(Closed) Pregnancy scares [Vent about Abortion]

posted 5 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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newlywednewbie :  thank you so much for sharing your heart on this, and also for the thoughtful disclaimer at the top so that you don’t end up triggering others who don’t agree. I love you so much for sharing this, because I too have that gutting fear and anxiety. I am 100% pro-choice, regardless of whether I would ever actually HAVE an abortion doesn’t negate my belief that it is a person’s right to choose what happens to her own body.

I am pro-choice because we have to stop using sex as a fear tactic. You are allowed to have sex for fun, not just for babies.And if you use multiple forms of protection then it is not your fault if for some unlikely reason you become part of that 1%. 

I am pro-choice because even if you believe that a fetus is a person, it only can continue to use the resources and nutrients of its host/mom as long as she consents. 

I am pro-choice because religion has no place in government, and like you, feel sad and frustrated when religious mindsets are used to make laws that govern non-religious and atheist citizens.

I am pro-choice because I believe that what a woman does with her body is her business.

 

That doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be regulations, no late term abortions, etc. But even in the US (which I assume you’re not in), everyone seems to be pro-life but really, in action, they are pro-birth. No one seems to mind that once the child is born they have no quality of life (but everyone minds that the mom is now on food stamps, because she can’t afford the child she was forced to carry to term). No one seems to be beating down the doors of adoption agencies because “we want one of our own.” All we hear are stories of people who wanted kids but couldn’t get pregnant and how they would LOVE to adopt your unwanted child, or how selfish abortion is, or how “well if you didn’t want to get pregnant you shouldn’t have had sex; that’s a consequence.”

Adopt one of the millions of already adoptable kids, there are plenty. They want good homes. Oh, adoption is expensive? Correct. So is prenatal care and childbirth, and supporting a child that you can’t take care of.

Abortion might be selfish, but so is bringing a child into the world when there are millions of kids who are being cycled through the foster and adoption system, no permanent home life, or poor quality of temporary home life, etc. It’s selfish to claim that a mother who knows that no child at all is the best choice for HER and THAT CHILD is wrong, yet you still produce a child when all these kids who you use as citations in your arguments go unadopted because you wanted to experience pregnancy.

And as far as pregnancy being a result of sex: yep, congratulations, science. It is a result…of unprotected sex. If you used all forms of protection and were safe about it, and you still end up pregnant, then you deserve to have choices. Sorry, but no one looks at people who are severely injured in car accidents and says, “well, you shouldn’t have gotten in the car, wrecks are a consequence of driving.” Well, sorry, if you wore your seatbelt, had insurance, did the speed limit and you still got injured I hate to tell ya, sometimes you still get hit. 

 

Post # 3
Member
713 posts
Busy bee

I hear you. I’ve been in the same place, worried about a period that could be late for any number of reasons, and had conversations with my fiance about what we’d do if I was in fact pregnant. We’ve gone from times in our lives where we thought “no way are we ready for this,” to “ok, we could maybe handle a baby right now, even if we weren’t planning on having one.” Either way, it’s a scary feeling, and it’s kind of nice to know that there are options if we want to pursue them. Your life is yours, no matter what.

Post # 4
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You are not a bad person at all. I think there are more women than you realize who experience a drop in the pit of their stomach when their period is late (and/or other symptoms). Awhile back I got some weird breakthrough bleeding that turned out to be nothing, but it was out of the ordinary so I looked online (horrible idea for me, I can’t go on WebMD without drawing the conclusion I have cancer), and apparently the color suggested it could be implantation bleeding (among a dozen other things, of course). I felt unsettled until my actual period came (I won’t say I panicked, because in my life I’ve been making an effort not to panic about something until I have confirmation there’s something to panic about – because I am really good at catastrophizing and I’m trying to get that under control).

I’m so sorry you live somewhere that doesn’t give you rights and accesses to services to manage your own reproduction. Thank you for sharing. There is nothing in the world wrong with you for any of this.

Post # 5
Member
629 posts
Busy bee

I really appreciate the rawness in this post! It really was a great read!

Short story:

I got pregnant 1 month before my dream wedding. I was hysterical. I was sobbing in the car. I felt like my world was coming to an end. I love my now DH and we easily could have had a baby (financially,etc) but I did not want one then. We had a lot of plans during our first year of marriage and a baby was def not one of them. As shocked as I was, I felt relief in knowing that I could do what I needed to do and safely. I made an appt and aborted the pregnancy. I truly do not have any regrets because it was the right choice for US at the time. 

I had access to a doctor in a sterile and controlled environment and had a very safe procedure. I even went to my ivy league educated OB/GYN soon after for my well woman exam and he said “everything looks great as usual”. At the very end of the apt, I slowly said, “Oh, and by the way… I had an abortion 2 months ago. I was afraid to tell you, but I did.”. He said, “I am so glad you told me. Absolutely no judgement here. We as doctors are the ones FIGHTING to keep facilities open to allow safe and easy access to abortions as well as other family planning resources.” I cannot tell you my relief! 

I hate when people say “pro-abortion”. I don’t want to wish abortion on anyone. It is one of the hardest decisions you may be faced with as a woman. It’s not like I wanted to have an abortion and dreamed about it. I was in a bad spot but I am so thankful that I could CHOOSE what was best for me at the time. I want women to have the chance to have options. 

 

Post # 6
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

This was a fantastic thing to read. Thank you so much.

It seriously drives me CRAZY when people say “well just give the baby up for adoption!” There are so so so many children in the foster system and unfortunately many are abused. My husband and I are atheists and we have 2 biological children and plan to adopt at least 2 children in the near future, because we want a big family and there are so many children who just want to feel safe and loved and we can provide that . * I only note our beliefs because in my experience it is always Christians who lecture about adoption yet I hardly know any Christians who have adopted children..

Post # 7
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Well, to start off: “I do not want to get pregnant at all”. So, you are not alone 🙂

I am in Canada, one of those countries where abortion is legal – and safe – but I still would not want to get pregnant, as it is not like I want to have abortion either, even though I would absolutely do it.

I had an abortion long ago, when I was just a teenager, and I am so grateful that not only was it accessible (and covered by universal healthcare) but that I did not have to seek parental permission or prove to some strangers sitting on a panel I should be able to get it done, or deal with other barriers often put up to restrict access – be they financial, logistical, or medical. I have never regretted that choice, and am grateful I had the ability to make it.

Despite feeling positive about my own experience, I definitely was fearful of another pregnancy as like I said, it was not like I wanted to have another abortion even though I would. I was diligent about birth control, but birth control can fail, and cycles can be irregular so that fear would arise now and then. I am sure I have taken a few pregnancy tests over the years because I was only a couple days late but I was then second guessing whether I had really taken every single pill that month (I had) or if my IUD had slipped without me knowing (it hadn’t). So, no, you are not alone in that fear about the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy, and that is even being somewhere fortunate to have safe access.

I eventually was sterilized, something that many women and men are denied access to – told they are too young, or they should come back AFTER having children they don’t want. I myself had to wait until I was in my 30s to find doctors who were willing to do it (and once I was in my 30s, it was actually easy to find a doctor who would!). Depending on the form of sterilization, even it is not 100% guarantee, though mine fortunately is. So even if you are sterilized, you may have scares, and need safe access to abortion.

I feel for you, and any woman, who is faced with not being able to make a choice, or having significant barriers to making that choice. 

 

Post # 8
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - .

Thank you so much for sharing! I have never had an abortion myself, but that’s just because I’ve never been pregnant. Personally, I would love to be a mother one day, but only when I’ve built up my life to the point that I can live for another and not just for myself.

I hate when people use their feelings as facts in this world. Sadly, I don’t think they will ever know how many people they’ve put in danger’s way by doing so.

Abortion can be a beautiful thing. A chance to start a new, to continue the life you want for yourself. Abortion is not about death, it’s about life, your life, and I truly believe that’s something worth celebrating. 

Post # 9
Member
4399 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I just wanted to say that even though I have a child, I loved what you wrote, and completely agree with the sentiments behind it!

It frustrates me how people act as though women use abortion as birth control. I have several friends who have had them, and even those who were CFBC and 100% confident in their choice didn’t find it “easy”. It’s still incredibly difficult for a lot of people.  Thank God we at least live in a place where they didn’t have to also worry about it being safe.

Post # 10
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I do want children, desperately, we’ve been pregnant multiple times and ive miscarried and its been horrible and harrowing and made me more pro choice than I ever was before. 

 

You see, not having control over my fertility and the impact that has on my mental health and happiness and overall lifestyle choices is heartbreaking, I realised that to have no control over being pregnant if you didn’t want to be would be just as harrowing. And worse because it would impact the life of a child too. 

 

I’m fro. Northern Ireland, no abortion there either. A travesty. 

Post # 12
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Thank you so much for sharing your story, it’s appreciated beyond words.

I have had multiple scares, and even though I am not CFBC, the anxiety that comes with it is astronimical. I am not ready right now, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.

It bothers me that CFBC women are consistently slammed for not wanting childen (because apparently you’ll never know true love until you have children – what a load of BS). It breaks my heart that women out there do not have access to legal and safe abortions, and that women everywhere are scared of the repruccusions that may come after making the medically sound decision over her reproductive system (and body).

I have so much respect for you. This post was incredibly informative (I personally did not know the living conditions in some orphanages), and the trigger warning was really classy.

Post # 14
Member
868 posts
Busy bee

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newlywednewbie :  I think it was wonderfully brave to write this, thank you!

 misspenny2010 :  I love that you wrote: “I don’t want to wish abortion on anyone. It is one of the hardest decisions you may be faced with as a woman.”

I also had an abortion. I was 21 and still in college. The guy was a terrible guy. I am 100% sure I made the right choice. I would not have traveled or met the man who I’m married to now. Like OP said, I might have resented my child. And no mother wants to say that!! However, just becasue I think I made the right choice, doesn’t mean it was easy!! I was raised in a religious home. I was lectured about “those types of girls” and I was filled with shame and guilt and I didn’t have the tools to know how to cope. Also, since I kept it a secret, I didn’t know how to ask for help. That abortion sucked up about 2 years of my 20s. One year just dealing with the feeling of greif and shame. And another year rebuilding my self esteeme after i realized it was a controling and unhealthy relationship with the guy. Even now, it’s exhausting just thinking about it! 

What upsets me is when anyone – particularly men – accuse women of “taking the easy way out”. Few statements get me as riled up as that one. 

Right after I had the abortion I joined a talk terapy / discussion group for women, eventually I lead a group helping others who had gone through it more recently. It was helpful to me because suddenly it wasn’t about *my* experience, it was about a diversity of experiences. There were a few women in their 30s – 2 or 3 of them had abortions becasue they already had children and couldn’t handle the financial strain of another mouth to feed. They were devistated. For 1 woman it was a health reason, and she beat herself up over it a lot. There were other’s in their 20s – several college kids, one who didn’t even know which of her partners was the father, one was an addict, and 2 were in abusive relationships they were trying to escape. But the largest number in my group were teenagers. It ran the spectrum, prissy prom-queens to goth girls, most of them were trying to hide it from their parents, all trying to grapple with grown up consequences when they were still just kids. But I also had 3 young girls in my group who had aged out of foster care. They had had pretty awful lives. All 3 of them loved the idea of having a baby because they had never had a family of their own. But they were also scared of being moms for various reasons, scared they weren’t good enough. Of all the stories, those ones broke my heart the most. 

So when anyone says that abortion is “the easy way out” – I get angry. These young women made a difficult choice, probably out of desperation. There is nothing conveinent or desirable about abortion. These women deserve our compassion, not our judgement. That is something I could never reconcile with my religious upbringing? How, in the name of Christianity, could anyone justify being so cruel to a young woman in a moment of need? It’s baffling to me.  

Post # 15
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017 - Cafe la cave

My fiancé and I chose to terminated a pregnancy last October.  He and I can’t wait to be parents, but at the time we had only been dating for 5 months, still lived with our parents and were all around not prepared for a baby. I stupidly believed that even though my periods were regular that I would have just as hard of a time getting pregnant as my mother did. She has PCOS and I was convinced I had it as well…well I got pregnant using the pullout method. It was the hardest decisions that he and I have ever made. Luckily I have access to quite a few clinic who do both surgical and medical terminations and I went with a medically induced termination. The clinic I went to was amazing and my experience is something I wish every woman who in the position at the time I could have. I wish that the stigma around abortion wasn’t there. Currently only a few people in my life know about it…and I desperately wish I could be more open about it without Fear of the way someone will look at me. it. I have no regrets over my decision.  It was the most loving thing I could do for it. I don’t know where we would be right now if he hasn’t made the decision we did. 

Everyone deserves to make their own choices and not have to justify a reason for doing it. 

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