Post # 1
a bit of a long story but bear with me…
I am getting married in March 09 and have three bridesmaids.
About 6 weeks ago bm#3 came to me and asked if it was ok if she was 3 months pregnant during my wedding (at this point she was just PLANNING to be) . Of course I said yes as i knew it would make her happy and 3 months really isn’t that much. A fortnight later I heard her talking to bm#1 and saying that she was planning on being six months pregnant at my wedding. I thought this was a bit strange as she had said three months to me. I let it slide as it seemed to make her happy. A fortnight ago we all went out dress shopping (bm#1, bm#2, bm#3 and me). As they were trying on dresses she announced that she could not fit into this dress at eight months pregnant.
That night i decided to ring her and have a chat. I told her that i was worried about her being 8 months pregnant at my wedding as it is a very long day and we will be getting in and out of limo’s all day, standing for long periods and i didn’t want to stress her out heavily pregnant and stress the unborn baby. Also that there is a higher chance of her having to go into hospital with complications or labour etc and her to miss our wedding. Her husband is best man so of course we could lose our best man too.
She was very rude to me and said pretty much that it was happening whether i liked it or not. I couldn’t seem to get it across to her how worried I really was. I then wrote her a 2 page letter explaining my feelings and how i was upset she dismissed my feelings.
She came around last night with her husband to tell us she was 6 weeks pregnant and that the baby was due three days after the wedding date.
What should i do? I don’t see how she can remain a bridesmaid at 9 months pregnant. I don’t know if she will even be able to stand three days before the birth. Also there is a high chance we will lose our best man too…
I’m very upset. She has hurt my feelings really bad and shes due to have a baby three days after my wedding. Can I have some advice please?
Post # 3
I agree that it’s no longer feasible for her to be in the wedding party. It sounds like you have your heart in the right place – you want her to be happy, healthy, and comfortable, and you know that being a bridesmaid won’t be very conducive to that when she’s so far along. I’d let her step down but emphasize how excited you are for her. It’s possible she got pregnant a lot sooner than they thought they would, which is why the timing was so off. I doubt she did it specifically to get in the way of being in your Bridal Party.
I’m in a similar situation with a Maid/Matron of Honor who might be very pregnant at our wedding date. However, I’m going to keep her as Maid/Matron of Honor because a) she wants to stay and b) I wouldn’t want to pick anybody other than her. If the baby comes and she can’t make it, then we’ll just be short a person and I’ll have a cute note to add to our programs!
Post # 4
If this is her first child, it is also extremely possible that the baby will come before the due date.
Don’t feel bad though. She is living her life and can’t really postpone this stage in her life for your wedding. My guess is that you both have your hearts in the right place, but this is a stressful and emotional time for both of you. Support each other but let her know you can plan the wedding and her new baby the best if she just comes as a guest.
If you are going to lose a groomsman as well, perhaps it’s for the best.
Post # 5
You cannot expect people to delay getting pregnant because of your wedding. Let her back out, and don’t be hurt about it. You have other things to focus on. If you focus on the negtive, the whole planning and wedding will be a negative experience. Get over it and move on is my advice and by all means don’t let on to anyone that you were anything but happy for her.
Post # 6
yeah, its totally not going to work for her to be in the wedding….she clearly doesn’t understand how she is going to feel at her due date time – she is not even going to want to be at the wedding as a guest! It seems a little silly that she is insisting to be in it. Because really, she won’t be. But, let her stay….its not hurting anyone. she is the one who is going to have to pay for the dress I assume, so she will be losing the money….as for her health, don’t stress about it – she won’t be acting as a bridesmaid – she really won’t be able to do it – she’ll be miserable, if she’s not in labor! I agree with the pp as well – you can’t have expected her to wait to get pregnant until closer or after your wedding…
Post # 7
First off, most first time mother’s go past their due dates…way past. My best friend delivered two weeks later, the other three days, so I think you should be fine. She probably won’t feel great, but unless you are expecting her to perform manual labor on the day off, she’ll be fine to stand up during the ceremony and pictures. You can expect her to put off getting pregnant and if you kick her out, you’ll look like the bitch, not her. Just let it go…be happy for her.
Post # 8
I kind of understood the problem as being the bridesmaid doesn’t want to be excluded. I think I would just go along with her being in the wedding still and just be prepared for her to not be able to stand up with you. This way she is still included in everything up to the wedding and she has the option of being there if conditions allow. I don’t however, think there is anyway to guess if she will go early or late it totally depends on the woman, the baby and genetics so you will make yourself nuts trying to guess.
Post # 9
I think if she WANTS to be your bridesmaid still, then you should let her. If she’s not concerned about getting into and out of a limo, then you don’t need to be (not that your heart isn’t in the right place to be concerned). Just go with the flow — if she is willing to wear the dress, let her (and please please please be reasonable about letting her wear a different dress, get alterations, whatever), and if, at the last moment, she can’t stand up with all of you at the end of the aisle, just let her sit. If she goes into labor at the reception, she will be escorted to the hospital, and everything will be OK. Pregnancy is just another one of those facts of life — personally, I’m ecstatic at the thought of two pregnant bridesmaids!
Of course, if she wants to back out, you should let her, graciously. But please, just show your happiness. It just stresses the pregnant gal out more to be worried that you’re worried/stressed/upset (believe me, I’m helping a friend through this right now).
Post # 10
Try to remember what Mark Twain said: There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. While its true that a lot of first pregnancies run long, I have four friends whose first children came 2 – 4 weeks early. The best predictor is age – the younger you are, the more likely you are to come early rather than late – and your mother’s experience (whether you were early or late). But the one thing that is for sure is that unless you’re scheduling a C-section, you have no control over it.
Whether your friend’s baby comes early (in which case she and hubby probably won’t be at the wedding) or late (in which case it’s also likely she won’t feel like being there) it’s highly unlikely she will be able to (or want to) be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. It’s her first baby – she’s like all the other first time moms who are going to work right up until their water breaks, and whose lives aren’t going to change a bit. It’s a nice little fantasy world.
Of course you should be happy for her – and because you’re so happy, and because you want everything to be as nice for her as possible, it would be much better for her and her husband to be just guests at your wedding. That way whether they’re actually in the hospital in labor, or whether she just can’t jam her really swollen feet into any pair of shoes she owns, it’s not a problem.
Post # 11
What about including her in some other way? My Future Sister-In-Law recently is also pregnant and I gave her the choice of being either a Bridesmaid or Best Man or a reader. That way, she can still be included and has a graceful out. That, and if she was not able to read for some reason (i.e. she was delivering!), it would be fairly easy to find someone else (or have your officiant) to do it instead.
Post # 12
ErinMarieMack has a good plan – offer her another way to participate that is less impactful. That way, she can still be involved and you don’t have to worry about whether or not she’ll be able to be there, how to do last-minute alteratons to accommodate a very preggers Bridesmaid or Best Man, or be worried about her and the health of her baby on the big day (if she doesn’t delivery early). Mrs. Lovebug didn’t have BMs, but still included some friends in the day-of preparation – perhaps that would be an additional way to make this person feel included without the extra stress.
Being pregnant is a huge thing and hormones can go wonky – it is likely your friend didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. If she is a first-time mom, then she may also be overestimating what she’ll be in for. Try to give her an out while assuring her that you’re happy for her and would love to have her participate in your wedding, other than being a Bridesmaid or Best Man. That way, she can concentrate on the fun of impending new-parenthood.
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2009 - Bernardo Winery
I can see why you would be upset, especially since she didn’t just come right out and say she was pregnant from the beginning.
When my BFF got married BOTH her sisters (her MOHs) were pregnant and very emotional, so I would keep that in mind when speaking to her, just as brides are emotional when it comes to their weddings. I would say that if she wants to still be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, let her… she will see as her pregnancy progresses whether she thinks she will be able to handle your wedding day or not, but if she (and the best man) can be there, wouldn’t you want them there?
Post # 14
Totally not a good idea for her to still be in the wedding. I’m going through a similar situation. I tried to give her an out (she’ll be nearly 8 months by my wedding) but she wouldn’t take it. Now she’s just flaking out on all the Bridesmaid responsibilites. They had already gotten their dresses before she was pregnant so she’s got to figure out something to do with that. I think it’d be better off for you to just ask her to not be a bridesmaid. She’ll either understand or she won’t. I think once she’s that pregnant she’ll understand that it was too much to take on and she’ll forgive you if she’s upset.
Post # 15
I say it’s a tricky situation that could be best handled by having a direct conversation . . . If your friend and her husband are close enough that you and your fiance would choose to have them both as part of your wedding party, then all four of you should be able to sit down together and have a conversation. Express your concern, offer her the OPTION of bowing out gracefully or being involved in some other way, and trust the response she and her husband come up with. It’s no use stressing yourself out over something you can’t control and it’s certainly not worth ruining friendships over! Plus, be sure to express your excitement that your friend is having a baby That’s an equally HUGE life transition and one that you should support her in!
Post # 16
What a pickle! I’m guessing this is their first child, or else your friend would probably realize she has no business (and would probably be really uncomfortable) standing and running around three days before her due date, which is exactly what you’re trying to tell her….how frustrating. It sounds like you’re just trying to do what is best for her and get that sorted out now rather than later, whereas she has adopted an "it’s all about me" mentality and is calling you selfish when it’s really her who can’t have her cake and eat it too.
What I would do would be to leave things as they are (with her being a bridesmaid and all) but do not have expectations that she or her husband will be actually come through to be in your wedding. Have back-up Plan B waiting for when she realizes at 9 months that she can’t physically stand up there with you, or for when the baby comes early and she’s in the delivery room on or just before your wedding day instead of up there. And not to be negative or anything, but six weeks is awfully early in a pregnancy. But who knows? Maybe she will be able to do it after all.
Clearly your voicing your concerns has had no impact on her understanding of the realities of the situation. So don’t push it. Keep her as your bridesmaid, tell her you’re happy to have her, and assure her that you know she will take good care of her health (whereas before she might have felt like you were trying to give her health advice—even if you are right, your advice might have come across as unsolicited, which I hear pregnant women get in spades). Let her know that you support her and congratulate her on her growing family, and internally be prepared to have your wedding party without them.