(Closed) Preacher won't marry us

posted 9 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 17
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

In my state, a notary public can marry a couple.  We aren’t religious, so we had the innkeeper at the b&b where we got married perform the ceremony, as she is a notary.  Would something like that be an option for you?  I think you can hire judges to do it as well.

Post # 18
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Sorry to thread jack for a second…

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@penguinof3: I am from the QCA too (IL side)!!! I live in SO ILL now though…glad to see someone else on here from the area!

Back on topic…

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@CaseyGail09: This happens in many churches. I’m surprised the PP said her Catholic Priest is still marrying her even though they live together because that is not very common either. Churches get to make the decision if they will marry you or not-it’s their right. Often times, priest or pastor won’t marry you unless you belong to that church.

Post # 19
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If you know that you will be together till death do you part then you can go without living together before marriage. If you want this pastor and only this pastor to marry you then you may very well have to do what he says….if not I’d find someone else.

Post # 20
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My borther is an Adventist minister and he cannot/will not marry my Fiance and I because the church does not allow an Adventist to marry a non-Adventist. Surprisingly tho’, the church would allow him to marry two non-adventists/non-christians. So check other churches to find one that has rules that allow their ministers to marry non-christians/non-members.

Post # 21
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It’s very wise to live with your Fiance before you get married.  Then you know you can definitely live with each other.  I would DEFINITELY look in to getting married at a different church or even at a different venue other than a church.

Is a church wedding very important to you?  If not, there’s no hard & fast rule that says you have to get married in a church.  We’re having our ceremony & reception at the same place.  Cuts way down on the cost.  The minister is going to meet us there.  We found a minister who would marry us at our venue and she’s wonderful.  She gave us examples of vows and let us choose how we wanted to word the whole ceremony.

Don’t stick yourself with someone who is already being adversarial.  You want your day to be happy & enjoyable.

Good luck!

Post # 22
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

This is not a baptist thing this a that minister thing I am Baptist and was married by my Baptist minister and my husband and I lived to gether before we married… if he doesn’t want to marry you than find another minister. there are baptist preachers that will marry you.

Post # 23
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Are you getting married in a church? If you’re not, look for a non-religious officiant. I can’t stand people who judge people for their personal lives. I think living together before marriage is a really good idea, and I’d look for a different officiant. Good luck!

Post # 24
Member
3695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We had a similar issue with our wedding. The elders at my home church would not allow my husband and I to be married by one of their pastors because I am a professed Christian and he is, shall we say, still seeking.  We respect each other’s views (though of course I pray he “sees the light”) and he goes to church with me and has agreed to raise our future children in the church. 

My parents left the church not because of that – they are right that the Bible warns us to not be unequally yoked.  But because the pastor told my parents “well, they could be married if they were both UNbelievers (in the church!).”  Then he told my parents that his advice was to pray against the relationship (not to save my husband, pray we break up – here’s a holy f you).  This after my (very Christian) parents told him clearly that they supported our marraige and believed God brought us together for a good reason (as do I).

I should also mention that the pastor we spoke with did ask if we were living together, but said it didn’t matter, and never asked if we were sexually active.  The one who married us didn’t ask about sex either.  He didn’t care either, way, I don’t think – most view being what’s done is done, it’s ok in marriage.  I respect someone asking you to abstain for a few months, but moving is a little much.

We ended up married by the same pastor who married my parents and baptized me.  It all worked out in the end.  I did have a back-up officiant before we went to talk to him.  There are some that even offer prepare-enrich couselling, which is what he advised on (though we were too close to the wedding to complete it). 

Post # 25
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

ugh!!! go find someone less judemental to marry you

there is nothing wrong with your life choice to live together before marriage if that is what makes you happy 

good luck Laughing

Post # 26
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

The strange thing here is that most Clergy would RATHER get you married the sooner the better, so that you are “doing everything by the book” instead of making you jump through hoops. Find another pastor. 

Post # 27
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@CaseyGail09:  Wow!  I hate that!  I understand that as a preacher, he feels a responsibility not to encourage premarital sex….but that is taking it too far (in my opinion).  I mean I am sure he would be charging you for his services as the officiant….and appearantly ruler of your life.  I agree that you should find someone else.  I don’t know what the big deal is with living together first.  I am with you….it just makes good sense.  I had a couple compliment my ring a couple of weeks ago.  I told them I had been married almost two years, but we had been together for three.  They bit my head off and told me I shouldn’t brag about living together before marriage.  I was like *wow*…I was more talking about the anniversary of our first date.  But yeah we did live together first, and I am so not ashamed of that!

Post # 28
Member
1656 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@CaseyGail09:  I’m sorry, I know how frustrating that must be! We had a similar issue, but we found another non-denominational officiant to marry us and it did work out. Our church pastor attended our wedding, which is something he normally doesn’t do, so that meant a lot to us in the end. Although we found it frustrating, we also really appreciated that he wasn’t willing to forgo his beliefs for our wedding ceremony and that showed great character to us – perhaps you can think of it in that respect?

Post # 29
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I just googled our town and wedding officiants and called around.  Sent three emails. We wanted non-God vows, and may write our own… Fiance is athiest but he’d do “God vows” if he had to because what he knew in his heart mattered, me on the other hand think you don’t make a promise to something you don’t believe in, period… so I was determined to find something.  One email not answered.   One officiant raised their price from $175 to $425 Surprised for non-God vows.  The other could care less.  Not only could the last care less but she thinks it’s sweet that I want my dad to “roll me down the isle” as he has MS.

     Do your homework, search, even Google Maps can be a starting place to see what’s in your area, to get an officiant that works well with you.  After you and your Fiance, they matter most because without someone to make it official, you wouldn’t have your day!

Post # 30
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee

Have a close friend of yours get ordained on the internet and have them perform the ceremony. For such a special day, you should be surrounded by people who love you, not people who are going to judge you for your lifestyle choice. I wish you the best of luck on your wedding and congratulations!

Post # 31
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@CaseyGail09:  I get where you are coming from with the living together.  My ex & I didn’t live together until after the wedding and WOW, huge differences & it ended after 3 1/2 yrs.  Now my Fiance & I are living together & it is so much better.  Haven’t tried to find an officiant yet though. But ours will be tough.  Im spiritual not religous at all & he is athiest. 

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