(Closed) Pregnant, 5 years together…sad…give up waiting?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee

I second the house issue. This is a huge red flag to me, especially given that you are now expecting a child with this man. Is he holding out for something better? 

I think the time for games has passed. You need to sit him down and decide together what the timeline is. You’re having a baby with him. The finances excuse no longer holds water. If he refuses to discuss a solid timeline or date with you, then I’m afraid you have your answer.

Post # 17
Member
10129 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
chrissybr :  

Wtf?  You paid the down payment and half of the mortgage on his house but you are not on the deed?  How does that even happen?

Bee, get thee to a lawyer and fast.  Let’s go ahead and stay in the Land of Make Believe–even if there *was* a future with this guy, you are left completely unprotected should he die.  It happens.  As it sits right now, you would have to retain a probate attorney ($$$$$$$$$) and battle it out in court with all of his blood relatives.

Then there’s the matter of this business you started ‘together’.  How is the business structured?  What do you have IN WRITING, that protects your interests?

Waiting is not your biggest problem right now, Bee.  You need sound legal advice.

Post # 18
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

It doesnt really matter what lead you up to here. All we know is ur live w him in his house you help get and ur pregnant now (extra homronal)

Only thing that matters is what u will do. Or not do.  I hope u find your way.

Post # 19
Member
636 posts
Busy bee

I totally disagree with most of the advice here. You can absolutely be in love and committed without being engaged or married. My Fiance and I bought two houses together, had a child, and built a life together and neither of us had any intention of getting married. Marriage just isn’t what we believe affirms our commitment to each other. His surprise proposal was wonderful, I have a beautiful ring, and I’m sure our elopement will be amazing, but none of that means he is more committed than he was before the proposal. To me, it sounds like your SO might be the same way. Just because he hasn’t proposed yet doesn’t mean he won’t. Personally, if I were you I would just carry on status-quo as it sounds like everything is ok except for the formality of the proposal. Don’t dwell on the idea of him not wanting to marry you. He probably does one day, and that’s ok. If you do dwell on it, your pregnancy/post partum hormones are going to exacerbate it. You’ll be a mess. Enjoy your pregnancy and your new born baby as stress free as possible. 

Post # 20
Member
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Not getting married for financial reasons sounds like just an excuse. It’s not very expensive to go to the courthouse and get married. Whatever his reasons are, I don’t believe that one. 

Post # 21
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

daisy123 :  I have the same belief as you. Being married will not change my love and commitment for my spouse. BUT it is concerning that Bee isn’t a technical owner of the house. I bought any apartment with my spouse, everything was signed by both of us and we are both equal owners. Like a previous poster stated, if something happens to your SO you don’t want to lose your home to someone else. If he isn’t willing to add you to the house ownership (have you asked) this would definitely send red flags

Post # 22
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry, bee. I would start saving and find your own place for you and your daughter. This man has had every reason to marry you, yet he has not. No self respecting man lets his girlfriend contribute to a mortgage she is not even on, contribute to a business and carry his child whilst refusing to marry her despite her making it quite clear it is something she would like. 

I don’t like advocating to pack up and leave, but it is so much harder to move and untangle your life with a man when you have had the baby, it’s best to do it now while you are still pregnant. This man has shown his true colours and I highly doubt anything will change. All you can really do know is minimise the difficulty and burden it will bring to you. 

Im sorry this is happening to you. I truly empathise. 

Post # 23
Member
1277 posts
Bumble bee

Oh Bee, I feel so bad for you. Sorry you are going through this hurt. I second the PP who suggested the courthouse. Could he be convinced of this? You can always plan an amazing anniversary party a few years down the road but at least you will have some protections in a legal sense. Plus the security of a marriage under your belt. You deserve this! He trusts you to raise his child but not be his married life partner? Like wtf dude! 

Post # 24
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
daisy123 :  While I’m not saying your advice is wrong, none of it applies to this situation. It worked out fine for you and your SO because you were both cool with not being married. OP and her SO have been discussing it since year 1, he knows she wants it, he has said he wants it yet despite all that he hasn’t done it. 

Its not a matter of a couple deciding not to get married despite buying a house and having a child, it’s a matter of OP’s SO being a dick and putting her through crap and causing unnecessary worry to her. She wouldn’t even be posting this if he could just man up and do what he said he would 1 year into the relationship.

Post # 25
Member
636 posts
Busy bee

In most jurisdictions any assets acquired by either party during a domestic relationship are to be evenly divided in the event of a separation anyway. There are a few reasons you might not want both names on title, one of them being tax exemptions, which can amount to tens of thousands in some cases. I wouldn’t be at all concerned about not being on title, unless there was a pre-nup that the OP did not mention. I think you are all being too quick to write this guy off. 

Post # 26
Member
636 posts
Busy bee

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churrosandroses :  she said in her post that he says he wants to get married, so yeah, I’d say that every one of my thoughts is relevant. Just because he hasn’t proposed, doesn’t mean he won’t. In my circle, it’s pretty common for relationships to go 10 or more years before a proposal. Don’t forget she’s 25. That’s still really young! 

Post # 27
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
daisy123 :  okay so why doesn’t he marry her then? 

Why would he not marry her if he actually wants to marry her, especially since he knows it’s bothering her that they aren’t married. That doesn’t make sense. 

ETA: Just saw your updated comment. They both agreed that people asking them when they are going to get married is annoying. They live together, work together and are having a child together. And he ‘says’ he wants to get married. Oh, and she is growing resentful and upset that they aren’t married. Please tell me what reason would postpone his proposal, other than him not wanting to get married, taking into all the information OP has given? 

Post # 28
Member
609 posts
Busy bee

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daisy123 :  In most jurisdictions any assets acquired by either party during a domestic relationship are to be evenly divided in the event of a separation anyway.

This is completely false. In *some* jurisdictions this may be the case, but most assuredly not in *most*. Generally speaking, you have no rights to assets acquired outside of either marriage or a registered domestic partnership that are under someone else’s name. A small number of jurisdictions have carved out relatively modern protections outside of that – but they are in the minority.

Don’t spread false legal advice assuming everyone’s (or even ‘most’ people’s) jurisdiction works the way that yours does. It’s dangerous and unhelpful.

Post # 29
Member
4889 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
daisy123 :  nobody is debating the marriage thing here… Everyone is more concerned that she has contributed to a house down payment and half the mortgage without having any legal rights to the house if the relationship dissolves or if something happens to her partner. If she was legally married it would be easier to ascertain her rights in regards to the house and business.

OP I don’t know why you are not on the paperwork for your home but you need to be. I can understand the upset you feel about him not wanting to get married but you need to sort out your financial stuff so that way you are never left high and dry. That should be yoyr first concern especially in the fact you are not legally married and may have lots of difficulty in claiming what is yours.

I’d also look into completing a will and testament before your child’s born. It is very important to have plans in place for the raising of your children if the worst happens.  

Post # 30
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

OP I think you need to get legal advice immediately about how you can protect your finances in this situation! 

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