- 4 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
It’s about two weeks until my wedding and I just have this horrible feeling.
I feel so overwhelemd! Our wedding is destination in MN and we just moved to CO and I feel so lost. I don’t have a job, we moved for his job, my family here has all moved on into their own lives, and I wake up every morning wondering what I am doing here.
Gifts have started to arrive and I’m getting emails from my in laws about their excitement for the wedding. But it is stange, the last ten months I’ve been excited and planning the wedding and had this idea in my head that it would feel like this big family reunion and everyone would be happy, but since our move I just feel so scared, like I want to run away.
I literally have thought about leaving our apartment or going abroad to graduate school. I just don’t feel like I have anything here in our new city for me. I grew up here and thought it would be a happy homecoming but I feel very isoalted and distant and removed from my previous life here as a young adult and child. I’ve never been so unhappy in my own town.
The career I worked on for the last two years doesn’t exist here, all my family members are in committed and happy relationships and I just feel sort of blah.
Nothing is wrong per se – everyone is healthy, my fiance provides wonderfully for us and our apartment and everything is taken care of but I have this anxiety and sort of feel like a ghost. It is such an uncomfortable feeling and compounded by my family having changed so much over the last two years while I lived away, not having a job in my field (arts/design) and feeling really displaced.
Now the wedding is two weeks away and my mind is wrapped up in all these other anxieties. I feel so unstable and unsettled that it is hard for me to focus on our relationship or the impending wedding as a soruce of joy rather than frustration.
I know I would feel better if our apartment was finished, I had a job and a routine in this new place we’ve been living in for two weeks, but I don’t.
I feel so removed from who I once was living here in Colorado and not as close to my family and it makes me very sad. I feel so disconnected and like I am going through the motions but there is this glass wall.
I blaime my fiance sometimes because I feel like if we hadn’t moved here I would be able to come back and visit and have everything be the same but now everything has changed and I resent that I don’t have the same connection with my family. I feel like he gets in the way, or our new life together does and I don’t like it.
I don’t know if it is selfish and transitional pains or what but sometimes I just want to scream. I just don’t want to be here with him. This is my family’s town and I come here to be with them and right now I feel like I have to focus so much on him and I’m so annoyed!
I’ve been reading through other people’s posts and we’ve had a very rocky, disjointed past. We met at 24 and are 31 now. We’ve been living together for two years and we’re long distance friends before that. We dated for a spring when we were 24 and then he moved away and long distance didn’t work for me and I ended up meeting someone locally and decided to call things off with him.
Two years ago we’d both been in dissapointing relationships and decided perhaps we would rekindle our fire. Unfortunately, we learned things about each other in the last two years that neither one of us likes. He slept with someone a week before I moved across country to be with him because he did not think I would actually show up since at 24 I had said I would move to where he was and I freaked out and didn’t.
For my part, I was so lonely once I did move to where he was that I started seeing old friends associated with a previous relationship and saw my ex. When I told my guy that I had seen my ex and something had happened and I was sorry he admitted that he slept with someone a week before I moved across country to be with him.
Since those confessions, we’ve never really been the same. Things don’t feel special. I think the youthful idealism we had at 24 when we were happy has been stripped away to this raw reality and it is very frustrating.
We’ve both invested a lot of emotion and good-will into each other butI feel like we both resent each other and since we know all of each other’s short comings and mis-steps we don’t have rose colored glasses anymore.
Maybe this is the reality of relationships but something about it just feels icky. Sometimes I just want to cry when I learned that he cheated on me (drunk) before moving across country. I know that the incident was more about him and not feeling loved from a previous relationship but to me if feels personal. That he wouldn’t be honest with me before I changed my life and moved across country for him.
It makes me sad and it makes me respect him less. I know he isn’t perfect but I feel so dissapointed in him. Everyone is so excited for us but I feel a deep sadness. I don’t treat him super well because I am so stressed and uncomfortable.
I just don’t know if I can physically live in the same space as he can for the rest of my life. I don’t feel like he brings much warmth or love to our household. I’m sure he does as outsideres think he is so wonderful but I just feel so hung up on this cheating in our past. He just isn’t the same person to me.
I don’t have starry eyes about him and resent that I am expected to have sex with him. It doesn’t feel like love anymore, more duty. Is this a tough phase or patch?
Why can’t I just be excited and happy? He supports me, and is kind and thoughtful but when I express my dissapointment or unhappiness he just gets so upset or tells me to go do what I want on my own (grad school, or whatever makes me happy). I just don’t feel like we’re in it together or that we have the same needs at home or desires as a couple.
He is an extrovert and loves music and socializing and I am more introverted and enjoy deeper relationships so we don’t unwind in the same way. I am also very neat and organized and he could have piles and piles of things.
Is this cold feet because the wedding is two weeks away?
I keep flashing back to my ex who was clean and neat and honest (brutally) and wonder if I would be happier with him. Why can’t I be happy? What is wrong with me?