Post # 1
My Fiance wants to discuss having a pre-nup drawn up. Has anyone had one/planning on having one? What were your reasons to/not to?
Where I am coming from: It says that he doesn’t think that we are forever.
Where he is coming from: He wants a plan for worst case scenario.
If anything, the pre-nup would benefit me way more than it would him: I have less in student debt, a much, much larger inheritance estate, my job field has higher income levels, even if I were to leave for several years to have children. The pre-nup would outline benefits that I get from quitting job after children (which is something that we have agreed upon- I will be staying home with children until they are 5, which is not only my choice but his insistance that children not be in daycare) and that I be properly compensated for the time raising our children.
We don’t have many assets at this point: neither owns a house, I own a car that is only more valuable that his by about $4k, we have equal amounts in retirement.
I guess I don’t see the point- I’m in this forever (unless he were to become abusive, which I don’t forsee happening), being of personal and religious choice. His parents divorced when they were young and poor, so there was not some messy divorce that he remembers, and his father has been remarried for over 30 years. He does have some trust issues as he has said every previous girlfriend cheated on him, ending the relationships. I’ve had a similar history, and would not cheat because I know how badly it messed me up mentally. Other thing, we are both so financially strained right now that adding in lawyer fees would just add more stress and fees at a time when I’m stressing out that a coupon didn’t go thru and we paid full-price for, literally, a loaf of bread.
I’m not coming at anyone saying this is right or wrong and am not judging your decisions should you choose to have one/not have one- everyone has thier own situation, background, and reasons. I would just like some info and advice from the community as I don’t know anyone personally who had one or who has been divorced, and am confused as to what we should do. I want to go into this conversation knowing other people’s advice, reasonings, and what may be the best option for us to explore. Thank you in advance!!!
Post # 2
Beachy53: i don’t see the point since neither of you have anything of value. So since you will possibly end up owning a home together at some point, the pre-nup does not protect that, so again, I don’t see the point. I also don’t believe in pre-nups, like you pre-nups are for people who don’t think the relationship will last forever. Your fiance says he wants to prepare for the worst case scenario, so in his mind its a possibility and you aren’t even married yet.
I get it, a lot of couples don’t last forever, but lets be realistic, unless you each have a ton of assets to protect, than I don’t see the point.
Post # 3
I don’t see the point in your case. Really I only get it if someone owns a massively successful family business that could be broken up in a divorce or has kids from a prior relationship they want to make sure are protected. Your inheritance will still be yours alone, it’s not considered marital property unless you comingle it, so just keep it in a seperate account. I’m not into them in general because in no way shape or form do I want to make divorce be a convenient cut and dry pre planned option. Let the law of the land decide. Let it be a shitty/messy/painful/expensive option.
Post # 4
I wanted a prenup, not because one of us had more assets for the other, but because I saw my parents go through a THREE year divorce. And then they took each other BACK to court 10 years later and that lasted another three years.
Darling Husband didn’t want one, and I wasn’t so committed to having one that I pushed for it. The only thing that financially was different between the two of us was money Darling Husband made on the condo he sold before we were married and that he keeps in his own savings account, so that wasn’t even a concern. We did discuss drawing up paperwork before we were married when we purchased our house, but we never got around to it.
We may actually have to do a post nup for a company he is looking to start, in order to protect me. Of course if that happens, I will be having my own attorney look it over to make sure BOTH parties are equally protected should something happen to us.
Post # 5
Daizy914: Thanks for your reply! That is my attitude also, that there’s really no point without assets. We’ve shown each other all our accounts and loans and he swears that he’s not hiding any accounts (and I highly doubt we would be living where we currently are if he did have secret money).
I don’t think that he thinks he would be the one that wants out, but he’s been a bit over-stressed at work lately and it has him in a mindset thats not-so-good. He’s said in the past that he thinks of himself as a “good luck chuck” and that Im better than he deserves (despite my protests).
Post # 6
Beachy53: From a young age, my mother and I agreed that I would one day have a pre-nup. Then, after my now Darling Husband proposed, she contacted her atty to start the process. My Fiance knew, and I was ok with it. Then we got the letter from the atty detailing what was entailed (including my Fiance needing to get an atty, which we did not have the $ for) and that plus the wording included in the letter (the thought of breaking up was too much to handle) turned us off and we decided it wasn’t for us. My mom offered to pay for his atty fees, but we were still turned off to the process. I, like you, have a lot more to lose if anything should happen to my relationship. My mom did not fight or push after Fiance and I made the decision to not get a pre-nup but only said that it was my future children who would benefit, but that it was our decision and she would not push. That was that. I still think that pre-nups are practical and can be beneficial, but we opted out.
Post # 7
heputaringonit: thanks for the advice! Ive never heard of a post-nup but that may be something I could bring up to ease his mind should one of our circumstances significantly change after marriage!
Post # 8
We’re getting one, and while it was my idea he’s totally for it too.. we don’t like to be unprepared, and we know that if we ever get divorced, given how much we love each other, it’ll be so incredibly painful. Better we have some clear outline to follow to make it easier on us if we’re ever there, and this way while we’re both clear headed and in love we can make sure we’re both as generous as we’d like to be to each other (rather than as malicious many become during divorce).
Post # 9
We’ll be signing one. While we love each other and are fully committed, his family has built a buisness that has been around for 40 years. I know that should anything (g-d forbid) happen, I shouldn’t be entitled to it.
Post # 10
I think that they’re smart when one person has a ton of assets or other family members to protect, but in your situation, I wouldn’t worry about it. If he felt really strongly about it, I would probably give in, but I’m practical and understand that not all marriages last for a variety of reasons. That being said, we won’t have one. Fiance and I met at 18 and literally have built everything together. I don’t plan to take over the family business, my future inheritance would be separate, and I don’t believe that my retirement account would be at stake.
Post # 11
I will have an inheritance so I will have one. SO wasn’t thrilled at first as he thinks like you, it’s planning for a divorce, but he’s come around as he knows this is important to my dad. My sister had one and the process was pretty painless for her and my Brother-In-Law. They don’t even keep a copy of it in their house.
It’s not a fun topic, but I think in your case, since neither of you have significant assets, it may not be necessary.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t get one now, without assets, but I’d sure as hell get one before I left the workforce to care for children. Having a pre-nup doesn’t say “I don’t think we are forever.” It just says “I understand that not everyone lasts forever, no matter how badly they want to, and if we can’t stay together, I don’t want a bad situation to become worse.” It’s like how having a homeowner’s insurance policy on your house isn’t saying you actually think a tree is going to fall on your house… it’s just nice to know it is there “just in case.”
Post # 13
I actually asked my Fiance if he wants one because I’ll be the one with a stupid amount of student debt and he’ll be receiving a relatively large insurance claim just before we get married. I have no intention of divorcing him, obviously, but I just wanted to make sure the option was there. He said no.
Post # 14
We have a pre-nup, because my parents own a business. The only thing the pre-nup protects is my inheritance. As far as husband’s money and my own money go, what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine. When we have kids, we will have a trust drawn up where my inheritance would be passed down to our child(ren) should anything happen to me, regardless of my and my husband’s marital status.
My parents were the one that requested the pre-nup and my husband and I sat down with my parents to understand why. It’s not that they didn’t think we will last, but if for example, my husband and I did divorce and he remarried (and we didn’t have the pre-nup in place), my husband and this new wife could potentially have rights to my parents vacation homes. Can you imagine my brothers and I having to share my family property with my ex-husband and his new wife? Ick.
I know that’s an EXTREME example, but believe it or not, it happened to my mom’s aunt which is why they are super paranoid.
Post # 15
Beachy53: A prenup allows you and your Fiance the opportunity to decide how assets will be divided, and other terms of divorce. If you divorce without a prenup, those decisions will be made by a judge.
In our prenup, we included a clause that we could make changes to it in future if both parties agreed on the changes. Personally I wouldn’t get married without one. I do not want a complete stranger (a judge) to decide anything about my assets, or my spouse’s assets.