(Closed) Pregnant, 5 years together…sad…give up waiting?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
7225 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Why are you acting like a wife for someone who isn’t acting like a husband in return? His foot dragging leaves you in a very vulnerable position and his concern about marriage being a big financial step sounds selfish in the extreme considering he’s fine with you paying toward a house your name isn’t on. I would have exhaled so many curses in his face he would have had burns from the flames.

He might marry you. He might not. I know of at least two couples where the women clearly wanted marriage and had children before the proposals or weddings happened. So it isn’t impossible. Who knows what will happen?

Whatever does happen, I’d encourage you to learn about women and finance because several of the choices you’ve made have put you on dangerous financial footing and that’s concerning. Especially now that you are going to have a child to care for.

Post # 32
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee

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daisy123 :  not always the case. It’s very risky to do this, especially if you have no legal guidance from a license attorney.

Post # 33
Member
2274 posts
Buzzing bee

Of course it is best for each of us to decide what is best for ourselves, but by subjective personal observation, a situation like hers is better resolved before introducing a tiny third party.

A woman in OP’s situation is vulnerable. Why then should she be in a situation in which she’s “given it all” and there is no balance in what’s coming back to her?

Sorry to have to agree with others, but when you’ve decided to be married in every way but legally while still expecting to be married, most of the bargaining chips are already on the other side of the table.

I sincerely hope for every woman potentially entering a situation like this to look very carefully at your own expectations before making assumptions about what’s ultimately at stake.

Post # 34
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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daisy123 :  “His surprise proposal was wonderful, I have a beautiful ring, and I’m sure our elopement will be amazing, but none of that means he is more committed than he was before the proposal.”

Completely disagree with this logic as it applies to the OP. It’s easy for someone who is engaged to say “oh we were just as committed before the ring as we are now.” You and your Fiance are on the same page and were on the same page long before he proposed. You didn’t tell your Fiance that you wanted more commitment, only to have him say “I’m not ready for that.” A ring changes nothing for you guys because you already had established a mutual level of commitment to one another. The OP and her SO have not.

Look, someone who truly believes marriage isn’t a big deal is not going to refuse to get married if it’s important to their partner. They just aren’t. It makes no logical sense. Marriage IS a big deal to the OP’s SO – a big deal that he’s not ready for right now, and may never be.

Post # 36
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

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chrissybr :  This has already been said by others, but needs to be said again. What really caught my attention is that you put money into a piece of real estate that your name is not on the title. That needs to change, and change right now! You’re putting money into an ASSET that isn’t yours. You are helping HIM. Regardless on the marriage thing, if he sees you as a partner, a team, he will be on board with this. If he refuses, forget marriage and seriously consider the relationship. You need to be on the title as well as him and it needs to be in “JOINT TENANCY”….not “Tenancy in Common”. Regarding the business….did you form an actual entity such as a LLC? I sure hope your name is listed in the Operating Agreement and other paperwork as a member if you’ve been putting money into this! Assuming he fixes this glaring problem with the real estate, and all else is well in the relationship, my best advice is to try and enjoy today. Do not let people get inside your brain and plant doubts.

 

Finally, also assuming all is well, do keep in mind that if you both are working, you will likely pay more in taxes at tax time every year once legally married. Some couples purposely do not legally marry due to this “marriage penalty”. And yes, it happens a lot. Marriage “bonus” is not a given. This is why in many divorce courts, you must have witness that you and your spouse are truly seperated because some couples have found out after marriage how much they owe in taxes due to marital status and try to divorce to save money (but still happily be a couple in reality).

We’d love to hear back from you.

Post # 36
Member
841 posts
Busy bee

Why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free?

Post # 37
Hostess
9645 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

You have 0 legal protections for your home and business from what it sounds. He either needs to marry you, or you stop contributing to the mortgage and set a walk date. 

And yes, a child is a MUCH bigger commitment financially and emotionally than a wedding. At this point, you guys may as well just go to the courthouse and elope. There’s no point in waiting, other than him stalling you out, which makes me wonder if he has ulterior motives. Like never marrying you, taking the home and business and possibly fighting for custody of your daughter. You’re going to be a family unit, he needs to act like he actually wants it and marry you.

Post # 38
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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MrsBuesleBee :  Agree 10000 times: “doesn’t want to make a “big financial commitment” just wants to take your money!

OP since your name is not on the house and you do not have the protection of a marriage, do you at least have a cohabitation agreement spelling out the division of assets should you two split up?  Hint: Get one, like yesterday.

Post # 39
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

This is a hot mess all around bee. There is NO way I’d be paying for a house w/o my name on it. There is no way I’d have a kid w/o marriage (but that’s just me). 

You need to pick a walk date. We went to the courthouse and got married for $80.

Post # 40
Member
1761 posts
Buzzing bee

First, get your name on that house!  If you break up, he can say your name was never on the deed and screw you out of half of that house.  Why he never even put your name on it in the first place when you decided to buy a house TOGETHER sounds really fishy to me. And why did you not insist on it if you were in it financially with him?  And now you have a business together and a baby on the way.  If marriage is so important to you, why didn’t you just tell him you wanted to get married first before embarking on these huge commitments together?  At this point, I suggest you ask him to marry you and just go to the courthouse as another bee suggested. If he can’t do that, then you have to decide what is best for you – to stay with him because you love him, even if marriage might not happen and wait it out as long as you can, or leave.  Weddings don’t have to be expensive if he is worried about the cost.

Post # 42
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

What you allow is what will continue. 

Post # 43
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

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chrissybr :  It’s not “it is what it is” as you can change the title/deed situation. That needs to be priority right now. Sounds like he’s a good guy to you, so have this discussion today so he can get the ball rolling on adding your name to title.

Again, make sure the title is “Joint Tenancy” rather than “Tenants in Common”. Look up the difference and you’ll see why, especially regarding who inherits half the house in one situation vs the other.

Besides this, I understand that you’re tired of waiting. But if everything else is as great as you say it is, then I’m sure part of you’re wanting marriage so bad is simply because it is societal norms and you’re tired of the questions. Don’t want it so bad that it back-fires and you wonder if he only proposed because you pushed it.

Instead, celebrate today and what you have today. You have what sounds like a healthy relationship otherwise…probably stronger than many marriages.You got through a rough patch and that’s great.

Your relationship might be different than the apparent “norm” since people expect proposals within the first year or few years.

Please don’t put the house thing on the back-burner though. This is super important. None of this “it is what it is” mindset….this is fixable and you really should demand this.

I have a friend that did the same as you. Her SO, though, was trying to tell her that because she wasn’t on the mortgage, that she couldn’t be on the deed. That is completely and utterly false. She put money into that house and got nothing out of it when they divorced a short time after their wedding.

Post # 44
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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nicoleivy2004 :  +1

“It is what it is” is no way to live your life bee. “It is” what you make it. Don’t be a passive participant in your own life. It’s time to call your partner out on his bullshit. And I do call it bullshit. You can’t tell a person you want to get married, ask her parents for permission to marry her, decide on a venue for the wedding, buy a house, have a child, and then be like “jk it’s not a good time.” That’s just bullshit…there is no other word.

As for your rough patch being the reason for delaying – I’m guessing you’re past that if you decided to bring a child into the mix? (Unless it was an oops.) So there’s another bullshit excuse.

Time to have the blunt convo where you demand that he tell you what really gives.

Post # 45
Member
6344 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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chrissybr :  “It may have not been the wisest choice, but it is what it is.”

No no no no no. You can still fix this! Please do it NOW! Regardless of if you’re 110% positive you two will stay together forever, you have to protect yourself. As PPs said before, what if he unexpectedly passes away? It’s a horrible thought but stuff like this happens every day. You’ll be screwed. 

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