Post # 1
Hi everyone, going anonymous for this 🙂 I have a bit of a dilemma (if you even want to call it that)…my friend was engaged a few months ago and asked me to be her moh…I’m honored that she asked me and when we discussed prospective wedding dates she was originally mentioned June 2015…I just threw it out there and said “what if I’m pregant? XXX and I were thinking we might start trying for a baby at the end of the year” and she said “well start trying before then”…the timing isn’t right for us right now…we just bought a house and it needs work (ie- time and money) before we bring a child into it…I mentioned it again another time and she basically told me in so many words that I can’t be pregnant on her wedding day. They recently booked a date and now we are looking at August 2015 instead of June which pushes off our TTC another few months…at this point I’ll be over 30. I’m afraid to say something to her again because we aren’t even 100% sure we will be ready to TTC at that point and I don’t want to put it out there that we will be if it’s not a definite thing but in the same regards should we decide we do want to TTC at that point I don’t want her to be upset when she finds out we are pregnant! I just think it’s unreasonable to ask someone to not consider TTC until after your wedding when we are at an age where most of our friends are having babies and a year and a half engagement is a long time to ask someone to wait! Not sure what to do, I don’t want to upset her but I want her to understand our situation.
Post # 2
I think it’s completely absurd to ask someone not to TTC until after your wedding date – or to make ANY requests about when they TTC. You need to stop talking about this with her and continue with your own plans.
Please also bear in mind that it would be completely normal for it to take up to a year for you to become pregnant once you decide to TTC, so even if you start trying in December, you might not conceive until close to her wedding date, when you won’t be showing at all.
Worst case scenario – you are 8 months pregnant at her wedding and she can decide whether or not to ask you to step down. She can dictate the way her wedding goes, but not your life. And a friend who would ask you to step down because you are pregnant is not much of a friend at all, IMO.
Post # 3
Conceiving matters way more than your friend’s wedding. You and your husband need to do what’s right for the two of you. If it conflicts with someone else’s wedding, who cares? Your family is the priority.
Since nobody knows whether you’ll be pregnant or not, this doesn’t even need to be discussed right now. The problem doesn’t even exist.
The solution to this potential problem is simple: if you’re pregnant around the time of the wedding, then you’re not a bridesmaid. If you aren’t pregnant, you’re a bridesmaid. It’s as simple as that.
Post # 4
Don’t plan your life around other people. She is being absurd. If you are important to her she would want you there no matter what.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2011 - Baby boy 12/2015
hmmmwhattodo: It sounds very selfish of her. This is something you and your Darling Husband have decided and it doesn’t include her. She decided to include you in her wedding, so she is aware of the fact that you could be pregnant. When I invited my cousin to be my bridesmaid, she asked me “what if I am pregnant at your wedding?, I said great! They cannot stop their family matters for a one day event. My advice is start trying when you feel/think is right. If luck is in your side, you might deliver before the wedding if not she will have to accept it.
Post # 6
hmmmwhattodo: She cannot demand that you not TTC the entire length of her engagement. That’s ridiculous IMO. I second PP who said that you might not even get pregnant right away, so “worst” case scenario is that you’re 8 months pregnant at your friend’s wedding. She can decide if it’s more important that you’re in her wedding or if she wants all her BMs to be slim (which is rare in any case).
My Maid/Matron of Honor is timing her TTC around our wedding because it’s really important to her to not be pregnant at our wedding for mulitiple reasons: she wants to be able to drink and have a good time, and she wants to feel beautiful in her dress. She knows that I couldn’t care less if she’s 9 months pregnant at our wedding or not, I just want her to be there to support me like I was at her wedding supporting her. That’s the most important thing for me.
Post # 7
hmmmwhattodo: Get pregnant. Do not put your life on hold for a friend.There is no reason you can’t be an excellent friend and pregnant. This past weekend I was in a wedding with a 6 month pregnant bridesmaid. She was fantastic and didn’t miss a thing. And she fit in the same dress (just 2 sizes bigger).
I wouldn;’t ask your friend, but I would tell her before you buy dresses. Say “DH and I will be trying to conceive this year. It may happen fast and it may take awhile, but I will want to hold off ordering my dress until we know for sure. I will absolutely be there for your day”. Then TTC and continue being a wonderful friend.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
You do what you have to do- do not base anything off your (rude) friend’s ‘requests’! You never know how long getting pregnant will take either!
Pollywog: nicely put
Post # 9
Don’t wait to ttc because of a wedding. I thought I would get pregnant right away and it took a year. There are no guarantees. I was a bridesmaid two years ago and the sister of the groom was also a bridesmaid and was visibly pregnant. She looked great and was happy to participate. The bride didn’t mind at all. Please make your own future a priority and the rest will get sorted out as it needs to.
Post # 10
hmmmwhattodo: TTC when you want to/are ready to. There’s no reason you can’t be pregnant at her wedding (unless your due date is very close to her wedding date then it’s a toss up what might happen but that’s YOUR choice not hers). If she’s making it her choice, then she’s probably not as great of a friend in the first place.
You also do not need to tell her if/when you start trying. If you are concerned about dress shopping, simply consult privately with the alterations department at the store and let them know the scenario – they’ll know exactly what to do.
Post # 11
She is being absurd. Start TTC when it’s right for you- don’t base it on someone else.
Post # 12
Start now, who knows what’ll happen? If you’re pregnant and she replaces you, that’s on her. Who knows, you could not get preg by then and she might replace you anyway? 🙂
Post # 13
Don’t alter your life plans on account of your friend’s wedding day which is just one day in the scheme things as opposed to having an actual child. What’s more important to you? Be her Maid/Matron of Honor for now and if you get pregnant according to your plans, then drop out – I’m sure she’ll find someone else.
Post # 14
AHH thank you everyone for all of your great advice…it definitely reaffirms my initial thought that it would be unreasonable…in all honesty, I don’t think it’s the fact that I would be “larger” and ruin photo’s as much as it is that we won’t have as much fun at the bachelorette and wedding because I wouldn’t be able to drink and party (I would still be there, just not be able to drink and let’s be honest it definitely wouldn’t be as much fun for me which I’M okay with but of course I already had my bachelorette party)…I guess I’m just not sure IF I should say something at all or not, some of you mentioned that I shouldn’t but I wonder if it’s more of a slap in the face to her if it does happen without me mentioning it to her first…there is a part of me that says well who cares, but she is a close friend of mine, I guess it’s just weird to me when people mention they are TTC IRL + what if it doesn’t happen right away anyway?!
Post # 15
hmmmwhattodo: I think it’s nobody’s business when you are TTC – your friend included. It shouldn’t be a shock to her anyways, as you’ve already told her more than once that it’s a possibility. But other than that, I would say nothing. If she chooses to be mad at you for having a baby, that’s absurd and says a lot more about her than it does about you. Proceed with your plans, TTC when you and your husband are ready, and if you are pregnant before her wedding and the associated festivities, hopefully she’ll handle it with grace and realize that as your friend she should be happy for you (rather than immature and pissy that you can’t booze it up with her).