as both parties are willing to try I think there is always hope. You know you are willing, so that’s a good start. When did the relationship start to go downhill? Before or after you had your daughter? From what I understand it’s not unusual to struggle once a child is brought in to the equation – it’s a huge change of circumstances to adapt to. It does sound like something definitely needs to change with the house (by the way, she presumably could have spoken up when you were deciding to buy it. Unless you totally steamrolled her it’s not right of her to keep blaming you for getting it). The good news is that that is a concrete problem you can understand and address! It will be the underlying issues of communciation that take more time. But I really think you can do it. 

Post # 20
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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callmeanon :  As a first time mom – the first 6 months is tiresome.  The idea of spending an few hours away from the baby to do something I enjoy is a luxury idea, which occurred pretty rare.  If your Fiance doesn’t have support from anyone else I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for her.  Especially by the sound of it… she’s a mom 24×7 (except the 4 hrs/ weekend morning where she can sleep in).  Aside from that – what else does she do?  Can she go out by herself to unwind and enjoy doing something she likes?

I guess my point is – you get to unwind for – say – 10 hrs on sat and Sunday to do things you like to do.  Does she get the same luxury?

 Anyone who is stuck at home all day (I assume in a home she doesn’t love), with no support or friends/family to talk to, attending the needs of their child constantly, and has no quality time for herself…  you can’t really be surprise that she’s a bit resentful.

While I understand the push to complete the renovations for the house (it sounds like a good investment)… There’s a time and place for everything.  This does not sound like it’s the right time focusing on a project when your home is falling apart from the inside.

Spending majority of the best hours of the day (afternoon) of the weekend on the house is essentially saying the house is more valuable than time with her and the baby.  Maybe try splitting your time where one day is to do Reno… and the other day is just family time by taking them out for walks or something she may enjoy?

Post # 21
Member
10110 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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callmeanon :  

idk if it’s relevant at all, but do you speak to her like you speak on these threads ? I apologise if English  is not your first  language , but you sound so pedantic  and pompous and righteous  (even when saying how bad you feel) it  would give a most distancing  impression if you do. 

Post # 22
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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callmeanon :  You need counseling.  The way that you articulate yourself screams egotistical – the way you pity yourself in colorful adjectives is sickening.  There are a number of things your wife is likely going through.  Stuck in a home she didn’t want after being guilted into it for asking you sell your other one, loneliness and abandonment, post partum depression, exhaustion, issues of self-worth (probably stemming in part from your emphasis on work and hobbies).  Where is her right to live in this?  How she survived this is beyond me. 

Post # 24
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

I will keep it short and sweet…and honest. This is what you have asked for afterall.

If you would like to save your marriage, talk to your wife and ask her what she needs from your to fix this state of tension you are both living in, if selling the house is it, then sell the house. If spending more time with her, then spend more time with her. I personally would be pissed if I saw my husband for a couple hours each day. Why even be married if I feel like a lone wolf?

Second, you sound like a lot. The ego is high and the know it all attitude is also too much. You don’t seem to be the most understanding person so I would work on putting yourself in your wife’s shoes for a day. 

I do applaud you for wanting to seek advice and fix your marriage. 

Post # 25
Member
2332 posts
Buzzing bee

Dude. You use so many words that are just NOT used by most of the “populace.” I surely hope you don’t actually speak this way in real life. That would be exhausting.

I think you are entirely too focused on your ego and on being “seen in a villainous light.” (wtf?)

You’ve mentioned your ego multiple times in just a few comments.

You say your wife calls you a know it all.

You mention she has issues with how much time you dedicate to fixing things around the house instead of engaging with her and your child, but in the same breath, you state that you get all your self-esteem from these tasks, thereby blaming HER for your weakening resolve/identity/ego/whatever.

You say you don’t want to place the blame on her, but the entire rest of your initial post and follow up comments do exactly that.

I’m diagnosing fragile ego that needs constant bolstering – which you give it in the form of (emotionally) easy manual labor. 

You’re not challenging yourself here. You’re taking the easy way out. You’re neglecting your wife and child emotionally because emotions are hard for you and don’t bolster your ego.

And instead of listening to your wife when she pleads with you to do right by her, and to consider her needs, you resent her for daring to try to come between you and the manual labor that is so easy for you and you get so much personal gratification from.

You’re being selfish and fragile. 

And I get it. I used to be exactly that way, specifically because of all the childhood trauma I endured.

We come out of childhood trauma very selfish and fragile. Selfish because that is the only way you can survive the trauma in the first place. Fragile because instead of being healthy, whole people, we are a collection of unhealthy defense mechanisms plastered together well enough to resemble a “normal” human being to the casual observer. 

All we do is go around looking for sources of ego-bolstering because we know we are broken and are desparately trying to figure out how to fix ourselves, and since ego-bolstering provides immediately satisfaction and feels so good, we turn to that like a drug addict turns to their drug of choice. 

And we avoid anything and everything that makes us doubt ourselves because it is so incredibly painful. You hate the feedback you’re getting because it’s not bolstering your ego. It’s causing you actual pain. 

So here you are, stuck, the villain who can’t admit to himself he’s the villain without having a complete ego-breakdown because he’s so fragile. 

You will continue knocking your head into this wall and driving your family deeper and deeper into this downward spiral until you actually get yourself some therapy that is specifically targeted at childhood trauma (c-PTSD) and identity crisis. You need to read up on Ego Suppression, and start meditation. Read up on Mindfulness. Listen to Brene Brown’s “The Power of Vulnerability.” You can watch a portion of her YouTube talk online.

I feel for your wife and your child if you’re not able to grow past this pain. But I also feel for you, because I know how horrible and confusing it feels to be trapped behind that wall.

Post # 27
Member
891 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
callmeanon :  good to know she has some form of support network and her family lives on the same plot as you both. Maybe she misses you. Can’t you both just talk or attend some kind of couple therapy? Doesn’t matter what anyone says, ultimately if you want to save your relationship, it takes two to tango. All the best in giving yourself, your fiancée and your daughter a chance for healthy family life in future.

P/S: you asked for honest truth, I supposed, when you wrote this post? Then why are you upset when the bees gave their opinions? You waited till the replies became a “witch-hunt” as you called it, then you lashed back at us. Umm.. a word of advice, the next time you felt people are “misguided by lack of information”, you could maybe offer the information instead of waiting to see who got it right.

P.P/S: I am uncomfortable how you addressed someone who offered their opinions in a relatively chauvinistic manner. I’d be awfully upset if my fiancé does that to anyone.

Post # 28
Member
7802 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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callmeanon :  Your updates aren’t helping you. I really hope you don’t speak to your Fiance this way and you both take a break from any wedding planning and devote some serious time to counseling. For the moment really try to put your projects aside and spend some time with your family. 

Post # 29
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

I think there is a really simple solution to your problem–spend more time with the person who is supposed to be the love of your life.

I work 10.5 hours day. I normally leave my home at 7:45AM and get home around 8PM. (I luckily have a short 10 minute commute), but I’ve worked these hours when my commute was 1 hour both ways as well–the fiance works similar hours. 

To put it bluntly our relationship would have been over if he made me feel less important than anything–and he has at times and it’s caused problems. From your post you imply that a lot of things are more important than your fiance, your work, your rest, the house,  and your daughter (some people would say the last thing is how it’s supposed to be, but, meh.) 

Not to say I expect a dude to dote on me with all this free time, but if I didn’t see the fiance all day and I’m stuck in his shamble of a house, taking care of his daughter, and he got home and then did chores for an hour there would be plenty of tension. 

How much romance is in your relationship? When was the last time you brought her flowers, made her breakfast in bed, set up a nice bath, brought her a gift, taken her out? 

If it wasn’t sometime in the last week maybe you should consider doing a little bit more to make her feel appreciated? 

And I’m not saying the whole thing is your fault. It takes two in a relationship and it sounds like she has plenty of issues herself (when was the last time she did something romantic for you?) but there’s only one person you have control over and that’s yourself. 

When I want more from my partner I try to give a little bit more and hope he rises to the occasion. 

Maybe the same could work for you?

Post # 30
Member
10110 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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callmeanon :  

 Although the hardest to hear, and substantiate, the more brazen comments have given me some things to ponder and reflect upon. So for that, thank you. Even though I surely didn’t expect to be seen in such a villainous light.

My dear boy, this is a perfect example of the pomposity we have been commenting on.  Nothing intrinsically  wrong with it , but I bet  you use it like a weapon when you feel cornered .  For eg , ‘brazen’ is an …interesting…. word to  use to describe women’s comments. 

And how furious you got  with the pp who dared  suggest what your ego problem might be,  and how affronted that you got challenged on – gasp – a wedding site !

Frankly, every update you post makes you sound more petulant.  Plus , it feels  like some antifeminist  statement is hiding , j…u….s….t behind  it all.  

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