(Closed) Pregnant…and strongly considering divorce (long, sorry)

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
6783 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Wow. He doesn’t sound ready to be a husband, let alone a new father. Where is the teenage daughter when you travel to your hometown? Is he responsible with her? 

Counseling would be my advice. Do you think he would change his mind knowing you are going to be parents? Divorce or no, you are going to have to deal with him for a very long time if you have a child together. Good luck, Bee. 

Post # 4
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I definitely would consider counseling first. Sounds like there are things you two need to communicate about. I hope it gets better bee!

Post # 6
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

lmnop1984:  Have you told him you’re pregnant?

Post # 7
1309 posts
Bumble bee

Did you know about any of this behavior before you married him? I only ask because you basically say you want to change his entire personality – unless he drastically changed right after you got married, I’m assuming you knew what his personality was like when you married him, right? Did you know about the teenage daughter coming to live there? If you did and agreed to it before, then you are going to have to live with that. If you didn’t and he sprung it on you after you got married, then yeah, that sucks and is a major issue.

To me it sounds like a bad match. Maybe living apart meant you didn’t see the real him, or you were just excited to get married and overlooked some things. Counseling might help, but I kind of doubt it if you want him to change literally everything about himself. 

Post # 8
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

lmnop1984:  “work it out by being more patient with each other” sounds to me like “I don’t want to change anything, so if you can just start tolerating my shitty behavior, everything will be ok”. I would tell him that you find his behavior intolerable, and insist on counseling. If he still says no, I’d start talking to a lawyer. I’m very sorry you found yourself married to a man-child. 

Post # 10
3427 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You two really need counseling. You arguments about chores and things like that are actually something that the therapist could really help with.

However, he has to be open to it. I think you should encourage him to try it. Maybe the counselor will be able to change his mind about the benefits of getting help. But if he seems closed off to it, you’ve gotta leave. 

Also, I think you’re completely right. Don’t bring a baby into a negative environment like that one. You don’t want your child growing up thinking that’s how love is, that you’re supposed to treat your partner that way. No way. I love the quote, “Only be with a man if you’d be proud to have a son exactly like him.”

Post # 11
8747 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

lmnop1984:  He doesn’t really sound like he wants to be married, it’s sadly like he uses you to fill the gaps when he isn’t with his friends etc (that sounds really mean and I don’t intend it to be). He sounds like he is doing a piss poor job of being your husband. I can understand him wanting to occassionally have a boys night out with his friend but he should be staying where you are staying and attending big things like seeing a new baby, even if it bores him shitless, it’s kind of what he signed up for when he asked you to be his wife. These people are important to you, so by extention they should be important to him  – or at least important enough to fake it!


I struggle to think how a man who acts like that with you now would ever make a good father. I don’t think just being a bit more patient will fix it all.

Post # 12
12232 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I agree with you that his behavior is selfish and disrespectful. I would draw a line in the sand. Counseling or else. If you do split up, can you imagine sharing custody?  

I agree that his idea of a solution, ie “being more patient with one another” is probably code for leaving him alone to do as he pleases. 

Post # 14
726 posts
Busy bee

I agree with what you are saying about will not be able to change things that is intrinsically him. He will suffer, and you will suffer. 

I know people will flame me, but if you ask me, and if you can’t bear the thought of may not loving the child and not having the child under good family environment (it is hard to be in a single parent family, and also in a non-loving couples), then I’d say go ahead and abort the baby, and divorce.

If you want to divorce and keep the baby, it is ok too.  


Some bees mention about councelling, though be careful about the time limit for abortion.

Post # 15
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

lmnop1984:  Was he happy? Is his behavior new? B/C maybe he’s anxious about the baby. Midlife crisis? Whatever it is, it’s counseling or else. And if he says no counseling then tell him that you’re considering a divorce b/c this just isn’t working out for you anymore and you don’t want to bring a baby into this mess. Either he straightens up and helps fix the problems or you’ll see him in court for child support.

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