Post # 1
I have only been married since early August-not even 6 months yet. In that short time, I haven’t been happy and I don’t think my husband has been either. We had a pretty good relationship prior to engagement but since then, it’s been nothing but stress. Planning the wedding was stressful. My husband was originally from my town, but lived 2 hours away from me when we were dating because of work and we really only saw each other on weekends and 1 night during the week. When we got married, I moved in with him 2 hours away. Away from my family, friends, job, etc. I had to get a new job and I’m not very happy in it. I knew getting married would be hard but all the changes have made me miserable. To make matters harder, his teenage daughter came to live with us full time, almost immediately after we returned from our honeymoon. We never got time to ourselves to be newlyweds…now I’m a stepmom. I love his daughter but it hasn’t been easy-she’s moody and difficult like most teenagers.
My husband and I have been fighting more often than not in the last few months. The fights are about everything from chores to time spent together. We don’t seem to agree on much at all. He supposedly quit smoking before we started dating but I’ve discovered him smoking on multiple occasions. Part of the biggest issue I have is I believe he is selfish. Case in point: this weekend we spent in our hometown 2 hours away from where we live. Our parents live in the same town. When we go home, my parents or his parents want us to stay with them. But my husband wants to stay with his best friend, who happens to be single. I’m not comfortable staying there even though I know his best friend well. I’d prefer we stay with either set of parents. But Darling Husband wants to relive his younger days and go out with his single friend until wee hours in the morning. I think this is disrespectful and it’s basically as if he’s out all night and not coming home. I ended up staying with my parents and of course, they’re asking me where he is and why he’s not staying. This has happened every time we go there for the weekend. It’s embarrassing. Then, the next day, he spends the entire day with his friend instead of me. Saturday night we had plans to go to my friend’s house to see her new baby for the first time and all he did was complain that he didn’t want to go and tried to make me commit to staying only half an hour. I got so fed up with him I told him not to go at all and went without him. There were several couples there and I was the only one who showed up without a husband. I knew if I had brought him, he’d have been whispering all night that he wanted to leave. None of the other husbands were doing that. I just feel like he is selfish. Of course he didn’t stay with me that night and the next day he was calling me as though nothing happened. No apology. This is just one example of course but its ongoing daily. I could go on and on about our arguments but it would take too long. He refuses to go to marital counseling.
The thing I have been thinking is I want him to change so badly but the things I want to change about him are things he can’t change: things that are intrinsically him, like his personality and his interests and his attitude. I can’t change those things. To me divorce is looking better and better, sadly.
Now…here’s the kicker. I discovered I’m pregnant a couple weeks ago. It was not planned but I went off the pill 3 months ago due to some side effects and we have been using condoms, but admittedly not every single time. I’m happy about the pregnancy but I don’t want to bring a child into a bad marriage. This has me thinking more than I ever I need to leave him. I know it’s difficult to be a single mom but I make good money and I have a strong family support system.
Luckily im going to be gone this whole week for work so I have time to think about what I want. I talked to him this morning and let him know my thoughts and he thinks we can work it out just by being more patient with each other. To me, that’s not a solution. Complete behavior needs to change. And in my mind it’s not going to. To me, things will only worsen with a baby.
I don’t know why I posted except to just get my feelings out there. It has helped to write my thoughts out.
Post # 2
Wow. He doesn’t sound ready to be a husband, let alone a new father. Where is the teenage daughter when you travel to your hometown? Is he responsible with her?
Counseling would be my advice. Do you think he would change his mind knowing you are going to be parents? Divorce or no, you are going to have to deal with him for a very long time if you have a child together. Good luck, Bee.
Post # 3
beethree: sorry-I should have mentioned that she sees her mom once a month. So she was with her mom this past weekend.
Post # 4
I definitely would consider counseling first. Sounds like there are things you two need to communicate about. I hope it gets better bee!
Post # 5
beethree: I talked to him about that today, and he said he doesn’t believe in counseling but if I really want it he will do it. But in my opinion he won’t be open to the counselor’s suggestions and he will just be going through the motions. I will do it just to try it but I don’t have high expectations.
Post # 6
lmnop1984: Have you told him you’re pregnant?
Post # 7
Did you know about any of this behavior before you married him? I only ask because you basically say you want to change his entire personality – unless he drastically changed right after you got married, I’m assuming you knew what his personality was like when you married him, right? Did you know about the teenage daughter coming to live there? If you did and agreed to it before, then you are going to have to live with that. If you didn’t and he sprung it on you after you got married, then yeah, that sucks and is a major issue.
To me it sounds like a bad match. Maybe living apart meant you didn’t see the real him, or you were just excited to get married and overlooked some things. Counseling might help, but I kind of doubt it if you want him to change literally everything about himself.
Post # 8
lmnop1984: “work it out by being more patient with each other” sounds to me like “I don’t want to change anything, so if you can just start tolerating my shitty behavior, everything will be ok”. I would tell him that you find his behavior intolerable, and insist on counseling. If he still says no, I’d start talking to a lawyer. I’m very sorry you found yourself married to a man-child.
Post # 9
acglandorf: yes of course. I should have mentioned that. He was there when I took the test and at my first dr. appointment.
Post # 10
You two really need counseling. You arguments about chores and things like that are actually something that the therapist could really help with.
However, he has to be open to it. I think you should encourage him to try it. Maybe the counselor will be able to change his mind about the benefits of getting help. But if he seems closed off to it, you’ve gotta leave.
Also, I think you’re completely right. Don’t bring a baby into a negative environment like that one. You don’t want your child growing up thinking that’s how love is, that you’re supposed to treat your partner that way. No way. I love the quote, “Only be with a man if you’d be proud to have a son exactly like him.”
Post # 11
lmnop1984: He doesn’t really sound like he wants to be married, it’s sadly like he uses you to fill the gaps when he isn’t with his friends etc (that sounds really mean and I don’t intend it to be). He sounds like he is doing a piss poor job of being your husband. I can understand him wanting to occassionally have a boys night out with his friend but he should be staying where you are staying and attending big things like seeing a new baby, even if it bores him shitless, it’s kind of what he signed up for when he asked you to be his wife. These people are important to you, so by extention they should be important to him – or at least important enough to fake it!
I struggle to think how a man who acts like that with you now would ever make a good father. I don’t think just being a bit more patient will fix it all.
Post # 12
I agree with you that his behavior is selfish and disrespectful. I would draw a line in the sand. Counseling or else. If you do split up, can you imagine sharing custody?
I agree that his idea of a solution, ie “being more patient with one another” is probably code for leaving him alone to do as he pleases.
Post # 13
beebee1983: We had our issues dating but we we had far less stress dating. His daughter decided right after we got married that she wanted to come live with us. He is a good dad to her and I’m glad she lives with us but it has added stress. When we were dating she lived with her mom and we didn’t have daily parenting decisions which have caused some strife. I also lived alone with the exception of him on the weekends. I’m a homebody and he gets bored easily and wants to constantly be on the move. Some of it might be a bad match, but a lot of it has to do with big lifestyle changes since we got married.
Post # 14
I agree with what you are saying about will not be able to change things that is intrinsically him. He will suffer, and you will suffer.
I know people will flame me, but if you ask me, and if you can’t bear the thought of may not loving the child and not having the child under good family environment (it is hard to be in a single parent family, and also in a non-loving couples), then I’d say go ahead and abort the baby, and divorce.
If you want to divorce and keep the baby, it is ok too.
Some bees mention about councelling, though be careful about the time limit for abortion.
Post # 15
lmnop1984: Was he happy? Is his behavior new? B/C maybe he’s anxious about the baby. Midlife crisis? Whatever it is, it’s counseling or else. And if he says no counseling then tell him that you’re considering a divorce b/c this just isn’t working out for you anymore and you don’t want to bring a baby into this mess. Either he straightens up and helps fix the problems or you’ll see him in court for child support.