Post # 1
Okay bees, need your knowledgeable insight.
So I am just over 4 months away from the big day, and until now i would have a few nightmares a few nights in a row here and there but nothing too severe. Lately though, not only am I still having nightmares, but they are turning into daily waking thoughts/ doubts about getting married/ getting married to my fiancé.
Ive done a lot of research and have found it is actually healthy to have these doubts as it is such a massive life commitment and all. And from evaluating my relationship and my fiance since I have come to the conclusion I am definitely making the right decision, however I still have these doubts and feelings occasionally.
A bit of background on me and my fiance : i will be 21 by the time we are married and he will be 23, we are honestly perfect together, everyone has said so and we agree, and in the past 2 years we have only fought about 4 times. We are great with communication about anything and everything. We live together and are building our first home as well, and we have lived together for about 1.5 years By the time we are married.
He honestly is my other half, and most of the time i am dead certain about him, but whenever anything happens now or i learn something new about him or his behaviour or whatever i keeptl thinking that i am commiting to this for the rest of my life, even though whatever i have noticed may be a minor insignificant thing. I am still having nightmares about him leaving or betraying me even though i have never doubted his loyalty to me, and i just have this doubt in the back of my mind.
During my life i have had a history of being a bit self sabotaging as well as being cheated on and manipulated and stuff, and maybe that has to do with this doubt.
From my studies and also from being a phsych student on and off for the kast 2 years i know that doubt doesnt always mean dont especially when it comes to a marriage, but i just want to stop feeling and thinking like this because i know he is the one.
Any bees had pre wedding doubts? How did you make sure it didnt actually sabotage your relationship?
Post # 2
I sometimes wonder if I’m doing the right thing. But not most of the time. However, that doesn’t mean it’s not right to get married if you’re thinking those thoughts. It’s an emotional time for you.
Post # 3
I dunno, I didn’t have any doubts at all about marrying my husband so I can’t say I can relate… I would think if you’re having doubts, they are there for a reason. I wouldn’t ignore them or assume they are normal. I would talk about them either with a therapist or even your fiance.
Post # 4
I have discussed it with my fi and a councillor as well as done research, and i can onky inagine its my already intense anxiety disorder mixed with past relationship failures and the worry that my age might be a factor in being too immature to see certain things or whatever. I dont doubt i love him or that he is the one most of the time, but when i have nightmares or i think about the comitment im making i start wondering if i am making the right choice.
Post # 5
I would invest in counseling because if you are learning new things about your future husband that make you nervous about him specifically (not just the idea of marriage) then they should be worked out. Obviously getting married is a little scary-its a huge commitment you only make once! But,if thats where your worries lie, then let them lie. Think about it in the terms of what can I do today to make my relationship better tomorrow, not will we still be “this happy (or whatever)” in 70 years. Because you can’t predict or control that far into the future and can only do things little by little.
Consider reading “a practical wedding” which helped me!
Post # 6
I personally wouldnt move forward feeling like that. Your whole subconscious is telling you NO, and I think our guts are much wiser than our minds.
And you’re only 21.. Why don’t you guys just wait a few years? You’d still be marrying young 4 years from now. I just can’t get my head around marrying that young and it sounds like a part of you can’t either.
Post # 7
can you talk to your mom or a mother figure about it ?
Post # 8
you shouldn’t still be learning things about your fiance that bother you, or be nervous about marrying him. I personally would not have gotten married if I’ve had any doubt about it, it’s too big of a commitment.
maybe postpone the wedding, and spend a couple more years getting to know each other and enjoying Time together. You’re both young, what’s the rush?
Post # 9
I don’t doubt marrying my Fiance for one second. Ever. The only anxiety I have about the wedding is being the full-blown center of attention for an entire day… yikes! I think if you’re having recurring nightmares, your subconscience is trying to tell you something. Trust your gut, it’s hardly ever wrong. Pre-wedding jitters are normal. Serious anxiety, nightmares, and waking doubts is not.
When you say “by the time we’re married I’ll be 21” meaning you are currently TWENTY YEARS OLD. You aren’t even out of school yet. God girl, I’m doubting it for you! You truly don’t even know yourself at 20 years old. And it’s not to say you two need to break up, if you’re serious about “being together forever” then you’ll still be together 5 years from now and can get married then. There’s no reason to rush this. Especially when you’re gut is telling you it’s not right.
Post # 10
I did not have any doubts. If you are still learning new things about him that give you pause, you should put the brakes on this and get to know each other better before making a lifelong commitment.
Post # 11
When I married my husband I was 22, he was 22 almost 23, and we never had any doubts about marrying each other. We wanted to get married so badly! If you are having these second thoughts and doubts I don’t think you should get married. Re-evaluate your relationship, take sometime for yourself, I don’t want you to regret your decision in a couple of years.
Post # 12
We are all different and in the pre-wedding phase it’s absolutely normal to have some doubts, especially if you tend to be an anxious person.
Post # 13
“People think everybody has premarital doubts and you don’t have to worry about them,” Justin Lavner, a UCLA doctoral student in psychology who led the study, said in a statement. “We found they are common but not benign. Newlywed wives who had doubts about getting married before their wedding were two-and-a-half times more likely to divorce four years later than wives without these doubts. Among couples still married after four years, husbands and wives with doubts were significantly less satisfied with their marriage than those without doubts. “
Post # 14
I don’t agree with most of these PP but maybe that’s b/c I have had a lot of anxiety and “doubts” if you will about my upcoming wedding also. I know I am doing the right thing when I think of it logically and I think it’s more abnormal to not second guess your choice at all, I mean forever is a loooonnng time! You are quite young though so it couldn’t hurt to wait if you aren’t sure.
Post # 15
I didn’t have any doubts and neither did my husband. We were together for 10 years before getting married. We had established our lives together, knew each other well, had joint goals and many, many discussions. We knew what we were committing to and what we were working toward. Two years into marriage and twelve years together, we are very happy, have a strong relationship and still no doubts or regrets.
I am not saying minor doubts necessarily translate to major red flags necessarily. However, if you have mulitiple or consistent doubts, that is a sign you need to be re-evaluating your relationship and decisions. I am not saying you need to date for a decade before getting married, but if you have put in the time, effort and energy, then you should be doubting your choices a lot. It’s a huge committment, but there are ways of being confident in your decision.
+1 I completely agree.