MemberI would not put off selling two years. Another two years of this and there won’t be a marriage to salvage.
I also think you need to look for a location close to your job so you won’t be home so late which is one of the complaints. Also, say it with me: move in ready.
MemberMemberJust drop the notion of getting this house to “its deserved level of glory” and figure out what you need to do to just get it ready to go on the market. You chose this house without her, it takes up too much time and requires an hour commute each way to work. Three strikes. Any loss of return on this investment is more than saved by avoiding supporting two households and paying spousal and child support.
Good luck with counseling. You’re going to have to get past the notion that you know all for it to work. Accept that you’re a first time parent and this is new territory relationship and otherwise. You say you are present at home but it sounds as if you are sort of around, but busy with other things–not hands on.
Last, is it possible your Fiance is suffering from postpartum depression, compounded by these other issues? Is this large property that requires so much work also isolated? Does she have a chance to get out to spend time with friends or do anything that’s not being a mother or playing a wife role?
MemberAs long as both parties are willing to try I think there is always hope. You know you are willing, so that’s a good start. When did the relationship start to go downhill? Before or after you had your daughter? From what I understand it’s not unusual to struggle once a child is brought in to the equation – it’s a huge change of circumstances to adapt to. It does sound like something definitely needs to change with the house (by the way, she presumably could have spoken up when you were deciding to buy it. Unless you totally steamrolled her it’s not right of her to keep blaming you for getting it). The good news is that that is a concrete problem you can understand and address! It will be the underlying issues of communciation that take more time. But I really think you can do it.
MemberI guess my point is – you get to unwind for – say – 10 hrs on sat and Sunday to do things you like to do. Does she get the same luxury?
Anyone who is stuck at home all day (I assume in a home she doesn’t love), with no support or friends/family to talk to, attending the needs of their child constantly, and has no quality time for herself… you can’t really be surprise that she’s a bit resentful.
While I understand the push to complete the renovations for the house (it sounds like a good investment)… There’s a time and place for everything. This does not sound like it’s the right time focusing on a project when your home is falling apart from the inside.
Spending majority of the best hours of the day (afternoon) of the weekend on the house is essentially saying the house is more valuable than time with her and the baby. Maybe try splitting your time where one day is to do Reno… and the other day is just family time by taking them out for walks or something she may enjoy?
Memberidk if it’s relevant at all, but do you speak to her like you speak on these threads ? I apologise if English is not your first language , but you sound so pedantic and pompous and righteous (even when saying how bad you feel) it would give a most distancing impression if you do.
MemberMemberOh Boy. This is beginning to feel like a witch (warlock?) hunt. I guess that’s what I get for crying out to the internet, and on a wedding site no less! Maybe I didn’t explain some things properly, and of course there are many other facets left out of the big picture here. Not to mention my fly high emotions, and state of despair at the time of my initial writing. She does have a support network and is not totally alone. I think one of the important points I left out is, before we moved here, she was miserably missing her immediate family (many states away). This was putting a large strain on our relationship at the time. Part of the deciding factor of procuring this particular plot, was the fact it had a granny flat on the property. This seemed like an ideal place to solve the distance between her and her family that was causing so much pain. As of 3 years ago, her family now lives on the property with us. Without going into great detail, I’m sure that you can ascertain both the benefits and detriments of that situation.
Although the hardest to hear, and substantiate, the more brazen comments have given me some things to ponder and reflect upon. So for that, thank you. Even though I surely didn’t expect to be seen in such a villainous light.
My written and spoken speech are very different, and I believe that rings true for most of the populace. I apologize for my apparent screaming ego, and sickening use of adjectives. I’m also not sure what gives the impression that English is not my first language, it is.
MemberI will keep it short and sweet…and honest. This is what you have asked for afterall.
If you would like to save your marriage, talk to your wife and ask her what she needs from your to fix this state of tension you are both living in, if selling the house is it, then sell the house. If spending more time with her, then spend more time with her. I personally would be pissed if I saw my husband for a couple hours each day. Why even be married if I feel like a lone wolf?
Second, you sound like a lot. The ego is high and the know it all attitude is also too much. You don’t seem to be the most understanding person so I would work on putting yourself in your wife’s shoes for a day.
I do applaud you for wanting to seek advice and fix your marriage.
MemberDude. You use so many words that are just NOT used by most of the “populace.” I surely hope you don’t actually speak this way in real life. That would be exhausting.
I think you are entirely too focused on your ego and on being “seen in a villainous light.” (wtf?)
You’ve mentioned your ego multiple times in just a few comments.
You say your wife calls you a know it all.
You mention she has issues with how much time you dedicate to fixing things around the house instead of engaging with her and your child, but in the same breath, you state that you get all your self-esteem from these tasks, thereby blaming HER for your weakening resolve/identity/ego/whatever.
You say you don’t want to place the blame on her, but the entire rest of your initial post and follow up comments do exactly that.
I’m diagnosing fragile ego that needs constant bolstering – which you give it in the form of (emotionally) easy manual labor.
You’re not challenging yourself here. You’re taking the easy way out. You’re neglecting your wife and child emotionally because emotions are hard for you and don’t bolster your ego.
And instead of listening to your wife when she pleads with you to do right by her, and to consider her needs, you resent her for daring to try to come between you and the manual labor that is so easy for you and you get so much personal gratification from.
You’re being selfish and fragile.
And I get it. I used to be exactly that way, specifically because of all the childhood trauma I endured.
We come out of childhood trauma very selfish and fragile. Selfish because that is the only way you can survive the trauma in the first place. Fragile because instead of being healthy, whole people, we are a collection of unhealthy defense mechanisms plastered together well enough to resemble a “normal” human being to the casual observer.
All we do is go around looking for sources of ego-bolstering because we know we are broken and are desparately trying to figure out how to fix ourselves, and since ego-bolstering provides immediately satisfaction and feels so good, we turn to that like a drug addict turns to their drug of choice.
And we avoid anything and everything that makes us doubt ourselves because it is so incredibly painful. You hate the feedback you’re getting because it’s not bolstering your ego. It’s causing you actual pain.
So here you are, stuck, the villain who can’t admit to himself he’s the villain without having a complete ego-breakdown because he’s so fragile.
You will continue knocking your head into this wall and driving your family deeper and deeper into this downward spiral until you actually get yourself some therapy that is specifically targeted at childhood trauma (c-PTSD) and identity crisis. You need to read up on Ego Suppression, and start meditation. Read up on Mindfulness. Listen to Brene Brown’s “The Power of Vulnerability.” You can watch a portion of her YouTube talk online.
I feel for your wife and your child if you’re not able to grow past this pain. But I also feel for you, because I know how horrible and confusing it feels to be trapped behind that wall.
Member
MemberP/S: you asked for honest truth, I supposed, when you wrote this post? Then why are you upset when the bees gave their opinions? You waited till the replies became a “witch-hunt” as you called it, then you lashed back at us. Umm.. a word of advice, the next time you felt people are “misguided by lack of information”, you could maybe offer the information instead of waiting to see who got it right.
P.P/S: I am uncomfortable how you addressed someone who offered their opinions in a relatively chauvinistic manner. I’d be awfully upset if my fiancé does that to anyone.
Member
MemberI think there is a really simple solution to your problem–spend more time with the person who is supposed to be the love of your life.
I work 10.5 hours day. I normally leave my home at 7:45AM and get home around 8PM. (I luckily have a short 10 minute commute), but I’ve worked these hours when my commute was 1 hour both ways as well–the fiance works similar hours.
To put it bluntly our relationship would have been over if he made me feel less important than anything–and he has at times and it’s caused problems. From your post you imply that a lot of things are more important than your fiance, your work, your rest, the house, and your daughter (some people would say the last thing is how it’s supposed to be, but, meh.)
Not to say I expect a dude to dote on me with all this free time, but if I didn’t see the fiance all day and I’m stuck in his shamble of a house, taking care of his daughter, and he got home and then did chores for an hour there would be plenty of tension.
How much romance is in your relationship? When was the last time you brought her flowers, made her breakfast in bed, set up a nice bath, brought her a gift, taken her out?
If it wasn’t sometime in the last week maybe you should consider doing a little bit more to make her feel appreciated?
And I’m not saying the whole thing is your fault. It takes two in a relationship and it sounds like she has plenty of issues herself (when was the last time she did something romantic for you?) but there’s only one person you have control over and that’s yourself.
When I want more from my partner I try to give a little bit more and hope he rises to the occasion.
Maybe the same could work for you?
MemberAlthough the hardest to hear, and substantiate, the more brazen comments have given me some things to ponder and reflect upon. So for that, thank you. Even though I surely didn’t expect to be seen in such a villainous light.
My dear boy, this is a perfect example of the pomposity we have been commenting on. Nothing intrinsically wrong with it , but I bet you use it like a weapon when you feel cornered . For eg , ‘brazen’ is an …interesting…. word to use to describe women’s comments.
And how furious you got with the pp who dared suggest what your ego problem might be, and how affronted that you got challenged on – gasp – a wedding site !
Frankly, every update you post makes you sound more petulant. Plus , it feels like some antifeminist statement is hiding , j…u….s….t behind it all.