- 5 years ago
OK, so before I begin I want to apologize in advance if I go on venting tangents in this post, but I’m sure there are other future brides out there that feel or have felt the same way I do. I’m hoping to get some words of encouragement to make the dark cloud over my head disappear because I’m tired of being the depressed bride-to-be.
So again, I’m really not trying to throw a pity party here, but just giving some background on some of the reasons why I’m so blue to see if anyone can relate.
I’ve been engaged since Christmas 2012, and now I’m one month away from my wedding and I’m absolutely miserable. I’ve hated (almost) every single of the wedding planning process. I was never the girl who dreamed of my wedding and never put pressure on my fiance because I dreaded the whole idea of planning a wedding. Once I was engaged I tried to be positive, thinking it could be fun, but it turned out to be worse than I expected.
If my fiance and I had it our way, we’d be doing a small destination wedding somewhere tropical, but neither of our fathers will step on a plane. So, we sucked it up, picked a location, and here we are: a month away from the big day with no going back. We’re still trying to keep it simple/inexpensive so that we could spend more on the honeymoon… but even with cutting corners wherever possible we’re still well over our budget.
Also, I have no help in any of the planning. I’ve been purposely keeping my mom at an arm’s length because she can be incredibly opinionated and will give guilt trips if she doesn’t get her way. She made my sister cry almost weekly while she was planning her wedding, so I knew I didn’t want to deal with that added stress. Then, now that I’m 32, most of my bridesmaids have kids or attending grad school ontop of a full time job and have little time to help. So, I’ve been doing it all myself while taking on a promotion at work that has doubled my stress ontop of wedding planning and I’m not only miserable, but I now rely on sleeping pills to keep me from waking up with anxiety attacks… and I still wake up once or twice a night.
Ontop of it all, I haven’t had the energy or time to work out, so I’ve lost no weight and feel awful and embarrassed about myself. Now I’m worried that I’ll end up hating the one thing we splurged on – the photographer. There’s only so much photoshop can do, especially standing next to my skinny bridesmaids! Thankfully I didn’t order my dress a size smaller, so I guess that’s a plus.
I’m to the point of stress that the slightest thing will set me off, and for being a normally tough-as-nails girl, I’ve had crying explosions over the past few months over things that I would normally just brush off. I even ended my bachelorette party in tears. Prior to this year, my fiance has only seen me cry once when my grandma died. He’s now seen or heard about me breaking down in tears at least 4 times since January.
I still feel like I have a zillion things to do in the next month and no time to do it. I spent 4 HOURS at Hobby Lobby and Michael’s today looking for centerpiece and placecard inspirations and got completely overwhelmed and had to leave the store with only two small bags of non-centerpiece items. (Cue Price is Right Whomp Whomp Whomp Whomp music…) While I want to keep things simple, I also want to have some clever, unique touches to the evening. Pinterest has failed me! Who has time for these DIY projects???
I love my fiance. We’ve been together over 5 years, have lived together for 3.5 years, and I have no doubts or lack of confidence in my love for him or his love for me, but I feel like this should be one of the happiest times of my life and I can’t even force myself to be excited because I’m too stressed to care. The only things I’ve enjoyed in this whole process is working on our wedding playlist (I don’t even know why we’re paying a DJ) and planning the honeymoon… I can’t WAIT to go on this honeymoon and escape invites and flowers and chiffon and planning spreadsheets without looking back!
Can anyone else out there relate? Has anyone found a happy place or mantra to get through this with a (real) smile? If you can’t tell, I’m desperate for guidance and/or encouragement. I even started seeing a therapist a year ago to deal with my anxiety and that has pretty much been a waste of money (wish I had it back so I could pay off this wedding!). My fiance is doing his best to keep me calm, but I think he’s starting to get concerned.
Please tell me I’m not the only one in this boat…