Post # 1
I usually post over at the waiting boards, as I am a patiently waiting bee 🙂
I’m on here though because I just found out one of my best friends is pregnant. She’s been with her boyfriend for almost two years, but is not engaged or married. She’s very worried about this, but I’m trying to ease her mind that it is quite common and that many couples have children before marriage and it doesn’t have the same negative judgement that it once had.
She said that alot of people have been judging her, and even though she is happy with her situation I can tell it is really bothering her. The fact that her SO is not overly thrilled with it might be the cause too though. He says he’s excited, but doesn’t seem happiest in the slightest.
Can any bees who have had children pass on some advice to convince her that just because she’s pregnant and not married it doesn’t make her less of a person. She’s really down and I just don’t know what else to say to her.
Post # 3
It sounds like her problems mostly step from her boyfriend’s attitude. Could it be she was expecting him to propose with the pregnancy news?
Post # 4
I think she just needs some time! Right now everything is a big shocker and it takes a while to get into the mommy groove!
I have seen this happen pletny of times. The most important thing she can be worried about is if her man is in it for the long run and will be a good father.
It can be embarassing and socially awkward if you let it. I mean when we have sex-married or not, it is always a possibility. We are all human.
Post # 5
The pregnancy wasn’t planned. She definetly wanted to be engaged or married before a baby, so maybe it is her own disappointment that things didn’t work out as she planned. Her SO is a really great guy. I think he might just be scared. I see him going no where and will be a fantastic father, IMO. I think it just hasn’t hit him yet he’s going to be a father. She’s only in her first trimester, has had zero symptoms and isn’t showing yet.
Thinking about it more, I guess she really seems to be having the issues, or she’s letting it get to her.
Post # 6
I agree that it probably needs time to sink in. 🙂
I think it’s so common nowadays for people to have kids prior to marriage. Planned or unplanned!
My one co-worker got his wife then girlfriend pregnant. He did not propose right away either, he wanted to make sure it was a right time. He waited till after their baby girl was born then he proposed. Thennnnn she got pregnant again before their wedding! She was just starting to show at their wedding.
Didn’t bother them one bit!
P.S. I will say though that he did some immediate things that probably reassured her that he was sticking around. They were LDR at that point and he started looking for a job locally and moved back to be with her during her pregnancy. And they bought a house and moved in before their baby girl was born.
Post # 7
I’m not saying this is the case with your friend, but I do know sometimes women can get really down on themselves when their boyfriends don’t propose to them when they get pregnant. It makes them nervous and on edge because they are entering into a major and permanent tie with their SO with limited legal rights or protection. And they get stressed out because it’s not ideal to be having a baby with someone you aren’t married to, not because it’s immoral, but because marriage definitely does add a more permanent element to the relationship. The thought of possibly being a single parent can be VERY scary.
Post # 8
Things will probably change once they hear the babies heart beat and get an ultrasound. I didn’t believe I was really pregnant until about 8 weeks when I saw him for the first time. Then I got super excited and fell in love with my child. Maybe she just needs to be around an infant to see how small and sweet they are.
I also need to say that when I got pregnant I was actually single. My Darling Husband and I broke up a month before I got pregnant so I was afraid of telling him since he was thinking of leaving the state so it is was a little different and really stressful.
Post # 9
I have 2 little girls and not married yet (we were engaged for #2 though) It is so common these days. If people are judging here those are not the people she needs to be around. She needs to stay around people who are supportive and are there for her! It can be a tough time but I promise it will make her stronger!
Post # 10
I had Dirty Delete before Darling Husband and I were engaged and it was a huge surprise but we wouldn’t change a thing we are married now with #2 on the way, it really doesn’t matter anymore it’s so common, I think once her bf’s attitude shapes up things will be much better! good luck to her 🙂
Post # 11
One of my best friend’s had her beautiful Dirty Delete before getting married. Her Darling Husband did propose about halfway through her pregnancy, but it’s because he had been meaning to do so already and just stepped up the timeline a little bit. They got married when their little girl was almost 1.5 years old. It’s totally commonplace these days, and no one showed my friends any negative attitudes. It sounds like it probably isn’t quite real for your friend yet, and it may take a few months to sink in, but I’m sure she and her SO will be excited when the baby comes 🙂
Post # 12
This is a bit different, but maybe it’d make her feel better to know that some of us (me!) are actually TRYING to get pregnant, and we aren’t married yet. Sure, it’s a complicated story, but our fertility is questionable so we’ve started TTC 3 months prior to the wedding. If we do, great. If we don’t, oh well, just keep trying with rings on our fingers.
I agree that the news is hard to handle, plus her bf is having his own reactions. It will all work out. 🙂 Just be there for her, reassure her that her situation isn’t “bad” and isn’t something to consider shameful, etc. It may not be the accepted social norm, but a lot of things aren’t. It’s just life; we all do what we can with our situations. And hers ends with a baby!
Post # 13
Well, I’m a waiting be with a 3 month old and I’m not less of a person.LOL Just tell her things will get better and after the initial shock is over, they’ll be doing great in babyland!
Also, there are some people who ARE married and their kids are in a bad situation.
They planned to get married beforehand and they will now, either before baby is born or after. It will all work out.
Post # 14
It doesn’t make her less of a person, but I’m sad for her baby, that he or she will be born without her parents having made a marriage commitment. Marriage is the best environment in which to raise children.
Post # 15
She will be fine. People judge no matter what. You got pregnant unwed, you got pregnant to soon after getting married, you are waiting too long. It is no one’s business. It may take some getting used to since this pregnancy was not planned.
But I have to disagree with a previous poster- there is a new life on the way and there is NOTHING to be sad about for this baby’s future just because its parents are not married.
Post # 16
I think it is completely normal for her to be scared and nervous right now. BUT I think that having a baby before being married is much more common and normal. She might feel that people are judging, but it might also be that people are just talking about her being pregnant. People would be excited and talk/gossip about it if she was married, so maybe she is hearing some of that chatter and assuming it is judgement?
Also, it is COMPLETELY NORMAL for her boyfriend to be scared, or not that happy. First off, his plans for the future have changed. So it’s normal to be taken aback a little. And second, there are MANY men, whether married or not that aren’t extremely excited about a pregnancy.
My husband and I had been trying for months and had a MC before this pregnancy and my husband was still a little shocked when I told him I was pregnant. It’s taken him about 11 weeks to really feel like it is real. He’s excited and very happy now, but in the beginning, he was more scared/nervous than anything. And we’ve been together forever and ever (10+ years) and married for 2.5. So it’s very normal.
Once he sees the baby on the ultrasound and her belly starts to grow, he will become more attached to the baby and the idea of having a baby.
You should suggest that your friend come here to the baby boards, or to hellobee.com. There are lots of great women who are expecting babies or TTC, in all sorts of situations. You are a sweet friend for caring so much about her.