(Closed) Pregnant, 5 years together…sad…give up waiting?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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chrissybr :  “all is well with our relationship” – you mean, except for the part where you’re pregnant and want to be married and he’s not marrying you right now. 

so, the part that you want isn’t going well. 

Look, I disagree with a lot of what’s been written on this thread, specifically the cow analogy. If you are happy like this, more power to you. But you started this thread because you are not happy like this. 

It’s not because you gave him something for “free” – that’s only true if a person feels they need to manipulate their partner into marrying them to “Get” something, as opposed to both partners choosing an arrangement that mutually works for them.

but you aren’t happy, you want marriage. What is the hold up? Specifically, what right now is stopping him from going with you to the courthouse. Today. 

Post # 47
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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chrissybr :  OK look. The time for the when-is-he-going-to-propose business is over.  That ship sailed so long ago it is never coming back.  If he wanted to do that, he should have done it, but he missed his chance.  Oh well.

You have a house, a business, and a child.  You just need to lock down the official marriage part and you’ll be done.  He doesn’t need to propose, get a ring, or get anyone’s permission other than yours.  The ONLY reason he could possibly have for not marrying you is that he doesn’t love you.  

So this is what you do.  You find a date in the next couple of weeks that works for both of you.  You tell him “let’s go get married Friday afternoon.  I’ll make the arrangements with the courthouse and we would need to get our marriage license by Wednesday.”  If he’s like “great babe.  Thanks for organizing.”  then you get married!  If he balks, you have your answer.  I’d leave in that case.  There’s no shame in wanting that kind of commitment from your partner.

Post # 48
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

It is amazing when someone writes about “waiting” and mentions how “great” the relationship is or how their SO is such a “great” guy.

He may truly be a great guy… But if a “great” guy KNOWS his SO wants marriage, why on earth would this “great” guy buy a home and have a child(ren) with this person KNOWING he isn’t ready for marriage??? IMO, that makes him a jerk. 

 

Post # 49
Member
1423 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Girl what century are you living in that you don’t feel like you need to protect your financial assets? If not for you, then do it for your child… 

Post # 50
Member
1761 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t mean to scare you, but you sound just like a lady I used to work with. She had everything with this guy – house, cars, kids, business venture, investments, etc.  Everything BUT marriage.  It was something she always wanted but he kept making excuses.  So she kept on making excuses for him saying they’re happy, all is well, they’re focusing on the kids and business, etc.  It took 30 years for him to finally agree to marry her!!  While I was very happy for her that they finally got married, I was also sad for her that she waited 30 years for it to happen!  Don’t wait around for someone who’s never going to come around. Life is short and if marriage is something that’s really important to you, then you should be with someone that wants to marry you.

Post # 51
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

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lovesbooks99 :  okay, I thought you were gonna tell some awful story of how in the end, he screwed her over and took all the assets that her name wasn’t on. But it was a happy ending, but you felt sad for her! Why? Just because you can’t imagine waiting 30 years for marriage doesn’t mean they didn’t/don’t indeed have a happy relationship without the marriage. You can’t project your beliefs on other people.

Post # 52
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

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nicoleivy2004 :  What’s happy about one partner being willing to let another suffer emotionally for 30 years because she wants marriage?  Not wanting the same level of commitment in a relationship is a deal breaker.  If marriage was truly just an insignificant piece of paper (it’s not), then the marriage wouldn’t have taken 30 years to take place. 

Post # 53
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

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litttlemisslamb :  If someone is “suffering” that badly, then they shouldn’t stick around. I’m simply saying that just because you (or others) might believe it’s to suffer/live in misery/etc by being in a long-term relationship before getting married doesn’t mean all people think that.

Some people want marriage on varying levels. For example, I would have liked marriage sooner than I got it, but it wasn’t THAT big of a deal. In fact, some of the wanting marriage may really prompted by the seemingly constant barage of questions and comments.

People can want marraige, but not want it so badly that it’s a make or break situation.

Post # 54
Member
1761 posts
Buzzing bee

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nicoleivy2004 :  I felt sad for her because she was sad about it.  I thought she had a great life with this guy. But when she explained to me that all of her friends got married and she never did and how her parents never got to see her marry before they died and how her kids asked how come mom and dad never got married, etc., and it made her really sad, of course I felt sad for her.  I didn’t project my beliefs on her at all.  I don’t think marriage is meant for everyone, but I do think people should be happy and not give up on their dreams of marriage if that’s something they want. Yes, they did end up getting married and I was very happy for her but feeling sad for someone when they’re sad about something is in our human nature.

Post # 55
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

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lovesbooks99 :  Well, girl, you didn’t say that important detail the first time! wink

Post # 57
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee

“Amazing” guys don’t put their long-term, committed girlfriends in a position where they are wide open to financial distress.  They respect you enough to want you to be protected should the “worst case” happen.

 

If he dies, hope you’ve saved a nest egg because you’re going out on the street.  His family has more legal claim to the home you both live in and pay for than you do.  Depending on how your business is structured, his family could be your new business partner and force you to sell or shut it down.  If he has medical problems, you will have NO right to make decisions or even be informed about his medical status- ie, imagine he has a heart attack or is in a major car accident and the hospital doesn’t even call you.    This is the father of your child we’re talking about!!!! 

 

If he won’t take proper care of you, then at the minimum make sure he sets up a will as soon as your LO is born, making LO the beneficiary of his estate.  

 

If you’re going to stand by and let him screw your over (because he isn’t going to propose any time soon…possibly ever), at least insist that he legally protects your child.

 

Me? I’d be lawyering up.  But I wouldn’t have paid for a house I don’t own nor would I have a child with someone who shows no intention to marry me. 

Post # 58
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2022 - Maui

buy a couple wedding bands and book that courthouse ASAP.

if he refuses, then start separating assets and contact a lawyer.

Post # 59
Member
4372 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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BalletParker :  +1 your advice is always on point 

You need to put him on the spot at this point OP. Call his bluff if you will….

Pick a date and tell him you want to go to the courthouse. Tell him you’re going to look for some wedding rings together and on that day you will drive there to get married, no if ands or buts… If he balks, gives excuses or isn’t 100% down, you will then know how he TRULY feels. And if that is the way he reacts (I hope he doesn’t disappoint you) then you know what to do. And if I were you I would be done. 

Post # 60
Member
4372 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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danakxox :  I wrote my comment before I read yours! I agree with your advice 100% she needs to call his bluff. It’s now or never.. And I usually hate ultimatums but in this case it is warranted…

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