(Closed) Pregnant…and strongly considering divorce (long, sorry)

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
4100 posts
Honey bee

lmnop1984:  I would at least try counseling before walking away. I would give him a timeline. “DH, we are going to counseling. If I don’t start to see a positive change in our relationship within (x amount of time), I’m going to have to walk away from this marriage as I don’t want to bring a child into a hostile environment. Should the relationship not work out, we can discuss a formal custody arrangement.” And stick to your guns. Don’t let him manipulate you. 

Post # 17
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I don’t think you can change selfish. It will always be there. It’s going to Be a monumental effort to not be selfish for him, and that sort of effort is not one selfish people make easily. It doesn’t sound like he is committed to counselling, so take it with a grain of salt.

just decide which would be easier: being a single parent in every sense of the word (and fighting a selfish man for child support) or being a single parent in all but name (and fighting a roommate for him to kick in his share of living expenses). 

Post # 19
1290 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You’ve been through a lot of big changes in a short period of time. Moving to a whole new area, going from essentially visits with your Fiance to living together, becoming a stepmom, starting a new job — these are not small life changes!!

I would devote the next 6 months of your life to working really hard to give your current life a shot at getting off the ground. Put yourself out there for meeting friends, maybe keep an eye open for a better job opportunity, etc. Being pregnant may actually help as you can attend mom-to-be classes and other types of events to try to meet other expecting mothers, a good way to make friends. 

It does sound like your SO is quite immature, but I also feel like this isn’t a new development in the last 6 months. More likely, you’re now less patient for it and want it changed while before it didn’t bother you as much. This could be a symptom of being unhappy in other aspects of your life that you now have a lower tolerance for less-ideal-behavior from him. If you are having this baby, he’s going to be in your life regardless from this point onwards. It’s probably better to give your all to making it work. 

Even if he starts counseling by “going through the motions”, it doesn’t mean that he won’t glean something from it (and don’t forget…you’ll probably glean something from it too! Nobody is perfect!)

Give counselling a shot, put your all into setting up a life in your new location, and see what you can make of this marriage. If in 6 months time you’re still miserable and there’s been no progress, re-visit the divorce option.

Post # 21
11461 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I can relate to most of the first part of your story, but not the parts about your Darling Husband wanting to stay with his friend instead of either set of parents and his wanting to run around and relive his single days. 

As for the first part of your post, I, too, had a long-distance relationship prior to marriage and, in fact, had a long distance marriage for half of each week for most of the first year of our marriage until I could sell my house, resign from my job, and relocate to my husband’s state full time. I, too, became an instant stepmom (to two young ‘tweens/teens who lived with us 50 percent of the time.) And I also had almost zero time alone with my husband for the first several years of our marriage due to our divergent schedules and priorities. We fought constantly also.

I know how difficult it is to leave behind what essentially was your identity along with your friends (who were like family to me as I lived away from family by myself for 25 years), your support system (for me it was my friends and my church) as well as a job you loved. If someone hasn’t had to do this, he or she has no idea what’s that is like. It doesn’t surprise me at all that you’re miserable. I felt that way a lot of the time, too.

One of my friends said something that really shocked me, but it shed great light on the situation for me. He looked at me matter of factly after I vented about how hard things were, and he said, “Well, you died.” When I sat there  blankly staring at him, he explained that the person I was, the person I used to be, had indeed died, and I was having to birth a new identity as a wife, a pastor’s wife, a stepmother, all in an entirely new place. It explained why I was in so much emotional pain. Death IS painful, and I really did have to grieve the death of the life I had and learn to embrace my new identity.

(I am typing this on my phone, and I don’t want to lose it, so I am going to continue my thoughts in a second post. End of part 1.)

Post # 22
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I hate to be that girl, but I don’t think being stressed out or unhappy is grounds for immediate divorce. Humans are by nature selfish, and we have to keep ourselves in check and make an effort. It sounds like he is slacking off on keeping his selfishness in check, and he isn’t stopping to think how he’s making you feel. I only go for divorce under certain circumstances such as abuse and cheating. To be honest, if stress and your partner being selfish sometimes is something that is a dealbreaker, you probably shouldn’t be married at all. Sooner or later, you’d have had that phase where your bratty teenager is being a pain in the ass and his escape is to hang out with friends all night. Communicate. Do not threaten with divorce, either, because if you do that, his motives for working on things will be driven by fear of divorce. I am all for being happy and not stressed out, but nothing in life comes easily, and every marriage has stress and unhappiness at some point, whether it be sooner, like in your case, or later. I wish you nothing but good luck.

Post # 23
1290 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

lmnop1984:  You absolutely need a life outside of the marriage. Even if it was the happiest most fulfilling marriage ever – you still need to do you.

I’m glad that my post was helpful to you. I know how terrible that feeling of being completely uprooted and lonely is, your husband getting a new job with grueling work hours is only making it worse I’m sure. 

Honestly, it might be good for you to do couples therapy with him, but also see a counselor on your own to help you through this drastic transition. What you’ve been through the last 6 months is more then most people go through in a decade. 

Hang in there! Try to find that spark to life outside of your marriage, and maybe you’ll find that the spark comes back in the marriage too 🙂




Post # 24
11461 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Ok. I’m continuing my post here. (Please see above for part 1.)

One of the things that happens when people get married is that we bring all sorts of expectations with us into our marriages. Unfortunately, many turn out to be very unrealistic, even if we’ve seen many of our friends have those experiences or we’ve seen too many movies where relationships seem to be so fulfilling. Marriage takes place between two inherently selfish and flawed human beings, each having his or her own agenda.  For some couples, the distance between what each person wants and expects is very small, and compromise seems to be achieved more easily. For others, the differences in expectations between the partners can be much greater than we would have expected, and the potential for conflict is greater.

All of that is obviously exacerbated by external factors (i.e. relocation, stepchildren etc.) What tends to happen is that each of the partners ends up pulling away to avoid the pain, in essence “exiting” the relationship through any number of means (hanging out with friends instead of the other spouse, watching too much TV, playing video games excessively, over eating, etc.) By doing this consistently enough, couples begin to feel very distant from each other.

My Darling Husband and I went to counseling to learn how to overcome some of our differences and adjust our expectations. It wasn’t an easy process, but we both found it to be helpful. (We also are both strong Christians and oppose divorce, so we knew we were going to stay together, so we might as well learn to enjoy being married while we’re here.) With God’s help and some very useful resources (I’ll recommend those in a moment), and some good counseling, we have learned how to be better partners to each other.

I think your marriage can be saved if you and your husband are willing to put in the effort to try. I highly recommend finding a counselor who is trained in the Imago model, because it really explores the dynamics and phases of relationships as well as the wounds that people bring into marriage from their families of origin. 

I also recommend Family Life’s website (familylife.com) They have a ton of great resources as well as conferences across the country every spring and fall. They are designed for couples in all situations, from those who are newly engaged to those who are happily married to those who are in the late stages of divorce. I gave a set of CDs that I received at one of the conferences to a couple I barely know who were ready to divorce, and the resources helped this couple choose to work on their marriage. They are still together years later and had another child together.

Finally, I also recommend the book Love & War by John and Stasi Eldridge. It probably was the single most important reason that I was able to begin to understand what was happening in my marriage and what I needed to do to help fix it.

I wish you and your husband and developing baby the very best. Please don’t hesitate to PM me if you would like. It would be my pleasure to try to be of help.

Post # 25
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

lmnop1984:  I just wrote a very non-helpful post about my own parents’ marriage which has nothing to do with you, so I deleted it, haha.  I will just say you have gotten some excellent advice and you sound really smart and emotionally mature.  None of us can predict what will happen, but I am confident that it will all work out for the best.  Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  pickles325.
Post # 26
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

The first year of marriage and the first year after birth are the hardest times. In your  situation they’re happening all at the same time, and to add to the fray, you’ve moved and started a new job during the same time. I can’t imagine how difficult this time is for you. It sounds like your husband is dealing with almost the same thing as he was recently promoted. 

This is so much for one person, or one couple, to handle alone. I’d say to look for counseling, get some support as soon as you can. Even if your husband will only go because you want to, at least you have a starting point where he’ll go with you. 

Sending you my best wishes and thoughts. Good luck, lmnop1984.   

Post # 27
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I’ve had an ex like yours. His constant need to go somewhere, do something exciting and always stay busy made me feel like I wasnt good enough for him to just be with me- no distractions, just us 2 together. it’s hard. 

My brother and his wife have a similar dynamic to yours and your husbands but it works for them and they like it. He likes to have a busy social life and she is much more of a homebody. some weekends he will go to our cousins home for drinks and games and stay the night while she stays in and invites a girlfriend over. it works for them. 

First year of marriage can be very difficult, you have 2 people trying to blend their lives together and for sure that will mean some big and small issues. Having his teenage daughter move in is a burdance but id like to think that you knew beforehand about the possibility of her moving in. You could Have compromised with him and say that when visiting your hometown that you’ll stay with your parents one weekend together and then at his “single” friends the next weekend. I bet his friend is a good guy and you would have a good time there if you let yourself relax A bit. as for visiting your friends with the baby? Ya itcould be boring, especially if he is not close with anyone there. Try and compromise with him and set a timeframe for those type of visits, say, 2 hours? That’s fair. 

i understand that you’re upset and that you have completely different personalities and can’t agree on anything but that can be for NOW. Go to counselling, don’t make decisions and judgements about him and how he is going to act there before he even goes- that’s not fair and its judgemental. Give your marriage a good chance. But you BOTH have to change And meet in the middle. You kind of pooped on him for not doing anything you like but then went ahead and did everything you wanted to do. You both need to compromise more. If you love him then it will be worth it. 

Post # 28
1312 posts
Bumble bee

If you have this baby and get divorced, you will still have to deal with him for 18 years (but in reality, the rest of your life). Counseling needs to happen, whether it’s to save your marriage or to figure out how to co-parent/make life easier for y’all and your new child while being divorced. Personally I believe in trying really hard to save a marriage, especially in your case where there’s no abuse, infidelity, addiction, etc. A part of you must have known he was like this long before marriage, right?

Post # 29
6231 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I will start by saying I’m not usually one who is in the “this is not insurmountable and you can work through it” camp. But most of what you posted sounds like the growing pains of living together for the first time and getting to know someone on a level you had not previously experienced. Which is hard and often contains a lot of suckage.

You got married, moved 2 hours away from friends and community AND in with someone for the first time, changed to a job you do not like, suddenly have to take on full time step- parenting (when it wasn’t your decision) and now are contemplating becoming a mother as well. That is a lot of change and upheaval all in one year. Have you ever taken one of those stress tests that gives points based on what you’ve had going on in the past year? Basically- you just did several of the most stressful things a person can do in their life and you did it all in 6 months.

You need to slow down and maybe don’t make anymore major moves in your life for a few months. And let me tell you- you are naive about how hard it is to be a single mother. Talk to your husband- you JUST agreed to be with him in the good times and bad and now 6 months later you’re thinking of leaving him because he doesn’t do things the way you want him to? You might need to go spend some down time relaxing with your family and releasing some of the tension but I’d say don’t start plotting divorce until you at least get through your first year of marriage. If there’s no cheating, abuse or severe toxicity going on (and based on your post it doesn’t sound like there is), this is just part of the maturation process- yours as well as his. I’ve heard on more than one occasion that the first year contains a lot of growing pains and I know from my own experience of living with Fiance for the first time- there was a whole lot of Oh hell no.

And I know this wasn’t the whole point of your post but your husband not wanting to go look at someone’s baby is truly not that big a deal. Babies don’t do anything. It’s not that serious. You don’t know what happened at those other husbands’ homes that got them there at that event. I can’t imagine every single person there was like “Oh goody! Let’s go stand around and stare at this baby that’s too little to do anything.”

It sounds like your husband thinks that being married does not automatically mean being together for social activities. That’s disappointing if you want more time together but not something that cannot be overcome. Him spending the night at a friend’s house, on the other hand, sounds like something a wife has the rank to squash.

Take some time and space and get to know the man you married. Be gentle with yourself and him and just live your life for a few months. Then you can make adjustments based on your non negotiable needs and based on his and find something that works well for both of you.

This is not insurmountable. You can work through it.

Post # 30
3064 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

lmnop1984:  Well give him the chance to hear the counselor and make changes. I would at least TRY counselling and see what happens. He might not realize that these things are THAT bad for you

You are having a stressful year and dealing with a TON of changes. It is totally understandable that this could lead to stress in the marraige. I would just try counselling. See how he reacts. Then leave if it isn’t working for you

My Dh and I had a really rough first year of marriage. Outside stress can really make your relationship strained. Things are so so so much better now. It sounds like you can solve some of these issues by making compromises. You are adjusting still. 

Atleast give him the chance to TRY!

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