Post # 1
I live 1200 miles from family, mine and DH’s. My family has been great about not mentioning trips home etc. I think my mom told them that I can’t handle it right now. 🙂 Love my mom! Emotionally I can’t handle all the stress that goes into a trip home and physically I just can’t do it right now. Nor can we afford it. I have 3 weeks of paid vacation time (which is common knowledge to both side of our family) and I am saving it for maternity leave because I’m not even sure I can take more than that, not sure if we can really afford it honestly.
Anyway, my Mother-In-Law keeps insisting that I go home for a baby shower. I have tried to explain to her how impossible that is with travel prices or even gas prices but she keeps insisting. I informed her of the vacation time and maternity leave problem and that still doesn’t seem to phase her.
Anyway, I know this is partly my fault: today I emailed them all a picture and update. Part of the email read “I know everyone is anxious to see us, unfortunately I will not be making any travel plans for quite some time. I only have 3 weeks of vacation time and I am saving that for maternity leave. :)” because of the issues I mentioned.
Mother-In-Law just emailed back to say they want to do a shower during Christmas. I am so annoyed because I’m pretty sure we won’t be going home for Christmas either. I mean, I will not have vacation time, Darling Husband is in a temp position at his job and doesn’t have vacation time or anything either, so we would literally be losing money (in expenses and lost wages) to make the trip which is just not feasible at this time. I just don’t know how to nicely tell her to shut up about a baby shower that I don’t even want from her. We have a really rocky relationship anyway and being around her stresses me out too much.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because I am grateful that they are even taking an interest in the baby. I just feel like she wants to have a baby shower to be the center of attention. “oh…..you’re gonna be a grandma again” She THRIVES on that, and I just don’t want to be around it. Not to mention I kind of feel like a 1200 mile trip for a baby shower is a bit much…Help bees, I don’t know what to do or say anymore!
Post # 3
I know how you feel since we live far from family and have very limited means to travel with my husbands’ PTO my temp position with no vacation. All I can say is ‘make sure you get your priorities right’. Although it pained me to see our bank account get so low we’ve taken trips, Darling Husband has flown home because of family issues and the guilt that comes with living far away. They’re of course not as often as we’d like but sometimes we just bit the bullet and do it. I’d make sure your family knows you can travel to see them now, or perhaps after the baby comes – I bet they choose after!
Post # 4
One of the challenges we have in life is to learn to deal with people who don’t hear or respect our decisions.
Just keep repeating what you ahve already said. Do not get involved with making any other excuses and do not let this woman pressure you into a decision that is finacially unwise for you.
Try the sandwich technique-say something nice, restate your decision, then say something nice again.
“I am so gratful that you want to host a shower for us. I’m sad that we won’t be able to make a trip home before the baby is born. We are so lucky to have family who cares so much for us and the baby we are expecting.”
You could suggest that if she really want sto host the shower, your mom could stand in for you. Perhaps you could skype into the shower. I have attended a shower like this for a girlfriend and we all had a great time catching up with the bride.
Young couples are often pressured to be the ones who travel. You will experience this pressure after your child is born on occasions like Christmas etc. At sometime you may have to decide that you are staying home and invite family to join you. After all, it is much easier for mature adults to travel than a family with young children and all their gear.
Post # 5
I think most of the reason I am so frustrated too is that we ALWAYS make the trip. ALWAYS. Without asking for help. My parents offer to help and we gladly accept, but NOTHING from his family EVER. His mom has visited once in the 3 years I have been here. The rest of his family really hasn’t. His sister and her Fiance stopped in after visiting his family for a week and stayed the night, we barely saw them but they are always welcome to stay with us. My mom has visited about once a year. His family is all mad at us too because we informed them we will not be at his sister’s destination wedding in Jamaica in April. It just isn’t feasible to go out of the country without our baby (or with) and no childcare for an extended time. If they got married in our homestate, we would be there, but we won’t be going out of the country. We don’t even take vacations anywhere other than going home to visit.
His mom was just down here on vacation with her friends and didn’t say anything about it to us. Didn’t even give us the option of driving 4 hours to see her (which we would have done). So I really have no qualms about telling her no. I just don’t know how many more ways I can tell her no without blowing up.
Post # 6
@julies1949: I’m sure they will be so happy to hear that I am not planning to come home for Christmas either…LOL I will be going back to work in December (if I take the 12 weeks) and really won’t have any vacation time or any money for traveling. I just don’t know why they keep assuming we will be home for Christmas? We have explained the situation over and over. 🙁 It just stinks. I hate dealing with this.
ETA: I wouldn’t put my mother through that. She can’t stand DH’s family AT ALL. LOL
Post # 7
You will never be able to control what someone else says or does.
The only thing you can control is your own reaction.
If your Mother-In-Law was within 4 hrs of you and didn’t bother to visit or even contact you, why are you letting her guilt trip you so much for not coming home?
Post # 8
Stand firm, and repeat. Tell her if she really wants to, save up money and come visit YOU.
Post # 9
@Miss Lily: tell her if she wants to throw you a shower, she can come to YOU. 😉 Bet she changes her tune quickly.
Seriously, that is EXACTLY what I would say. She either forks over the money for the trip or she comes to you. ALL is fair when it comes to babies and war 😉
good luck!!!! and sorry you’ve gotta deal with this!
Post # 10
She tried to guilt me into it by saying she’d go in on a ticket with my mom. I just fail to understand why this is such a huge deal to her. I have no vacation time. The answer is still no. I’m not going to go home for 2 days, that’s not even worth the trip, and my work schedule doesn’t allow for a longer trip. I kind of want to tell her that instead of spending money on a plane ticket for me, she should put the money toward something we need…like the crib. 🙂
Post # 11
Have you suggested that SHE come out to visit you?
I think you just need to put this on her.
It’s not fair for her to kinda pressure and bully you into coming when you have said over and over that it is not going to work and given her all the reasons.
I think one good awnser for turning down a trip after the baby is “Life with a new baby is so unexpected. We will be adjusting to all the changes and for that reason, we cannot commit to any plans. We will also not have very much time off work and as everyone knows….money is tight when you start a family. I think it would be easier for everyone if you planned a trip to visit us”
I know she keeps pushing the shower idea, but just tell her that it is not going to happen and she is more than welcome to come out and visit you guys if she would like to.
I’m sorry…I know how annoying family can be
Post # 12
We’ll save that for when she starts pushing us to go home for Christmas…She can hate me all she wants. 🙂