- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
This post has been a long time coming.. I’ve been trying to be patient, so this is my rant on the internet so I don’t yell at her..
I asked this girl, let’s call her Lily, to be my Bridesmaid or Best Man this summer.. Got engaged in July and had my BMs asked by the end of August.. I knew she’d been having issues with her boyfriend, because she cheated on him earlier in the year and ended up telling him in June.. According to her, she was supposed to be getting engaged the same weekend I did, but because of their argument he threw her ring into a field.
I have a few issues with this.
1-This guy has not had a job SINCE I’ve known him – which has been over 3 years now. He works under the table doing odd jobs, like tuning up cars and construction on houses.. Nothing official, because he never finished highschool and has no education.
2- Any money that he DOES make on these jobs, goes towards buying pot. Or “gas money” because even though he considers himself a mechanic, apparently it still costs him hundreds of dollars in gas every weekend. (His gf lives 3 hours away)
3- Even though I know Lily has wanted to get married for ages, SHE admits they’re not in the right place for it and that even though they talk about “being together forever” that it’s still not the right time. Not sure why she believes he’d randomly buy a ring (by himself?) but that’s what he claims.
Anyways, fastforward to this fall.. She comes over, we chat, she admits her period is late. We talk about contraception, and apparently she went off the pill a couple years ago because “in the back of her mind she’s always wanted kids” and that she wasn’t too worried.
She also said she has an app on her iPhone that allows you to keep track of when you’re ovulating and you can add info like when you’ve had sex and when he has.. finished inside her (Sorry for TMI!!).. this is important because they don’t use condoms..
Anyway, apparently since this summer (around the time I got engaged….) she stopped negotiating when they could be risky.. And while she still used the app, she was fully aware of the risk of when they were doing it and the potential for pregnancy.
Sorry this is getting long – I’ll summarize the rest. She took some pee tests at home, and then went to a doctor and is apparently pregnant. She still hasn’t had any bloodwork done, because the OB she was referred to won’t be available for another 4 weeks.. By then she’ll be 13 weeks.
Side note: I happen to be a doula, and my mom is a REALLY well known doula, who people really trust and she has TONS of resources and knowledge. And Lily has been friends with my family since we were babies. So I assumed she’d immediately tell my mom- if anyone (since that’s what all my friends have done!)
Current situation: My suggestion for her to call the midwives and book an intake appointment got ignored for three weeks, because her bf thinks that “midwives are from medieval times, and that was when you used your mom as a midwife so that’s not really an option” and when I sent her information and books, she said she’d pass it on. She said she called them, and I recently found out she lied about that. She JUST called them yesterday (since I had called them and referred her just in case it took her too long) and she told them no thank you.
She texts me with info she’s found reading a book that I highly UN recommended, and I respond with excitement that matches her, and try to be supportive while not pretending the info is 100% gospel. I also try to be supportive by texting her every few days and seeing how she is.. I know she’s struggling trying to quit smoking (ciggarettes and pot) and she was never big on eating much, let alone healthily, so I don’t bombard her with questions or judgments, I just ask how she’s doing and if she needs anything.
She refuses to tell her mom (until bf gets a job, otherwise ppl will judge and call him a bum), but she has told all her teachers at college. She won’t talk to my mom, who is confidential as this is her JOB.. And she doesn’t seem to care that I know more than she does about this.
I’ve taken a break from texting her at all – I want to be supportive in whatever way she needs, but she’s not making it easy. If I offer information, options, or research – she ignores it and tell me “what she’s heard” or what her stupid bf thinks. If I offer just support or a shoulder, she says she’s good. I offered to come with her for her first U/S if her bf can’t make it and she said “we’ll see”..
She’s been one of my best friends for a really long time. I don’t always agree with her life choices and decisions, but I’m there for her. There is really no balance between being there for her as (either) a resource, nor as a friend.
My worries: that she isn’t taking this seriously. She has no money and she’s just about to finish school – she can’t possibly afford to go on my wedding cruise (and if she backed out of it I’d be HAPPY because she’s being realistic and responsible, but the only thing she said about it was “aw I feel bad I’ll be all pregnant on your wedding day and everyone will be looking at me”)
Also, small part of me wonders if the pee tests I saw were false-positives and she’s letting me (and her bf?) think it’s real…? Just to keep him? Not sure.. Don’t want to think that..
I guess this is partially Not Wedding Related, but partially it is.. I can’t talk to her about wedding things – because I don’t want her to feel badly if she’s trying to tell me she can’t do it! But if she DOES choose to come, I want her to be part of the planning process!
Any words of encouragement would be GREATLY appreciated, fellow bees!! <3