(Closed) Preferring fiance over brother….

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

This broke my heart for your brother.  I think a good thing you could do is try to plan fun events you can all do together when you are home with your family.  I’m not sure how comfortable your brother is with crowds/public situations but you could all go to a movie, or go bowling together.  That way you call can interact together.  Also, since this is your family I don’t this it’s out of line at all for you to mention your concerns to your fiance.  Let him know how much it would mean to you and to your brother if he tried to bridge the gap a little.  Like when your dad mixing drinks and telling stories your fiance can pull your brother into the mix.. “Hey ‘brother’, what do you think of that story?”

Post # 4
Member
7694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@srast:

I think that it is very sweet of you to want to spend more time with your brother.  My son has pretty extreme ADD, and although he has above average intelligence, he has also struggled throughout his (more than 4) college years.  Like your dad, my husband couldn’t understand my son’s unique set of abilities/disabilities.  And throughout his years many people have misjudged him and thought him to be lazy.  I am sure through his struggles he appreciates how much his sister loves and includes him in her life.  I am sure that your brother will too. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I feel bad for your brother. Do you think it will help if you brought this to your FH, Dad, and Mother’s attention? Maybe they don’t realize what you have noticed. I hope everything works out.

Post # 6
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

One of the characteristics of Aspergers is an inability to relate outside of yourself (ie take interest in others in a real way). It can be very difficult, especially in more extreme cases of Aspergers. So, your dad may actually have felt, throughout his time as a father, that he was really missing that connection. Depending on the level of your brother’s condition, it may just not be something he is capable of, and your father may be acting to finally feel connected to a son-like figure. Maybe after a transition time with your dad/fiance/brother, you could either gently bring it up or like PP have said, create environments that foster connection with your brother, in a way he is capable of. At the very least, you could speak frankly with your Fiance.

Post # 7
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I feel for ya!  My older brother in law has anexity problems and is back living at home with no job.  It can be hard on the family especially when not everyone accepts those types of problems as “real”.  Progress has been slow for him in the last few years with lots of ups and downs.  Sometimes I feel guilty for living so far away with Darling Husband and I can’t help out day to day as well as financially but sometimes feel grateful to have a low stress life across the country.

All I can say is GOOD therapy can help.  If it sought out and done right.

Post # 9
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sad for your brother.  The good thing is that you recognize this and want to do something about it.  Can your Fiance help?  Maybe try to bring your brother into the conversations?  It might not affect your father, but if your Fiance is trying, then maybe your brother will feel comfortable hanging with your Fiance and then in turn, your dad.  Good luck! 

Post # 10
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Stellablue’s advice seems like a really good idea!  My heart really goes out to your brother, and it says a lot about you to recognize these issues!

Post # 11
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I feel for you, my older sister has epilepsy (also controlled by medicine 10 years since her last seizure!!) but she also is mentally disabled. (she had a stroke when she was 5, caused by the seizures and it caused brain damage) she is 6 years older than me and very very special to me. I dont have the same problems as you but know you arent alone, i feel guilty all the time for not spending enough time with her. I constantly feel bad that she does not live a normal life, though i dont think she notices..she is as happy as can be, but it makes me sad to think she will never get married or have kids, she will always live with my parents. I have made a point to try and do special things for her, i call her often just to chat, i try and get her out of the house for dinner or a movie or just to go shopping. it breaks my heart when i think about all the things i get to do that she never will. I suggest making special time for you and your brother, if you dad isnt going to do it then take it upon yourself to make him feel extra special and know that he is loved. My sister is going to be one of my bridesmaid and this makes her sooooo very happy.

Another thing, my dad has a very short temper..there are 5 kids in my family so he always had to be the tough one and lay down the law and i think he had a difficult time dealing with my sister in the younger years. She is 30 now and he is 62 and ive noticed the past couple yeara he has really really changed..he is so laid back and really tries to relate to her. i dont know if that is just because he is older now and all the kids are out of the house (except her), or he is just realizing how short life is and he needs to spend as much time as he can with his family.

Everything put aside i am soooo happy to have my sister just the way she is, it has made me a much better person and more sensitive to others who are in the same position. it also makes me really appreciate my parents, it takes special people to deal with this their whole lives. It has also brought up interesting conversations between my FH and I because when my parents pass (god forbid that happens anytime soon) it is very possible she will come live with us for periods of time. Im so lucky that FH is amazing with her. it truely is a test for the SO’s in our family.

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