Post # 1
I was raised Christian but around the age of 18 I quit going to church and started dating a non-christian guy. I told him that I wanted to wait to get married before I had sex but after about 2 years together I guess I gave in. We dated for about 6 years and planned to get married but I felt like I “grew up” and he didnt (he smoked weed, never had a steady job, didnt want to get a career etc…) so we broke up because I realized that was not the person i wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Unexpectanly soon after I met the perfect man, he is very handsome, has a great career, funny, sweet, loving and most importantly is a Godly man. Everything ever wanted in a man. When we started dating we decided to wait until we were married to become intimate. My dilemma is that he is very conservative and so we havent talked about if we were intimate with other people in the past. So I dont know if he thinks im a virgin or not. Personally i dont care if he is a virgin or not, the past is the past. But I dont know if for a man it is different. Should I tell him or just leave it out? I feel like I can tell him anything but this. What if he doesnt want to marry me? And I know that if he really loves me this issue shouldnt matter to him. But at the same time I feel like I should tell him just so everything is out in the open. Any advise?
Post # 3
I talked about this kind of thing when my Fiance and I talked about previous relationships- perhaps you could ask about previous girlfriends (if you haven’t already) and you know, if the subject comes up, so be it. Unless he asks, about it, I don’t think you need to feel obligated to make a point of saying something.
Post # 4
DO NOT TELL HIM.
I can refer to you to at least several hundred posts about a man “not getting over a girls past”.
Honesty is NOT always the best policy.
Post # 5
Yeesh. This is a tricky one. I’m not sure how confident I feel about telling you one way or another, BUT, if it’s his first time, there’s no way he’s going to know what to expect so he won’t notice. If it isn’t his first time, and he does notice, then y’all are in the same boat! Good luck, hun.
Post # 6
If he hasn’t asked, there are only 2 possibilities:
1. He doesn’t care/ doesn’t want to know.
2. The possibility hasn’t occurred to him, in which case he’s probably got some weird expectations and hangups that would make telling him a very bad idea.
Post # 7
I think that if he were to outright ask you then yes, tell him the truth but I don’t think you need to randomly volunteer this information.
Post # 8
Personally, I feel that honesty is the best policy. He may feel lied to and betrayed if you don’t tell him about your past and wait until your married to divulge the truth. I would be honest. If he truly loves you he should be able to accept your past.
Post # 9
Seriously? That many people think you should hide something like that from someone you could potentially marry?
I’m going to disagree with PPs. I think you should tell him, and here are a few reasons why.
1. For all you know, he’s been intimate in some way with another girl before and he’s embarrassed to bring it up to you.
2. Good communication is key to a good marriage. This is obviously a big deal to you, and you need to be able to talk to him about things that are bothering you, no matter how embarrassing.
3. What happens if you get married, and then on your wedding night or at any point in the future he finds out about your past and is upset that you never told him? I personally think it’s better to get everything out there and be honest. It’s easier to move past sticky situations when you’re honest about it, than when one person finds out later that the other was dishonest (or even just not upfront) about it.
4. If this guy truly loves you and wants to spend forever with you (not sure how long you’ve been dating but even if you two aren’t sure about marriage yet it still applies), he will be able to get through it. He might be upset, hurt, etc at first. But if he can’t accept you for who you are, then you need to find someone who will. The past has made you who you are, even if you’re not that same person anymore.
My Fiance and I had this type of conversation, though not exactly the same situation, within a month of dating. It was extremely awkward, but we moved past it and I think we’re better now for it, since we don’t have any secrets.
Post # 10
You and your new man are setting out with pure hearts and all the right desires. Just be honest with him and rededicate yourself to the Lord and to each other. You are not the only Bee who has had this happen 🙂
Please be honest with him. The Lord knows everything hidden and on your heart. You relationship should mirror Christ and his Bride the Church..you don’t want to have any secrets- they will all be made light eventually!
Post # 12
I think you should tell him. It’s obviously bothering you. Be prepared for him to react negatively, though. <3 Good luck.
Post # 13
I agree, this is a tough one. Since you are posting this on the Chirstian board, I feel compelled to tell you not to lie to him. You should always be honest with each other and keep a good line of communication between you. That being said, he may not feel it is his business or may not care to dwell on your past relationships. I do suggest that you two discuss sex before the big night. I think it’s smart to know what each other’s expectations are. It may be awkward, but it’s an important conversation to have. If he brings up “your virginity”, then I think you would need to let him know. Just my opinion:)
Post # 14
I personally would not bring it up unless he asks you. If he does ask, be truthful.
If he is the man you say he is, he will still love you and want to marry you regardless of your past.
Post # 15
my vote would be for not bringing it up, but telling him the truth if he asks.
Chances are if your virginity was a deal breaker, he would have asked you when you first started dating.
Some guys just don’t want to know either way and will never bring it up, and in that case, you telling him will just be uncomfortable and “oversharing”.
He might have “stuff” in his past he doesn’t want to bring up either, ya know?
Post # 16
I don’t agree that you just plain *shouldn’t* tell him… I think there is potential he could be very upset and feel like you lied to him (even though omission is different than blatant lying… etc)
I think that you should open up the conversation and see how open he is to it, like maybe by saying something like, “I know we’ve never really talked about this, and I suspect we both have done things in the past that we’ve regretted, but I was wondering if you would have any interest in talking about how far we’ve both gone with people we’ve dated, or if you just want to let the past be the past. Either way is fine with me.” Or something like that.