(Closed) Pregnant and husband being deployed to afganistan

posted 7 years ago in Military
Post # 3
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Let me first just offer my condolence. I can’t imagine how you are feeling.

Have you thought about having your mom, or another close family member come help you with the end of your pregnancy?

My cousin was in the same situation you are in now, and while I don’t know your husband, I do know that military men are conditioned to be “the rock”. He might be putting on a strong face for you. He might think that seeing him all torn up about it might make him leaving that much more difficult. My cousin had her mom stay with her for a few months while she worked through the end of her pregnancy and the first few months after. Having someone close to you will help you immensely. As far as your husband missing out, get yourself a Flip video (or something similar). Take lots of pictures and videos. I’m sure he’ll appreciate being able to be apart of things from a far. It might also mitigate the feeling of missing out.

Good luck and please thank your husband for serving our country. His sacrifice makes this country safer for everyone.

Post # 4
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m so sorry to hear that :(. My husband is deployed right now. I’m not pregnant but I can’t imagine him being gone during my pregnancy. Are you guys stationed somewhere or is he reserves/guard? I know at my base at least, there is an ENORMOUS out pour of help while your husband is gone. Other wives will offer a huge support system for you. Online I know you can find a lot of forums like the bee for wives going through deployments, and women who are going exactly what you are going through if that helps you at all. I know that before my husband deploys, he acts like it is no big deal and that he is excited to go – and then as soon as he gets there he is ready to come home lol. He is just trying to stay strong for you. Keep your head up girl, you can’t stop the inevitable so we just have to make the best of it! Definitely check out those other forums and resources, I know they will have tons of advice on how to keep them involved in the pregnancy.

Also, has he talked to his first shirt about maybe deploying at a later date? I know some guys in my husband’s squadron have been able to switch with someone else because of family/marital matters. It can’t hurt for him to check it out and ask!

Post # 5
Member
46388 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Unfortunately this goes with the territory when you marry a man in the military.

I am sure it is tough but what your husband needs is for you to buck up and support him.

Venting here, or in private with your friends, is better than complaining to him.

 It will be even worse for him to be overseas if he knows you are falling apart at the seams.

Post # 7
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

It’s hard.. I totally feel for you. My husband is in the military, but is coast guard. I haven’t had to deal with too many long periods of him being gone, but I do know what it is like to have a husband who is never home; mine is at the base about 80% of the time and I along with our daughter spend the majority of our nights at home alone.

The first thing you need to do is cry… you need and deserve to let your emotion out. Next is to find someone, close friend or family, to come and stay with you towards the end of your pregnancy and the beginning of your new childs life. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to do that alone.. not just because you need help, but just because you’ll want someone else there to have some moral support. I’m so sorry =( They always pick the worst times,huh?

Post # 8
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You need to tap into the FRG benefits you have. Those women will be there to help you since your husband basically only gets to pick if he’ll be there for the birth or your recovery. A lot of military wives don’t work and MANY are more than happy to come spend time with you and hang out with you because they are in the exact same situations.

I don’t know that he’s necessarily in denial, though–it just comes with the territory and everybody knows that. He knows that, but dwelling on it won’t help.

I’m watching a friend go through this currently–he got deployed when the baby was just a month or so old, and he was stationed in Korea for all of her pregnancy. It’s tough, but you can do it. Rely on people you need and just look forward to the time he comes home. My friend also got a job on base, which she says has been a Godsend. It helps time go by SO much faster for her. Maybe that is an option when your baby is a little older. The military encourages being busy while your husband is deployed (obviously a baby will keep you busy, but you may want something different going on in your life), such as a job, going back to school, community work, etc.

If you aren’t happy being a military wife, though, you need to talk to him about if he’s going to be a lifer or not.

And i completely agree with jules. Do not complain to him about it, complain to us or the military support forums or women on base you meet. Most of them are some emotionally tough ladies, so perhaps you can draw some inspiration from them. Most military wives have probably gone through a pregnancy with a deployed husband. Letting him know you are falling apart, though, is the biggest distraction he can have while he’s gone, which isn’t beneficial to everyone.

Cry, get it out of your system, then put your chin up and be determined. This is a solid time for you to be HIS rock. It’s going to be hard on him, too, don’t kid yourself. He’s going to be sleeping in a crappy bunk, working 7 days a week, 14 hour days, dealing with 120+ degree weather, and be away from his family and friends–be strong for him!

Post # 9
Member
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I’m sorry.  My fiance is in the army, and while I’m dealing with separation for training right now, I am not looking forward to deployment.  Go ahead and cry- you need to!

One thing I have thought, which I don’t know if this helps you, is that I had thought that I would want to be pregnant while he was deployed, because it would be better to have him gone before the baby comes than after it is here, and especially when baby is older.  Or, for example, it would be better for him to be gone during the first year of baby’s life than later when baby is old enough to miss him.  I know its harder on you, and it doesn’t help your older kids, but after the initial shock fades, maybe you can start finding some silver linings of this timing and try to focus on those instead of the sucky parts.

Post # 10
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I would talk to the FRO, and also make sure he can’t change his R&R time.  I know there are people who are home for the births of their children/first week of life, I think it’s just a matter of your service/unit.  I would make sure that’s not a possibility, but also definitely lean on your FRO and other wives (even husbands!) in your hubby’s unit.  They’re used to helping out and honestly, it makes time go by faster when there’s something else to dwell on. 

 

Post # 13
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Is your husband in a special sector of the military?

There are provisions in place for military personnel to come home when their wives have babies. It’s considered an emergency–soldiers get special leave all the time for extenuating circumstances, aside from traditional R&R. It’s definitely worth inquiring about and seeing why your husband isn’t granted this opportunity.

Also–this may sound like a big expense, but since your husband will be making tax-free pay (yay!) and you have free medical (yay tricare!) and you’ll be working, could you consider hiring some help for a few days or a couple of weeks since you won’t have your husband around? it could be a huge relief just to have someone come cook for you, pick up, do your childrens’ laundry, etc, while you have a newborn. The extra money your husband is making would more than offset that cost.

Post # 14
Member
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Yeah, that is frustrating, especially with your experience with labor/ delivery before.  You sound prepared though- you are doing a great job.  Keep it up!

Post # 15
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am sorry you are going through this.  There are many military sites out there just like this one that have specific forums for mothers with deployed husbands, you should look into joining one of those for a little bit of extra support from women going through exactly what you are.

Support sites are great for the venting of some of the things going on but to not talk to him and walk around like everything is great is not ok. Yes he is stressed out, worried and is filled with a million emotions he is still your husband.  He has to know you are worried and scared and the two of you should be able to talk about this. After the two of you have a good cry together start working on your deployment plan….just a few ideas

Get a few of the new Hallmark books which record his voice reading the story.

Have him pick out the babys homecoming outfit.

Have a special daddy day with each one.

Go to build a bear and have them make the bears but add the voice recording of him to them.

Talk about care packages and what kinds you can make.

Pick a way to count down (bowl full of Hershey kisses and each night the get one when the bowl is almost gone daddy will be home).

Get a webcam and talk to the hospital about him being able to skype while you are giving birth.

Start working on the baby’s room together.

Take some maternity pictures with him.

 

As much as pre-deployment sucks try to enjoy this time you have together. If it is playing in the snow or going for a walk or having movie night just enjoy the time you have. There will be stressful times before he leaves but be open and honest with him.  Good luck and if you need anything feel free to send me a message.

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