Post # 1
I am not yet engaged, but all signs are pointing in that direction. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we’ve lived together for a year of that.
I am 31 and divorced. I wasn’t married long and my first husband began seeing someone else pretty soon after our wedding. It was a shocking and horrible experience to go through and has really shaken my vision of what marriage “means”. Luckily, we didn’t share assets and had been married a short time so there was minimal financial damage there.
Because of that, I feel the need to protect my assets if I move forward with a second marriage. I hate that I’m even feeling that this is a big issue – I wish I had some of that youthful optimism back. 🙂 But now that I’ve been through something unexpected and negative with my first marriage, I just feel strongly that I’ll need a pre-nup if marry again.
I used to think of pre-nups as something that Donald Trump would need. Ha! I never envisioned that I would be considering one. But, as time has gone by, I’ve bought a house, have investments, have fairly substantial savings.
What I am concerned about is – when to tell my boyfriend that I would like one. After we get engaged? Before? What would you do? I don’t want it to be a surprised, but I also don’t want to harp on it if we’re still a year away from engagement.
I would appreciate any words of wisdom on the issue. Thanks!
Post # 3
Everyone should look into a Prenup. Not necessairly get one but there is a lot of mis conception about one. Not only the rich and famous need prenups.
Everyone should read through this http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage/
It expliains things in real language and not all Lawyer mumbo jumbo. My dad who is a lawyer always points people to this site for a great explination.
I don’t think I would mention it to your BF until you know you are engaged.
Post # 4
I would bring it up with any engagement/marriage talk.
If my FH dropped a pre-nup on me after we were already engaged I would be very angry, and would consider not getting married. Seriously, this is just as important as any other marriage values discussion, and your SO should have a chance to examine their feeling towards it and decide how they would want to proceed if you are going to insist on one.
Post # 5
I totally agree with Ms Mini–totally should be done before the engagement. Make sure he is full aware of what you will expect from him if you were to marry him.
Post # 6
So to bring it up before we’re engaged, how would that go? Just say, if we ever get married, I would like to protect my assets with a prenup? It just seems odd to bring it up beforehand since I don’t know if we’re going to get married.
Post # 7
I would assume that you guys have discussed marriage at some point to be even thinking that engagement and marriage is coming. It would be odd to be thinking that it was happening without having had “when we are married” “at our wedding” etc come up … Whenever future marriage comes up next – make sure he is aware that you will want a pre-nup to protect your assets.
Post # 8
I agree with Ms Mini – if you are thinking you might get engaged, presumably that’s because you’ve talked about it at some point so I think it would be ok to bring it up. For DH and I we had this talk pretty early on because a year into our relationship his ex tried to sue him. So we had to address the issue of assets and what we were entitled to a long time before we were engaged. Do you think your boyfriend would want one too, I mean does he have assets or property that you assume he would also want to protect? Do you guys ever talk about savings or finances in general? Next time a topic like that comes up I would mention the pre nup. If you want to mention it sooner rather than later you could say “you know how we were talking the other day about the house/getting married/retirement, well I’ve been thinking…” and just see how it goes from there.
Post # 9
I agree that this should be brought up before engagement… If you have the feeling like it’s going to happen soon, it probably will.
I am all for prenups. A prenup is like life insurance. You may never use it, but it’s a good backup plan in the event of a terrible situation. Since your first marriage ended, you know this all too well.
Bring it up with him & have no shame when it comes to protecting yourself. 🙂
Post # 10
HA! I told FH that if i ever got married it would be the 1st thing I did! He new VERY early on that the house(houses) will always be mine and mind only. Hes totally fine with it, he understands. But he also doesnt pay 1/2 the bills he only pays “rent”
Post # 11
We are definitely have one, FH’s ex took him to the cleaners and he would like one to use as his wooby.
Post # 12
I agree with Ms.Caniche, you should really look into the laws in your state before going the route of a prenup. Some states protect pre-marital assets, and you may need one.
As far as talking to him about it, it should be done before any engagement could happen. My SO and I have discussed it because of inheritance he will be getting at some point, but we looked into it and found out our state doesn’t consider that joint property even if it is recieved during marriage, so we won’t be needing one.
Post # 13
Bring it up before–it may even help to bring him to a meeting or give him some information up front so he doesn’t think prenup=you don’t trust me. I had mentioned a prenup to my now-husband a very long time ago, but found out that because of the circumstances, it wasn’t even necessary (my parents wanted me to have one because of family money/inheritances, but it turns out if it’s set up in a trust it’s not an issue, so it was all moot) and at first he was like, “WHAT?! You want a prenup?! Why?!?!?” and once i explained it to him he said, “oh, yeah that’s fine. I hope we never need it and if it makes you and your family more comfortable, i’ll sign one. I’m not marrying you for your parents’ money”.
I was pleasantly surprised at how logical the conversation went. So learn all you can, see if you actually need one, then approach the topic lightly.
Next time you’re talking about wedding stuff (or, you feel it’s a good time), say, “listen, i have something serious to talk about and it may bristle your feathers a little at first but i want you to hear me out. I know we’ve talked about being engaged, but I want you to know I want to get a pre-nup before we get married. It’s not because I don’t trust you, it’s because ____ blah blah blah, whtever” just say you have something serious to talk about so he has your full attention. And get your feelings on it straight so you can explain why you want one. Tell him that hopefully you’ll never need it–the only time you WILL need it, is if soemthing does happen. If not, it stays far far away.
Post # 14
@mcnetn- Did a lawyer tell you this? Some states will consider inheritances marital property if the funds are co-mingled in any way. I’m always wary of looking up information online.