Post # 1
I couldn’t think of a better title, sorry.
A girlfriend and I were talking yesterday about deal breakers in relationships and then that led to us talking about what things are important to discuss before moving in/getting engaged/getting married. Hopefully everyone on the Bee has already talked about all of this with their SO but you never know! This is what we came up with:
– Children. (also leads into TTC and infertility)
– Relationship dealbreakers.
What are we missing?
Post # 3
This ties into the others but…
I’m practicing Jewish, and that’s non-negotiable to me… my husband doesn’t have to be Jewish, but he needs to understand that we have a Jewish household/family.
Post # 4
@laughs: +1 my Fiance and I had this really a couple months into dating.
Maybe this ties into home life and kids but a discussion about if someone will stop working to take care of the kids should take place as well. I know some people who have very strong beliefs about the mom staying at home while others would not want to give up their career.
Post # 5
It should also be discussed who had what responsibilities, what you both expect from marriage as well
Post # 6
Moving – Do you expect to stay in your hometowns your entire lives, do you want to live elsewhere in the states or abroad, are you willing to pick up and move if your partner gets a good job opportunity?
Post # 7
Careers. Darling Husband and I decided that his career will take precedent for now. And, we will be living/working around where his career takes us.
Post # 8
I don’t really think pets are a dealbreaker, but I agree with the rest! I can’t imagine marrying someone and not having talked about these things.
Post # 9
I would also add outside interests/friends. I couldn’t be with someone that was not going to be all right with me having “me time” and time with my girlfriends even after we get married. I need my Girls lol
Post # 10
I would talk about boundaries and chores and your expectations. Boundaries can involve family, habits, different things like that. Chores, or responsibilities, is a good one because there may be things you don’t do now that he would like you to do or vice versa.
Post # 11
-Religion and what faith, if any, do you want to raise your children
-Family: as in how you plan to spend holidays. It’s also probably a good idea to discuss how your families did things growing up and what kind of influence they’ve had on you. That way you can have a general understanding of where the other person is coming from.
-How to handle work + kids: Is someone going to stay home with the kids while the other parent works? What about daycare? Who’s going stay home with or pick up a sick kid?
-Careers: Are you willing to more across the contry if one spouse is offered a dream job? How do you plan to handle career changes?
-Vacations: Who picks? How often do you go? What kind of vacations do you like to go on?
-Short and long term goals: Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years? When do you want to have kids? Do you plan to travel a lot? Buy a house?
-Home: As in where do you want to live and for how long? Do you plan to buy a house? Keep renting? Don’t care? How do you plan to maintain your house? Will/do you have a chore list?
It might also be a good idea to talk about how to communicate your issues with each other. Sometimes we phrase things in a way that really annoys or upsets the other person. If someone has an issue with you, how would you like to be told? How do you dislike being told? What’s productive and what’s not?
I also HIGHLY recommend pre-martial counseling of some sort. It will make sure you’ve addressed all of the important topics and give you a common language for communicating. H and I have a solid relationship with no issues and we still found counseling super helpful.
Post # 12
Darling Husband and I went through these while we were engaged:276 Questions
Some categories that haven’t been mentioned included – Appearances, Friends, Politics, Community, Charity, Military, the Law, Media, Culture, Leisure, Education, Travel/Vacations, Transportation, Gender Roles (and others).
Some topics seem obvious, but it’s definitely important to discuss even the obvious ones (like kids and dealbreakers) because it makes you communicate and teaches you how to handle complicated or difficult topics.
Post # 13
This ties into family, but how much interaction you want with the families of origin. Like how much time you’ll spend with them, how involved they’ll be with your kids, how much financial support you’re willing to provide, what will happen with parents and older relatives as they age and cannot live independently.