(Closed) Pre nup agreement

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you sign a prenup if you were not sure the marriage is going to last or not?
    would sign a prenup if i was not sure : (9 votes)
    22 %
    Would not sign a prenup evenif i was not sure i dont believe in pre nup : (10 votes)
    24 %
    Not get married at all : (22 votes)
    54 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    132 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    First, I’d like to start off this post by saying that what I’m about to post has nothing to do with your assertion that you would like to do "last resort, psychiatry." 🙂  I say this as I happen to be a psychiatrist.

    Now, with that out of the way, I think that there’s a lot more than what you originally stated in your first post.  Although you asked about the prenup, it sounds like now you are confused about the relationship in general.  I’d hate to say this, but perhaps this is not the right time to be making such a major decision in your life.  

    Coming out of a divorce is always emotionally traumatizing.  On top of this, it sounds like your Fiance has not treated you well at all.  You mention that he flirts and makes comments about other women, treats you disrespectfully, and seems to have very little concern about your feelings.  It’s important to take a step back and ask yourself if this is the relationship you want to have potentially for the rest of your life.  Unfortunately, the truth is that what you see in your Fiance will likely be his behavior after the marriage, and in most cases, things don’t get better.  If he’s emotionally neglectful or abusive towards you, there is NO good reason to get married in this situation.

    I don’t want to be the one to be so direct, but your Fiance has told you to your face that he doesn’t know if you’re the right person.  Before this, he didn’t even know if he ever wanted to be married.  This does not sound like a man who is ready for a commitment, much less one to you personally.  You can’t force a man to commit to someone, and certainly not to feel like you’re "the one."  This isn’t something you can rationalize.

    I know that life is tough for you right now, but it might be worth it to look into a loan for yourself so that you don’t have to make this kind of life changing decision.  I know it sounds like a hard thing to do, but keep in mind that most residents and doctors start their professional lives with six figure loans and still do just fine.  One other thing to consider is that most residencies PAY for your insurance once you start with them.  Realistically, you would only have to make it until then.

    I am very concerned(and I’m sure the hive is too) that you are considering marrying this man for temporary security.  However, keep in mind that this marriage could have longterm psychological effects on you.  You’re probably already dealing with the aftermath of being divorced once…do you really want to make that mistake twice?  

    Still, in the end, I want you to know that I, and all of us, are rooting for you.  I just want you to really think about what you’re doing, and how your stress maybe playing into your decisions.  You don’t want to do something you’ll regret.  If you yourself are unsure about marrying this man, then TAKE TIME to think about it.  Don’t rush into these things.

    Good luck!

    Post # 19
    Member
    41 posts
    Newbee

    Okay, so you’re studying for USMLE step one right now, so I would assume you are a medical student – don’t you have financial aid through your school as well as student health insurance? I’m going to take step one in July, so I understand the stress! Although I’m guessing you might be a foreign graduate who is trying to get licensed in the US? Then your situation is probably a bit more complicated. My advice though if you are currently a medical student is to go talk to your financial aid officer and see what they can do to help you out. Medical school makes you accrue massive debt, but your loans should cover your necessities like health insurance, and they should also allow for all the fees associated with the steps.

    Post # 21
    Member
    161 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    my sister is about to graduate from pharmacy school and my brother about to start med school, each one of them are paying for their education through educational loans (sister with loan upward of $100k and brother will be more as you can imagine.  You might want to look into them too, especially through the school you’re with, you will have to fill out some paperwork to determine which loan you are qualified for (they filled out the fafsa every year), but the form is easier to deal with than having to go through lawyers later for a divorce (not that I know how much that will cost, not to mention the stress involved).  My sister’s needs (educational fees as well as personal including rent and food, insurance and etc. covered by the amount of the loan she was given) was based on how much she can sustain herself.

    Getting a personal loan (with bofa) may be more difficult with the economy, but with an educational loan, they know you’re going to end up with a great paying job that the bank will be more at ease loaning money to you, plus, you may be qualified for federal loans which has lower interest rates depending on the type of loans you can qualify for.  You will need to provide three references, so hopefully your friends/family can be yours.  Please look into that first.  Its never good to be at the mercy of someone who isn’t 100% devoted to you and looking out for your best interest first.  The guy you’re talking about sounds like a douche and probably why he hasn’t the greatest luck socially (who hits on another girl while he’s with his girlfriend? someone who has no respect for himself..much less other people!).  The way I see it, he’s a loser and wouldn’t take care of you for too long anyways ..look for ways to secure the loans so you can complete your education.  You can do it..there are ways, you just have to find one that fits you more favorably! Good luck to you. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    321 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    (((((hugs)))))

    Does your family know about your situation or the treatment you receive from you partner?

    For your own personal worth and sanity, he is not worth it. He is clearly missing all the sensitivity chips. 

    I learned a wonderful couple of messages from a dear friend ages ago:

    You must be unafraid to be yourself.

    And you will be loved for being that person.

    He must earn you everyday.

    And finally,

    If you only do what you’ve always done, then you’ll only get what you’ve already got.

    There is help out there. There is love and support and there is honestly true love that makes you feel like the only woman in the room.

     

    Post # 23
    Member
    1573 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    wow doesn’t sound like he’s someone in love with you; he didn’t introduce you to family?? he danceed with another woman and not you, he calls other women attractive, I don’t know but to me these scream red flags, you should have no doubts, sounds like you’re making excuses, he’s socailly awkward etc, a man should make you feel happy and loved sounds like you’re miserable, he watches funny videos when you’re crying??!!

     

    Is this the kind of behavior you want when you’re married?  I think you are clouded by your emotions but sounds like even you yourself knows something is missing and wrong, just my two cents

     

    I hate to say it but sounds like he’s not that into you; read the book, all the signs are there, I was the same way blinded by love and couldn’t  let go because I was so in love, I would make excuses, he’s too detached, his family messed him up, it’s ok he’s having a bad day etc…My ex-flame I was with for 4 years I never met his family, another ex treated me really badly breaking up making up breaking up; now I’m with a guy where I met his whloe entire clan and his two best friends, his second cousins his grandparents, he makes me feel loved and happy, h emakes me feel treasured I see the difference with the other guys I was with they were not that into me, they were not in love with me

     

     

    You deserve to be treated how you want to be treated, please please please do not settle for anything less if you are having doubts there is  a reason why, listen to your heart is this the kind of treatment you really want?  If in your heart you know you truly deserve to be loved and respected and treated well then it will happen, please don’t settle for anything less,  I know you have a kids, loans, but you should marry for love, that’s just my take

    Post # 24
    Member
    14181 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    You can get a loan for all that! You don’t need your Boyfriend or Best Friend to financially support you. Loans to help you out while you’re in medical school/residency/etc are low interest for a reason. Go talk to your school counselor. That’s why they are there and they will help you out.

    That being said, if you don’t know you want to marry him, then why are you considering it? Do you LOVE him? Or are you IN LOVE with him? Two very different things. 

    Your boyfriend sounds like a piece of work. He is not anti-social, he is being a big JERK. And I think you should move on. He is bringing you down. He should support you, not "make sure you go through things". 

    If you have a strong feeling it’s not working out…well, i think that’s a big hint! I think you should dump the crappy boyfriend, work out your personal issues (money, divorce, etc) and take care of YOURSELF. You will be financially ok, i just think you need to find the right venues and somebody at your university should help you with insurance etc. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    2004 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    1. Talk to your financial aid people at your school about your money problems. They will be much more familiar with the applicable opportunities for loans and laws in your state.

    2. As for the domestic partnerships being recognized by his insurance at his employer, at my company you have to be living with the person in a committed relationship to qualify. Since you are living in another state I would guess that you probably won’t qualify.

    3. You asked if his behavior constitutes abuse. I’ll describe the cycle of abuse for you and insert any relevant examples I see from what you’ve written.

    Well, in the cycle of abuse, things start off good or normal, like a regular relationship. But then problem behaviors start to creep in.

    First the abuser hurts you in emotional, physical, or financial ways. He denies you love (flirts with other women right in front of you and maintains profiles on dating sites), tries to control your behavior (comes to visit to make sure you get the abortion, or after you’ve fought about a pre-nup), isolates you (like what happened at his sister’s wedding where he hid you), ignores your feelings (watching youtube while you cry), and tries to control you financially (says he’ll marry you but no pre-nup…because if you divorce then he can take you for half your money, but he wouldn’t do the same for you if he was the potential big earner. He’s trying to play you for a sucker.).

    In the second stage of abuse, you have gotten upset. To fix it, the abuser makes excuses for himself. He says he’s socially awkward, he’s never been in a real relationship before, he’s on dating sites just to find friends, he sees nothing wrong with dancing and flirting with other women at his sister’s wedding and pretending you don’t exist. He sounds like he’s apologizing so you forgive him. He figures, how can you blame him for being socially awkward? It’s the perfect excuse and you’re buying it.

    In the third stage, he feels a bit guilty and you’re maybe still upset, so he turns on the charm. For example, after never wanting to come to visit, after you make a big deal about the pre-nup, he comes to visit. After you get pregnant, he comes to visit…to make sure you get the abortion. He probably apologizes and says he’ll change. He’ll talk about marriage, but only in the future. If you press him for details, though, you’ll only find excuses (it’s not the right time, you’re not the right person).

    After this, there is a period of cooling off and normalcy, but then the abuse cycle repeats. Sooner or later, his old behaviors creep back in and you find yourself back where you started, with him treating you poorly.

    Just because you put in time with a person/relationship does not mean it is meant to go to the next level. You say you want to marry him and start a family, but I think moreso you want to be married and you want to have a family. He is who you’re with so you assume that it has to be with him, but I think you are projecting your desires for marriage and family onto this guy. He is a jerk. He treats you poorly. He’s willing to marry you but only in the case that he can take you for half of the bunch of money you’ll be worth after you’ve become a doctor, should you divorce. You said yourself that the other option you are considering is breaking up with him to focus on your career, that you have a gut feeling this isn’t working, and I think that’s exactly what you should do.

    Post # 27
    Member
    7052 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Ok.  I’m also confused here and would like to suggest something that hasn’t been discussed yet.

    You say you’ve been with him two years yet you ARE DIVORCING YOUR H NOW?  Were you two together when you were married?  

    Also, my concern is WHERE IS THE WORD LOVE in any of this?  I hear this guy wants to date other women.  Doesn’t really want a committment from you, etc., might want one in the future. 

    There are ways to obtain health insurance and some companies that can insure individuals too. 

    My suggestion is GET DIVORCED..figure out why you got divorced, work on you, and when the time’s right, date again and then only then consider marriage when you’re healed.  This is coming from somebody who was divorced.  I could NOT have imagined dating somebody or remarrying immediately after my divorce.  

     

    Post # 28
    Member
    7081 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2009

    Drshah- I think you are in a really tough spot financially and looking for this man to get you out of it.  I know that resources and support for FMGs is quite limited, and many of my friends who are senior physicians in their home country work as OR techs or care coordinators here while trying to get through all the hoops to get into a program that takes FMGs.

    There must be an online support group for FMGs that details the resources available to you.  I would suggest doing a google search looking for these.

    Hopefully, the solutions you find don’t involve this guy.  I earnestly wish you luck.

    Post # 29
    Member
    1573 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I am a foreign graduate I finished in the philippines but I was born here and moved when I was 10,  I lived with my parents before I passed my tests so no worries about paying rent.

     

    Don’t know if you would be approved for a loan you would have to be studying, here  my brother got a student loan but that was because he did rotations as a medical student, I do not think it would apply to you, one option is move back home so you can focus on studying and not worry about payment; when I applied I worked to pay rent, first as a waitress, the found a job as a post-doctoral research fellowship after volunteering in a lab and got paid more so could pay for interviews and rent and other application expense, I relied on myself for money but I did initially move in with my bro who was a resident then me and my sis found a cheap place and split rent of $200 each  back in Virginia.

     

    Going to be hard to apply for a loan, good luck to you. One option is sell your car, move in with a roommate, to save rent work part-time for bills and study the rest of the day, you have to help yourself. It’s doable, you need to explore you other options.

    Even if you get a loan there’s no guarantee you”ll get a job right away as a resident, just my two cents, I have one friend who has applied 3 years in a  row. Not to sound negative, just being the devil’s advocate.

    Post # 30
    Bee
    979 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

    You would not be making a wise decision to marry this man.

    Post # 31
    Member
    132 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    You asked me about abuse earlier, but I will echo chelseamorning’s definition and examples.  I think too many people(including men) forget the abuse doesn’t have to leave physical marks.  Many of the most damaging and lifelong injuries cannot be seen by others, but felt by you forever.

    I am glad to see that you really took the time to read all of our comments – I think that you understand we are not here to be judgmental, but to provide support and encouragement.  None of us would want to see you make a decision like this without thorough thought and consideration of other options.

    I agree with some of the other posters about looking for loans.  If you have a medical school nearby, you can even see if you can make an appointment with their financial aid department to see about any options they can think of.  You can tell them you are considering their school(even if not) and need some options about how to fund your education.

    In the meantime, here’s a suggestion.  With your background, you have enough education to at least get another fairly well-paying part-time job.  I know in this economy it will be hard to find something quickly, but even if you have to work at a grocery store or something similar, it’s still a job, and it’s still financial security.

    Try asking your department for research work in other departments or labs.  I’m assuming you’re here on some type of F1 or work visa, so you would be required to work.  If you explain your situation to the department or educational institution you’re attached to, I’m sure they’ll help you out any way they can.  Most research positions have skills that overlap.

    I know that your situation is extremely tough, and being an IMG doesn’t help at all.  However, one thing I’ve noticed from my IMG peers is that if you take the time to be aggressive and actively look for work(especially within the same institution…but perhaps in a different department), there’s usually something out there.

    I hope that some of these suggestions help!  Keep looking forward…it will get better.

    The topic ‘Pre nup agreement’ is closed to new replies.

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