Thank you all for your Comments.
i am taking this all on board.
just to add more detail/ clear things up, i have had a major anxiety disorder since around 12.To the point where if i get the smallest amount of constructive critisism at work my mind goes into overdrive wondering if it means i will get fired, even though rationally i knoe that isnt true.
i have always been this way and being cheated on and treated badly in my past relationship that lasted 4 years also has made me have anxieties about every guy since. My current fiance has always made sure to let me know he loves me and i do feel secure and trust his loyalty- rationally. The dreams and doubts and stuff all seem to be subconcious or in the back of my mind and since they have gotten more frequent im actually thinking about them now rather thsn dismissing them.
yes i am on medication and therapy for my anxiety.
the little things about his behaviour and stuff are honestly not even massive things. One of them is he gets defensive whenever he thinks i am blaming him for somethinf that isnt his fault. Which is normal since it wasnt his fault. Its just something my mind goes into overdrive wondering all the possibilites of what that behaviour means and thinking there is more behind it than meets the eye which especially in that case isnt true. Its not so much new things are arising but that i am assigning meaning to things that arent necessary to do so.
I think because of my anxiety i run all possibilities in my head of what things mean and possible outcones and then plan/ focus on the worst options as a safety mechanism, but it is extremely draining and i dont want it to affect my relationship.
i have no doubt that he is perfect for me. We are literally the oppisite sex version of each other and everything works perfevtly majority of the time and when it doesnt we work through it quickly and efficiently and work towards bettering whatever the issue is.
i do understabd we are young and i guess part of my worry is i will change a lot over the next few years. But i cant see it changing how i feel about him, and then again maybe im not mature enough to see it would.
we wanted to get narried this year because we both want to start having children youngish- by 25, and it is important to both of us to be married before then and have had a bit of married time just the two of us.
Also we now are builidng a house together and i would prefer to be married by the time we move in, which we will be if things go to plan.
i feel like it isnt so much to do with him but me and my internal anxiety. He is a very face value person. what you see is what you get abd especially sfter living with him over a year and spending majority if not all our free time together i do know that sont change, i guess i just worry i could be wrong and he may change for the worse so i try and find evidence of it where it isnt to sort of prepare myself?
Sorry for the long post but i hope that clears some stuff up. I really dont think its him i think its me abd my mind.
I have talked to ky mother who is a good judge of character and she has never liked any of my partners until my fi. And i have told my fi about my insecurity and eorries and he does everything to reassure me and make me feel safe and secure. He has never dine anythjng to make me doubt him.
i really think this is all in me to be honest.